Other

I am not you,
I am other,
When you lay down to sleep,
I wake.
In your light of day,
Your skin can be soft,
Your eyes do not see,
Things in the dark,
Your claws do not have to be sharp,
In your light of day,
I am not there.
When I awake,
My eyes see movement within the dark,
My fur keeps me warm,
My claws are easily unsheathed,
I prowl through the world,
That you can not see,
Surrounded by grey.
At that first light of day,
I lay down to sleep,
Your body stirs,
Alive with it’s weakness.
You cannot live in the dark,
I cannot fight in the light,
You are not me,
But I am of you.

Otherworld Spell

Otherworld, otherrealm.
Join with Mother Earth.
Let mundane energies
Be cast aside
So we may have
No need to hide.
Otherpower, at this hour,
Join our bodies
With our true selves.
May we gain complete remembrance of our very being.
Our magickal souls!
Manannan mac Lir,
remove the Veils,
So we may be as our true selves.
Door be poen!
Veil be gone!
Otherworld magick –
Make us one!

Peter

It took twenty years to find your shadow
‘Fore she sewed it on,
And you’re much too big to fly by now.
Poor Tinkerbell is gone.
The Lost boys are now all grown up
And looking to get hired.
You could be like them you know,
If combed and re-attired.
Your impudence has never dulled,
Your tongue could split a hair.
To make sure Time won’t come too close
you slice it through the air.
Boy, why are you crying?
is Neverland so far?
Or have you forgotten how to fly
and there’s no route by car?

Untitled poem in Quenya

Glorsoron atar celndu
a varda vilya!
oranta ramamel le
himsul pella i earon dinalin
tuile edri galenramar
aidar lissilin ne silivren ered
anna anara
tintiliel telprin coire iore

(Golden eagle feather float down from on high
O exalted sky!
lift up winglove to thee
cool winds beyond the great sea sing silent
spring opens green wings
trees sing sweetly on shining mountains
gift of the sun
sparkles silverlike stirring the heart)

Questions

Mommy,
did you hide my wings?
can I have them back?
so I can fly up high.
why can’t I reach the sky?
Daddy,
why are my paws not grey?
can’t we please go hunting today?
my hands can’t handle this.
they won’t obey
Grandpa
when you were little,
did the dragons soar?
did they whirl and dive?
why don’t they come anymore?
Grandma,
have you ever seen a faerie?
or maybe a nymph in the rain?
Grandma,
I want to see my old friends again.

Raven’s Child

Ravens child beware the green
and golden bowers
For the faerie folk do dwell there and
Moonlights son is King
Stay away from crystal brooks and silver
spired towers
Can you not feel the danger when you see
the mushroom ring
Raven’s child he waits for you
Silver haired is the fairie lord
Eyes of moondust misty blue
Speaks in silken voice the faerie word
Wandering under the emerald bough
In the blackest dead of night
Searching for that which will not show
Its shining face to mortals sight
And silver haired Moonlights son
Will hand in hand with faeries dance
Till Lady Night has had her fun
And will take no note of happenstance
And Ravens’ child will wander through
To dance inside the mushroom ring
Underneath stately oaks and emerald bough
Where Moonlight’s son is faerie king
And come the dawn they’ll be no more
And mortals’ daughter Raven’s child
will have gone away
With silver haired Moonlight’s son
through the elven door
That leads to the realms of ereafter
and the lands of Fey.

Remember

Surrounded on all sides
With a feeling of unease
I don’t belong here
Get me out please

A hand appears in the crowd
I hold on tight and run away
Then I realize that what I’ve seen
Is the dream on the end of day

Surrounded by freezing water
Rising fast with numbing slice
Dark restless shapes swim beside me
As the ones I once knew walk on ice

Footsteps pounding everywhere
Mudslide, avalanche, flood
Covered and tarnished with knowledge
That I’m lost in false blood

I can never go back to my self
I have to cover difference or die
Wings beat at my shoulders
But I’m not allowed to fly

The shining beacon is blinking
But it’s lost in foggy night
There is pitch black all around me
And I know I hold the light

But for tomorrow and tomorrow
I’ll shut my eyes to this hurt
Lost in a world I never wanted
A gold statue covered in dirt

So I’ll remember a time, long ago
When voices sang and the world was fair
For when this one comes crashing down,
I know I will return there.

Sprite

A mournful sprite of mischievous content.
The darkness from within curves the truth to be bent.
A wild thing with dreams of fantasy,
the pleasures of the world to bring her ecstasy.

“By thy pain you are enlightened,
the object of affection to be frightened.
Given a tease of what it can be,
the obsession of fear now controls me.”

Why the others could not be as is she, because they
fail the truth to see.

While they gallop and play, as they do in their way,
her darkness creates a distance she must stay.

Why should she feel the outcast after all,
it is they who are weak, they who will fall.

The Children of the Sun

We were born at the start of Forever,
We die at the end of Eternity.
We are children of the Sun –
We ride upon wings of Dark.
Who else but such children could fly from
Mother’s arms on the shadow’s wing?
We are children of the Sun,
We are borne upon Her rays.
We live within the warmth of Her heart and out in the blackened sea.
We join in union with the soul, the heartbeat of the skies
We live in harmony with the light, it carries us on to on.
We are children of the Sun,
We are the cloak of starlight shielding the gentle Earth.
Who else but such children could fly from
Mother’s arms on the shadow’s wing?
We live for the bright Sunmother;
We are Guardian for all Time.
We band together with our siblings and raise our radiant song.
We are children of the Sun, treading the paths of Dark,
We hold the healing light that guides others to their hearts.
We live among the strangers, seeking ever the essence of our siblings’ souls.
Who else but such children could fly from
Mother’s arms on the shadow’s wing?
We are children of the Sun –
We ride upon wings of Dark.
We are born at the start of Forever,
We die at the end of Eternity.

The Journey

One day as I lay all stretched out on the floor
I knew that I could deny myself no more
So I watched the wall’s texture take form of a door
Shining brightly as I walked through
Sparkling purple, glittering blue
A traveller there holding strangely his face
He seemed to know why I had come to that place
So I nodded to him and we kept the same pace
Through a fog of old memory
Seemed closer to myself than me
We walked through singing hills, joyful as we went
‘Till we met a girl living lone in a tent
In her isolation her soul had been bent
Her intention was to be free
Yet she had lost her liberty
Somehow in our minds we made ourselves go on
Yet she kept appearing far after we’d gone
A realisation upon us then dawned
We could somehow help her open
Her mind which had long been broken
We showed her the sights she’d forgotten to see
The petals of flowers, the leaves of a tree
Soon she was ecstatically alive and free
By life in all its forms entranced
The three of us together danced
With a wave of our hand we let loose the stars
Forgot who we were for we’d travelled so far
Lay down to the knowledge that we were not ours
Thus entwined our journey ended
With not one but three minds mended

The Neither

We are the rogues of the Green,
We are the knaves of the Veil.
Where we tread, seas weep.
Where we live, trees whisper.
Where we chant, air sings.
Where we dance, fires flare.
We walk between.
We are the twilight,
We are the dawn!
We spirit the old,
We dance the new.
Morning dew drops cling
At Midsummer’s return.
What we curse
Is three times blighted.
What we embrace
Is triple blessed.
Where we are,
Water like wine.
We are born today,
We are gone tomorrow
We never go, we never stay.
We are the Outcasts,
We are the Neither.
We are with you now!

The Silent Musings

if one would know Faerie,
seek solitude…
silently and alone, walk many times
in sun, in wind, in storm, or thick mist,
through woods, on hills, over rocks,
into the wild places of this world…
watch from among them the course
of the sun and the moon,
from east to west, sunrise to sunset,
from new moon to full moon,
in silent solitude…
even by day,
There
is a deeper silence
full of profound meaning…
the natural beauty without
awakens the divine beauty within…
There
is a mystic stillness
broken only by the ceaseless
beating of the sea waves,
flowing of rivers and brooks,
singing of trees,
voices of the Ancestors…
in solitude…
There
is a more divine music
than any earthly tune…
the song of creation,
we are in the song
and the song is in us…
of Land, and Sea, and Sky,…
of gentle mountains flowing
into fertile valleys of land waves
into well-tilled plains…
in solitude
There
are the mystic breezes
from the OtherWorld
flowing into the Here and Now,
blending with this world…
hazy are the boundaries,
filmy are the veils,
in solitude…
be alone but never lonely,
an overlapping consciousness
of an invisible OtherWorld
mingles with this world daily…
deep down inside,…
There
the sacred fires still burn on hilltops,
the sacred groves still grow
immortal in the Green…
our Ancestors walk among us
in nature… innate…
in solitude…
…if one would know Faerie.

The Watchers

It is the sign
of the more than human:

This strange disphoria
with my form.

Possibilities
vibrate on the air
and in me.

Wings
somewhere
on the edge of being.

Ancient voices,
syllables out of time,
calling.

Names of the shining ones,
strange and symbollic.

The language
of the forgotten
whispers through me.

Something lost.
A great dignity
surrendered.

Sacrifice
or penance?
Our price for yearning.

The feel of mortal flesh:
the newness,
the trembling.

Yet the fires of Heaven
smolder.
In my heart. In my blood.

Are we fallen?

Not fallen.

We dared
to see the beauty
of the forbidden.

We dared to hunger.
To desire.

We stood upon the edge of Heaven
somewhere
in that forgotten space.

We gathered wings
about our golden bodies

and leapt away

To Mine

The many words that I have danced across these pages
I realize dwell mainly on myself
In my defense as I go tumbling through the ages
Into no other soul may I so delve
So once more inward bound I now invite you
To the ticks and tocks that make me as I am
The words you read may frighten or delight you
But you’ll have a better view of where I stand

Can you see with child’s eyes wisps of dragons in the skies
And can you come to realize that all your myths are born of fact
The beasts that you pretend on which faerie coin you spend
Walk about in shapes of men and live their lives as one great act
There is a land behind the wind with dragons, sylphs and trolls within
Where fell beasts lurk with twisted grins and magick flows through elfin veins
It’s a home I’ve left behind the passage back I cannot find
To a mundane hell I am consigned and by my pack I’m thought insane
That barb has no current sting and it seems a petty thing
Within my soul the true song rings and I can live with lack of faith
For my blood sings Darkling songs immune to sin I do no wrong
Becloaked in darkness I belong though creature fae so too a wraith
I sup on rich, sweet life by force of will, slim fang or knife
A thirst shared by brother, child and wife and a curious thing I’ve found
Though loathsome beast I have been called and by solitude I am enthralled
And though by noise I am apalled their voices are the sweetest sounds
Sickened by my situation and for my tale no confirmation
In this grim hell a consolation: Those I’m honored to call friend
You know just who you are and though the bond oft stretches far
I keep you all within my heart and my love will never know an end

True World

My eyes are clouded by a world untrue.
My mind is weakened by the things I do.
Every move I make is a shadow in the light.
This world has my thoughts of reality held tight.
I cannot see it, though I know it is there.
And when I reach out to touch it, all is bare.
This world that I look for holds my fate.
And now that I am stuck, it is too late.
I can only smile and remember,
A time when truth and I were together.
I hope someday that we will meet again.
And the true destiny of the world begin.
Though many will question what I say here,
You must understand and do not fear.
For you too are one like I,
And you shall never understand why.
Not unless you take a risk, and let all go.
Then all shall seep in and knowledge shall grow.
For until this time, all knowledge based on lies.
And still it is, I dont understand why.
So you must take charge and believe my word.
And let the voices to the speakers of truth be heard.

Yr Tyllwdd Teg Ô y’Coed

Shimmering golden dappled greens
light falling leaves shifting
eyes watching forest far away
birds windchimes churchbells
ears hearing closely listening
sweet spirits love beauty hope
singing trees walk through shade
bring the Dryads and the Naiads
and Satyrs dance in sunbeams
swirl and be real embodied
light footsteps approaching
large eyes keen bright deep
see the forest Faeries
wood green warm moist patchouli
body of tree strong, light
water fresh bluewhite silver cold bursting
life giving life sustaining life’s blood.
earth dark cool Mother Lady musky flowers
womb of nature, lover of the Heavens.
sky star shiver darkness blue
beauty indefinable lover of the Earth.
air bright birdsong yellow and gold ethereal
transparent movement, breath of continents.
fire burner destroyer red gold orange
renewer cleanser bringer of warmth.
spirit all life all mind
all that screams and knows anything.
stone solid unchanger, silicon thinker,
deep synapses of Lady Gaia.
mental sharp cutter, Elf bane, bitter taste
knife and sword, ploughshare and hoe.
all elements celebrated
Faerie dance moonlight now
cooler water flowing laughs joy
Fae on the nightwings
travel astral dragonpaths and leylines
Faeries of the Wood
know feel live believe.

Untitled

Born of the twilight
Children of the coming night
and the dawning sun.
Flower and blood and bone
spirit essence, dawn’s flight…
Blooming of the sacred seed…
Workers of the secret magics
the dark side of the moon,
clouds over the stars,
the first laughter of a child,
the quiet stir of the last breath.
I call thee all to me,
to bloom, to nourish,
to calm, to strengthen
to Protect.
Seeds of my soul,
watered by tears of joy and pain,
grow on love and sorrow.

Untitled

The profundity of the isolation
When the world ever changes as the tides of the seasons go by
Watching in saddness as all of life turns to dust and your face untouched
ever seeing all you love whither and die…..
an eternity for us the first of the children
Will we be the last ?
To have seen a world born anew only to see it end
Knowing all that you have done and all that you have seen
is gone before you never again.
So blessed is imortality and damned are our kind…..
To see the birth of our worlds and the death of our dreams…..
Left silent in sorrow on the baren landscape of eternity.
The profundity of the isolation
When the world ever changes as the tides of the seasons go by
Watching in saddness as all of life turns to dust and your face untouched
ever seeing all you love whither and die…..
an eternity for us the first of the children
Will we be the last ?
To have seen a world born anew only to see it end
Knowing all that you have done and all that you have seen
is gone before you never again.
So blessed is imortality and damned are our kind…..
To see the birth of our worlds and the death of our dreams…..
Left silent in sorrow on the baren landscape of eternity.

Untitled

I am reaching out to you
Through the walls of my body
But my arms are not my heart
In the end you must find me
In the centre of my soul
Rests a fiercely glowing light
Through the blackness of my mind
Casts a glimpse of burning white
Round that star hang walls of glass
Colours through a prism swirled
Only shadows of that light
Live to reach the outside world
And the one who made that star
Is an elf of ancient lands
In my mind her essence dwells
In the lines upon my hands
I must meet another elf
In the light of the same star
Then I would not be alone
Come to me, if elf you are
So if you know how it feels
Reaching for the starlit sky
At the same time pulling back
No one hears your wordless cry
If your soul lies in that light
Form a land forgot by man
From the depths of ancient woods
Find me waiting if you can

Watch-fires

There is no solace on Earth for us, for such as we
Who seek a hidden city we may never come to see
Only the moon, the stars, the wind and the rain
The watch-fires under the universe, then the open road again

For where in ages past our hearts and souls did dwell
In secret glades of which no human tongue can tell
And now our souls untethered, upon that lonely road we roam
To seek with yearning in us, for that place we once called home

What tears may fall like rivers swift unto the sea do flow
What sorrows deep as ocean tides that only we may know
What hidden longing calls us from where the watch-fires burn
To journey on in hope of finding that for which we yearn

And yet through dreams from time to time, a glimpse beyond the veil
Or still in waking, a memory of some long forgotten tale
Stirs in us the faintest glow of hope within the heart
That Home, and we, may not be so many miles apart

And there shall come a fateful day, for all we gathered here.
When we may come to find again all that which we hold dear.
Where once again the watch-fires burn, and we no longer roam
And hand in hand, together we shall at last come home.

Where Have They Gone?

Where have all the faeries gone?
This I cannot say
But the woods are empty now
Where once they used to play
When I walk among the trees
I listen for their song
But the glades are silent now
Where have they all gone?

Where have all the dragons gone?
This I do not know
But their caves are empty now
Where did the dragons go?
When I walk among the hills
I look into the sky
But I see no dragons there
Where only birds now fly.

Where are all the unicorns?
Please tell me where they hid
Why did they run away from us?
Was it something that we did?
And tell me too, what of the elves
So magickal and fair?
Trooped away under their hills
Or vanished in the air?

Do not fear, my little one
Those unicorns and elves
And faeries bright and dragons brave
They have not hid themselves
They’re walking still among us
If you have eyes to see
In every town and country
That’s where those fair folk be

You see them everywhere you look
In every school and street
In every park and place of work
Among the folk you meet
If you look closely at me
You’ll see that I’m one too
And listen to your inner voice
My child, for so are you.

Wyld Hunt

we are the eyes shining bright
we are the howling in the night
we are the blood burning with desire
we dance leaping round the fire
we are the secret inside the hood
we are the laughter in the darkling wood
we are the rustling in the limbs
we are the noises on the wind
we are the shadows behind the stones
we are the feeling deep in your bones
we are the faces in the bark
we are the lights winding through the dark
we are the music you can’t resist
we are the proof that we exist
we are the cats playing their games
we are the owls calling your name
we spin madly to our drums
through the forest we now run
we are the teeth that never blunt
we are the Wyld Hunt.

Fluff Bunny and the Sidhe

This brief tale has been requested numerous times. So here it is for your amusement.

Cute fluff-bunny: casts spell to summon faerie
Sidhe nobleman: wrenched away from feast/important meeting/lover by spell
Cute fluff-bunny: Would you mind lighting that candle for me?
Sidhe: looks dumbfounded for a moment
Cute fluff-bunny: (slowly) I asked you to light the candle…
Angry Sidhe: grabs candle, turns fluff-bunny over, inserts candle, picks box of matches off nearby table, lights candle Sidhe curses fluff-bunny for the next 7 generations in fifteen different languages and goes back to what they were doing.

Erelin’s List

This list is something inspired by skippyslist.com, and applied to Otherkin. This was something Erelin and Fionn worked on during the Hollow Hills gather. The first one involving dragons and tennis balls had our resident dragon floored. Literally.

  1. No longer allowed to take human recruits on the Wyld Hunt.
  2. No longer allowed to take any recruits on the Wyld Hunt.
  3. Not allowed to call the Wyld Hunt on recruits.
  4. Or superior officers.
  5. No longer allowed to draft people from neighbouring nations.
  6. No longer allowed to draft recruits from neighbouring dimensions.
  7. No longer allowed to put the dragon barracks near ammo dumps.
  8. or fuel dumps.
  9. Not allowed to put spiked pit traps in the mess hall.
  10. The rank insignia tells how high up the chain of command a sidhe officer is, not the length of the stick up his/her ass.
  11. Not allowed to look at medical records for the length or existence of said stick.
  12. Not allowed to bring pepper to the dragons.
  13. No longer allowed to order therianthropes to remove their coats.
  14. I should not throw tennis balls at the dragons and yell “Charizard, I choose you!”
  15. Throwing a tennis ball and saying “Charizard, I choose you!” is not how you call in a dragon air strike.
  16. Not allowed to alter rations to have Mountain Dew with grapefruit juice.
  17. Not allowed to convince the dragon recruits to hoard shell casings.
  18. Not allowed to bend space-time during live-fire exercises.
  19. Not allowed to film the therianthropes in the shower, during medical exams, or in the conjugal rooms, and sell the tapes as furry porn.
  20. Not allowed to leave recruits out in the woods.
  21. No longer allowed to send nymphs to the grunts.
  22. No longer allowed to bring nymphs on base.
  23. Even if they are for the superior officers.
  24. This rule does not apply to nymphs who ARE superior officers.
  25. No longer allowed to bring satyrs on base.
  26. Not allowed to hold pixie races.
  27. Not allowed to refer to gryphons as “choppers.”
  28. The appropriate address for any sidhe of superior rank is “sir,” not “you pointy-eared freak.”
  29. Any otherworld denizen with pointed ears is not a Vulcan.
  30. I must not leave iron tacks on the sidhe sergeant’s bunk.
  31. The appropriate response to any sidhe officer’s order is not “live long and prosper.”
  32. The appropriate response to any satyr officer’s order is not “woohoo!”
  33. Not allowed to make cadences in Gaelic.
  34. Or Tolkien elvish.
  35. or klingon.
  36. Not allowed to challenge officers to rigged drinking games.
  37. Not allowed to alter space-time during basic training.
  38. Not allowed to slow time around grenades.
  39. Especially not allowed to speed time around grenades.
  40. No longer allowed near duct tape.
  41. C-4 is not silly putty.
  42. nor is it a laxative.
  43. I do not see dead people.
  44. Saying “I don’t believe in faeries” will not kill any of the troops, but may offend homosexuals.
  45. The elven snipers are not all named Legolas.
  46. Not allowed to bend space-time during formations.
  47. I must not stand at the entry gate to the base with a mage staff and shout “YOU CANNOT PASS!”
  48. I am not qualified to administer iron supplements.
  49. Iron supplements are taken orally, not rectally or via sniper rifle.
  50. I may not prescribe drugs.
  51. I may not bend space-time to re-enact scenes from “the matrix” on the firing range.
  52. Being put on KP does not mean I am allowed to spike the officers’ coffee with Tabasco sauce.
  53. Or Ex-Lax.
  54. Or Dwarven Whiskey.
  55. Not allowed to abduct civilian children and replace them with cheap copies.
  56. Social services does not handle changelings.
  57. “We’re off to see the wizard” is not a cadence.
  58. Not allowed to skip in formation.
  59. Not allowed to order the troops to skip in formation.
  60. Not allowed to spread pixie dust.
  61. Not allowed to order the merfolk to march three miles.
  62. No longer allowed to bring a siren to the karaoke bar.
  63. Not allowed to throw a grenade past any therian unit and shout “fetch!”
  64. “Do virgins taste better than those who are not” is not a cadence for dragon units.
  65. No trainee exercise will begin with “and a five, six, seven, eight…”
  66. Bell-tipped shoes with curly toes are not appropriate combat dress.
  67. Not allowed to trick allied units into surrendering to me.
  68. My official position is not “happiness enforcement officer.”
  69. Not allowed to tell the field medics to start clapping when there is a casualty.
  70. The sidhe wearing cammo paint are not dark elves.
  71. Not allowed to ask the new recruits to choose between the red pill or the blue pill.
  72. Not allowed to switch the labels on the “eat me” and “drink me” bottles.
  73. The dragon air superiority units do not need nose art.
  74. The chain of command is not a toy.
  75. No longer allowed to order dragons to take an emissions test.
  76. The two drink limit does not include a whole bottle of mead.
  77. Even if the general has a sense of humour, there is only one of him. Other officers are not so forgiving.
  78. “My god can beat up your god” is not a cadence.
  79. Neither is “it’s a small world after all.”
  80. If I do start a cadence with “It’s a small world after all,” I will not be surprised if I am the victim of friendly fire.
  81. I am not Master Chief, and the Unseelie Court are not the Covenant.
  82. Not allowed to Riverdance in formation.
  83. Not allowed to order the troops to Riverdance in formation.
  84. Especially not allowed to order the dragons to Riverdance.
  85. Mission plans should not include breaks in causality.
  86. Mission plans do not include “the lamentations of their women.”
  87. No longer allowed to utter the phrase “I give you my word as a pooka.”
  88. The proper response to a lawful order is not “I disbelieve! I disbelieve!”
  89. I cannot save vs. officers.
  90. No longer allowed to sell commanding officers or noncoms to Santa.
  91. Not allowed to deploy the Yeti in Iraq.
  92. Any trap idea that causes my commanding officers to fall on the floor vomiting is not to be implemented.
  93. No longer allowed to implement any idea that gives me “that look on my face.”
  94. Tactics cannot be justified by the Anime Laws of Physics.
  95. During basic training, I am not allowed to hold my rifle in the air and shout “this is my BOOMSTICK!”
  96. Condoms are not a part of military protective gear.
  97. No longer allowed to butt heads with the unicorns.
  98. …or leapfrog.
  99. Not allowed to force a name change on vestal virgins.
  100. No longer allowed to sell soundtracks to battles.
  101. Not allowed to tell dragons where the leprechaun gold is.
  102. Not allowed to tell leprechauns where the dragon hoard is.
  103. Not allowed to refer to the leprechaun rations as “me frosted lucky charms.”
  104. “Dancing a merry jig” is not authorized PT.
  105. Not allowed to paint the grenades like Easter eggs.
  106. Not allowed to taunt the redcaps. EVER.
  107. Brownies are a unit, not a part of the rations.
  108. Not allowed to refer to the leprechauns’ naughty bits as “me frosted lucky charms.”
  109. Not allowed to plant a pager on any soldier performing covert operations.
  110. No longer allowed to supply the dragons with ketchup.
  111. Not allowed to douse superior officers with ketchup.
  112. Not allowed to convince the dragons that the chain of command tastes good with ketchup.
  113. Not allowed to convince the dragons that any infantry or cavalry with armor are “crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside.”
  114. No longer allowed to quote Hannibal Lechter or Titus Andronicus during combat missions.
  115. Not allowed to try to convince the dragons that anyone is crunchy OR good with ketchup. They know better. I think.
  116. Dwarven infantry are not all named Gimli.
  117. The elves are not solely there to save my puny ass.
  118. I am not to refer to any recently repaired weaponry as “the sword reforged.”
  119. Not allowed to tell the infantry “don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”
  120. Scout missions are not for selling cookies.
  121. Not allowed to carry any weapon bigger than a nuke.
  122. Not allowed to CREATE any weapon bigger than a nuke.
  123. I do not have the authority to deploy nukes.
  124. Not allowed to summon Cthulhu on the parade grounds.
  125. My speciality is not demolitions. EVER.
  126. Not allowed to challenge any soldier to a race around the world.
  127. Nagah units do not have cadences which say “My anaconda don’t want none unless it’s got BUNS, honey!”
  128. Not allowed to ask the minotaur units “got milk?”
  129. Not allowed to call any centaur “Seabiscuit.”
  130. Combat mages are not named Gandalf.
  131. Or Dumbledore.
  132. When someone challenges me to the field of honor, it has nothing to do with mowing the lawn.
  133. “Can we settle this like men” does not mean running and screaming at the first sign of danger.
  134. No longer allowed to make jokes about “my unit.”
  135. Not allowed to talk about “clubbing baby seals” in front of the selkies.
  136. Even if they are dressed in goth.
  137. Not allowed to steal the selkies’ seal coats.
  138. Or switch them in their lockers.
  139. Or sell them on E-bay.
  140. Stealing a selkie’s coat does not necessarily mean they will do my bidding. They will more than likely shoot me and find it anyway.
  141. Selling the merfolk to Sea World is NOT funny.
  142. “If you like pina coladas” is not a cadence.
  143. I am not legally allowed to perform marriage. Even if I am, I am not allowed to do so by my commanding officers.
  144. Especially if those being married are not aware of being married.
  145. I cannot marry off my superior officers.
  146. No matter how whiny the Wiccans get, I am not allowed to re-institute the burning times.
  147. The civilians are not target practice.
  148. Not allowed to switch the weres’ shampoo with Nair.
  149. The proper way to assemble a platoon is not to shout “Level 46 Pooka LFG.”
  150. Not allowed to tell the sprite, pixie, or brownie troops that “size does matter.”
  151. I must leave the toadstool rings alone.
  152. Not allowed to sell condos in the otherworld.
  153. I am not Gordon Freeman, and the Crossroads is not Xen.
  154. Nighttime ops are not “Blair Witch Projects.”
  155. Putting up little stick dolls and piles of rocks around the tents is not funny.
  156. Working with the dragon airborne units does not entitle me to frequent flier miles.
  157. Or those little bags of peanuts.
  158. There are otherkin besides sidhe in the officer ranks, and I should not forget this and make up conspiracy theories that say otherwise.
  159. Not allowed to come up with conspiracy theories.
  160. Or conspiracies.
  161. Not allowed to make Stargate references, especially when opening interdimensional gateways.
  162. Not allowed to make cracks about “taking this to a higher court.”
  163. “Rocky Horror Picture Show” is not appropriate in formation.
  164. Nor is it appropriate PT.
  165. “Hulk Smash” is not a tactic.
  166. Not allowed to institute Arcadian policy in any nation.
  167. No longer allowed to go to Avalon on leave.
  168. There is no such thing as the Whore of Avalon.
  169. Pants are required for inspection.
  170. No longer allowed to make pedophilia jokes about “the land of youth forever.”
  171. Not allowed to send vampires to the summerlands.
  172. Not allowed to switch the vampire rations with cherry kool-aid.
  173. Not allowed to tie-dye the selkie coats.
  174. Or any uniforms.
  175. Or any officers.
  176. Other ‘kin types are not Pokemon. I do not need to “catch ’em all.”
  177. I cannot marry my superior officer’s child.
  178. Not allowed to ask for “your first born child” as a reenlistment bonus.
  179. No longer allowed to feign death whenever I hear a gunshot.
  180. The proper way to end a situation report is not “and I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.”
  181. World of Warcraft is not a real military exercise.
  182. Not allowed to fondle ordinance while hissing “my preciousssss…”
  183. Not allowed to fondle officers while hissing “my preciousssss…”
  184. There is no such thing as sexual warfare, no matter what the satyrs may say.
  185. Not allowed to make remarks about “bringing a sword to a shootout.”
  186. Not allowed to feign death whenever someone says “I don’t believe in faeries.”
  187. Orders are to be given verbally, not rectally.
  188. or by poking individual troops with a gauntlet.
  189. It’s the Seelie court, not the Silly court.
  190. No longer allowed to tend bar at the officer’s club. EVER.
  191. Streaking is not an appropriate distraction.
  192. Grenades are not appropriate substitutes for sporting equipment.
  193. Not allowed to play Quidditch with the janitorial supplies.
  194. Not allowed to call in air strikes on rush hour traffic.
  195. Not allowed to attempt any of the items listed at skippyslist.com.
  196. Not allowed to program any GPS to read “second star on the right, straight on until morning.”
  197. Mission parameters do not include “kill moose and squirrel.”
  198. Not allowed to make remarks to the women officers about their “Tir Na Knockers.”

You might be otherkin if…

A lot of these might also apply to anyone [kin or otherwise] of a general magical or pagan persuasion as well. YMMV. Look to the *s for Eshari’s humble opinion of which “count” more, as they’re less explicable by other things.

A. Physical Characteristics and Remnants of Former Bodies/Lives

  1. * You feel a lot older than your grandmother and cannot explain why. *
  2. * You miss a place, yet cannot explain where it is. *
  3. You find it very frustrating that you can’t breathe under water or fly.
  4. * You have “phantom” body parts that you can feel move, and that sometimes become really annoying with clothes (fur, wings, claws…). *
  5. You modify (or wear special) clothing or sit/stand/walk differently to accomodate physical characteristics your waking body doesn’t have – or you don’t even realize you’re making such accomodations until someone else points out that you are.
  6. * From time to time you have a REALLY bad night’s sleep because you slept on your wings wrong. *
  7. Your doctor can’t figure out how you damaged your back to start with, but you don’t really want to tell hir it’s a battle injury from a previous life.
  8. You have the occasional really annoying itch on your back, right where your wings would be at.
  9. * Transsexuals often want sex-change operations. You want SPECIES-change operations. *
  10. You are always the first one to hear something in the distance (ie: approaching car, person, storm…).
  11. * You have either more allergies than normal folks, possibly including odd ones like metals (iron and alloys, silver, gold, copper); stones (hematite, malachite, pyrite); certain herbs; or other substances not commonly considered allergenic, or you have a dragon’s constitution and have less allergies than normal folks, and are not prone to disease (you never had the flu, etc.). *
  12. You have naturally dilated pupils, or see very well in the dark.
  13. You have bright green or violet eyes, or eyes with multiple colours in them, or that change color.
  14. * Some part of your body changes shape and/or color. *
  15. You look radically different from day to day.
  16. * The “you” you see in the mirror and the physical shell experienced by other people are entirely different entities. *
  17. You resent being forced to pick a sex, and earnestly wish you were both or neither.
  18. You find yourself unable to develop an addiction – after a certain point, certain substances stop affecting you entirely. This is most bothersome when it’s much-needed prescription medication.

 

B. Personality Characteristics, Perceptions and Habits

  1. * You don’t consider yourself really human. *
  2. Your creativity (of whatever persuasion) consumes you to the point of eccentricity.
  3. You know, see, and feel a deeper depth of existence than the visible world around us.
  4. * The woods, glens, etc. speak to you and call you to come join them. *
  5. You have a deeper understanding and viewpoint of the cycle of life and death than many people do.
  6. * Most people find their inner children. You found your inner puppy or hatchling. *
  7. You remember your dreams with more detail, clarity and relevance than your waking moments.
  8. * Dance, music, art, beauty are not luxuries, peripheral experiences or mere entertainment, but physical needs. *
  9. Linear thought is a problem, and linear time an even greater one.
  10. * The books that speak the greatest Truths to you are found in the Fantasy/SF section. *
  11. * Your best friends are nymphs, pixies, and fairies. *
  12. You think trees or holes in the ground are a great places to live.
  13. * You catch yourself referring to David Bowie as “cousin.” *
  14. You find it hard to explain to mundanes that there really IS a dragon sitting on your pencil case and she’s been talking to you all through math and English.
  15. You can sleep on the floor, ground or a wood bed, but not a metal frame bed.
  16. You collect little ‘oddities’ that don’t match anything else you own. Going to an antique store is like going to an adoption agency. You actually own more knick-knacks and stuff than the antique store down the street.
  17. * No religion seems to fit you, no matter which one you try. *
  18. You are the definition of “weird”.
  19. You love to hide in natural places when emotionally or otherwise upset.
  20. * You can actually speak Tolkien Elvish, and it feels like your mother tongue. *
  21. * You don’t match your “real” age in looks, thoughts, words, wisdom, etc. *
  22. The weather and your moods have more than a coincidental link.
  23. You write such good stories cause they aren’t stories… it’s all real.
  24. You feel you’d have done much better a few hundred years back. Living History not only describes your favorite activity, it describes you.
  25. You have an obesession with honor most people just don’t understand.
  26. You’ve been in or almost caused a car accident because you were distracted by the sunset, sunrise, rainbow, moon, stars, lightning, and/or interesting cloud formations.
  27. You bore very easily.
  28. You get downright pissed when people harm animals or plants or destroy the environment.
  29. As a child you always knew where to find the berries in the woods.
  30. You are fascinated with language, linguistics, theology, anthropology, slang, subculture and the madness of crowds.
  31. Weddings make you depressed and funerals elate you.
  32. You see through spiritual charlatans like they were made of glass.
  33. Your personality changes outright depending on the clothing you wear. That includes a mixed personality if you mix two kinds of clothing.
  34. * You always go for things in silver rather than gold, bronze, etc. *

 

C. Interactions With the “Mundanes”

  1. * Human language just isn’t enough to FULLY convey what you are trying to say. You feel telepathy, empathy, and visual sendings make up most of your languge and you often tend to use these more than spoken words, much to the dismay of those around you. *
  2. Your friends and family have always thought of you as “different”.
  3. You never quite see things from the same point of view as your mundane friends.
  4. Your mundane friends never quite get your sense of humor.
  5. Mundanes think you are eccentric, very intelligent or crazy, but you think that you are normal and they are the ones who are odd.
  6. * You have actually answered elf, dragon, fae, pixie, werewolf, etc. under the “Race” section of surveys or when asked by telemarketers. *
  7. You are frequently offered “Santa’s Helper” jobs at Christmas without an interview.
  8. Your friend’s cat, who hates EVERYONE including your friend, loves you.
  9. People either love you or hate you and you cannot figure out why.
  10. Animals and trees are better friends to you than most mundanes.
  11. * You feel horrible if you have to act human, and weird things happen to you when you try. *
  12. * When you haven’t slept for a few nights running, haven’t eaten, don’t feel pain, etc., the standard explanation from your friends is “but we all know you’re not human…”
    …before you’ve even told them what you really are. *
  13. You attract the strangest people. They seem to congregate around you as if attracted by some pheremone only they can perceive.
  14. You almost never play a human character in role-playing games. (Bonus points if you refuse to play a human in the SCA, but rather play a vampire, elf or faerie.)
  15. People’s professed personalities and beliefs cause you to break out in peals of laughter at socially inappropriate times.
  16. People often ask you if you are on drugs.
  17. * Hospitals, most schools, government buildings, and large, impersonal corporations either depress you to the point of tears or trigger panic attacks. *
  18. * Small children come up to you and hug you for no apparent reason. *

 

D. Magic, Psi and Strange Occurrences

  1. You think nothing of adjusting your energy to a Peace signature to calm down someone who’s agitated. (Fun with glamour, folks!)
  2. When you don’t want to be noticed, you can be wearing three-inch spikes and a mohawk, and people walk past you, oblivious.
  3. Your dreams bleed over into mundane reality.
  4. * You catch glimpses of an alternate reality superimposed or side-by-side with mundane reality. When you’re half asleep and half awake, the worlds tend to blur and you can see numerous realities existing at once. *
  5. Your wishes affect mundane reality in a tangible way.
  6. There are too many synchronicities happening to pass them all off as coincidence.
  7. Small children run up to you and point out the nice lady with pointy ears or the big furry man or the dragon.
  8. * Grown people run up to you and nervously ask you if you’ve ever thought of yourself as “elf-like” or “dragon-like,” or just get positively freaked out being near you.
  9. You start “bleeding over” in pictures. *
  10. You dream prophetically.
  11. * When really stressed/relaxed/magickal you speak in a foreign unknown language, make animal noises, or start speaking in what sounds like gibberish to other people. *
  12. People are spooked when you walked up behind them and they never heard you coming. You move so silently that you can even sneak up on a police dog without it noticing you.
  13. Energy work seems so natural for you that even as a beginner you baffle most veteran magic users.
  14. You’ve met someone you instantly knew from dreams you’ve been having since you were five.
  15. From time to time really strange things happen, like you get cut and your blood falls on a white rose and it turns red, and within a month the entire rose bush has deep red flowers.
  16. You sense spirits residing within rocks, trees, waters, buildings, mechanical objects, etc., and you converse with them regularly.
  17. You didn’t know that not everyone did lucid dreaming (astral projection, hands-on healing, aura sight, telepathy, precognition…) until you read about it.
  18. * You “smell” what kind of mood the people around you are in. *
  19. Computers often malfunction, act up, and do lots of unusual things in your presence, causing your coworkers to ask you to “stand over there, please” and causing your company’s resident computer tech many hours of heartache.
  20. Sometimes when you see or meet a stranger you see a flash of their True Nature without even trying.
  21. You can alter time, manipulate the weather, conjure things or teleport by accident, etc. without ever having learned how nor understanding how these are possible.
  22. * When they unearth an ancient earth artifact that “no one” knows about you not only find that you recognize it, but also that you had been telling your friends about it for the last few years. *
  23. Energy is one of your favorite toys.
  24. You don’t just dream, you go planet-hopping.
  25. Time always does weird things around you.
  26. Your friends use you as the resident antenna for the radio, for it always receives better sound when you stand in front of it.
  27. You cannot wear watches or other timepieces on your person. If you do, they are rendered completely useless within days and become blithering idiots that have no idea what time it really is anymore.
  28. You can hear the stars singing.
  29. You can’t understand why people need all those props to do anything magical, when it’s so much simpler to just reach and change something. You’re unable to grasp that there are people who can’t feel magical flows, no matter how often you hear otherwise.
  30. * All of your best friends/lovers/etc. awaken to their Otherkin natures within a few months of meeting you. *
  31. You can’t ever remember the color of someone’s eyes, but you can describe their aura/astral form in detail.

Versions

Version 1.0 3/9/99 if it’s useless and does nothing, call it version 1.0!
Version 1.1 3/15/99 added some from Adara and deleted a few
Version 1.2 3/20/99 added some from Thistle and made other various changes
Version 1.21 3/26/99 fixed some odd formatting
Version 1.22 11/3/99 added one to section A and *-ed those that are, in the editor’s humble opinion, “more telling” than others
Version 1.3 11/15/99 added a few new contributions
Version 1.4 9/17/00 HTML markup added
Version 2.0 01/28/01 deleted some that are overly silly, irrelevant, misleading, in-joke-ish or incomprehensible, edited others to be clearer, and generally tried to bring it up to more “public consumption” standards

Credits

Eshari Starling edited and spell-checked this thing and organized it and stuck it all together.
The following people, in no particular order, have offered up their souls to help compose this list: Adara, Thistle Kachunk, Willow, Miracle, Lindsay, Ruadh, Fer, Aine, Illuviel, Jen/Blue/Spirati, Ki’taye and hir sidekick, Lelya, Kerr/Robin, Aerienne, Skiewing, the Lollipop Trollop, and Eshari.
Kerr/Robin’s were ripped from the ancient and musty TNO archives without them knowing it, but Esh figures those people will never see this anyway. 🙂

Judge Ri: Episode 4

Bailiff: Oyez, Oyez, Oyez, The Honorable Judge Ri, Tamer of Cats, Handler of Snakes and Elves, and Wearer of Lizards and other Reptiles, presiding.

All rise. Judge Ri looks at the docket, buries his face in his long slender hands, and groans.

Judge Ri: Are both parties in this case really elven princesses?

Bailiff: Sorry, Your Honor, I’m afraid so. I’ll buy you a bottle of blueberry wine afterwards.

Judge Ri takes his face out of his hands and looks at the parties to the case. At first, it is impossible to tell the Princesses apart. Both look like typical Elven Princesses: tall, slender, and fair as willows, with long hair as golden as the sun and large cornflower-blue eyes. Naturally, they are both dressed in white samite gowns and wear only the simplest of circlets on their noble alabaster brows… OK, enough already. Back to the case!

Judge Ri (to Plaintiff): Please introduce yourself and tell us what you are charging your sister with.

Plaintiff: I am Her Most Royal Highness Crown Princess Lilianna Nightshade. That imposter over there (glares spitefully and points at Defendant) calls herself Lillibelle Buttercup.

Judge Ri (rolling his eyes): Enough namecalling. What did Lilibelle do to you?

Plaintiff: She has tried to murder me!

Bailiff (under her breath): I can certainly see why. You are a royal pain in the…

Plaintiff: She fed me, a Noble Elven Princess, poison! And here it is! (She thrusts a bottle into Judge Ri’s hand.)

Judge Ri bursts out laughing.

Plaintiff: What’s so funny? You’re an elf, too. Oh, I get it now. You’re one of them, aren’t you? That slut Lilibelle has spread her legs and poisoned your mind against me…

Judge Ri: Lilianna, those are iron pills. Vitamins.

Plaintiff: Your Honor, if you are indeed a True Elf, you would know that iron is deadly to Our Kind.

Judge Ri: Hmm…so not only are you a paranoid idiot, you also have read way too many fairy tales. (He smirks.) I dis-

Defendant (identical to her sister, but vapid and sweet to the point of making you barf): Your Honor, the charges are true.

Judge Ri: If you did try to poison Lilianna, I can certainly see why.

Defendant: Oh, no, Your Honor, I would never do that! But I have still deserve the death penalty, Your Honor, for I have committed treason.

Judge Ri (totally confused): I beg your pardon?

Defendant: I have murdered poor, sweet, darling Lilianna many times.

Judge Ri: In a past life?

Defendant: No, in my heart. You see, Your Honor, the sacred teachings of HELL help me eliminate that which is negative from my life. For instance, before I joined HELL, I thought I had just as much right to the kingdom as Lilianna did. After all, Father did leave it in his will that we would rule together. But then I realized that due to my greed and my inability to relinquish venal material…

Plaintiff: Your Honor, you see why the kingdom should go entirely to me. My sister has proved herself an imbecile.

Judge Ri (to Plaintiff): One more word out of you and I’m charging you with slander. (to Defendant) Please continue.

Defendant: Well, Lilianna has always told me the truth, helping me to see my limitations, you see. Ever since we learned to talk, she was helpfully pointing out my failures. Before I joined HELL, I resented my sister’s efforts, thinking of her as a meanspirited, namecalling witch. But thanks to Daisy Sunshine’s loving kindness and teaching me to reframe things, I have seen that every person and experience in my life is a blessing. In every criticism lies truth. In HELL, I have learned to thank Lilianna for every truth that she imparts, and have stopped resenting her, for I have learned that she is, and has always been, my first and greatest teacher.

(Judge Ri barfs discreetly into a bucket).

Plaintiff: As you can see, Your Honor, my sister is an insincere little sycophant who does not deserve the throne. She deserves to be driven out of town as the little tramp that she is!

Defendant (to Plaintiff): Thank you, my dearest sister, for rebuking me for the sin that lies within me, for even though I am a virgin, I have stained my honor and disgraced myself by looking with longing on Sir Mark with lust in my heart.

Bailiff: May I duct tape them both, Your Honor? Between Lilianna’s bitching and Lilibelle’s blessing, I’m about to barf.

The Plaintiff and Defendant exchange brief but significant looks, whisper sibilant syllables, and point their hands at Judge Ri.

Judge Ri: Look ou-…AAAAHHHHH!

A large, brown, furry, frighteningly cute monkey-like beast with red eyes and bloody claws embraces Judge Ri.

Monkey: Mon-chee-chee, mon-chee-chee, oh so soft and cuddly!

Judge Ri: Help!

The Mon-chee-chee smells Judge Ri’s breath and runs out of the courtroom screaming. After all, he did eat a chocolate-hot sauce-tartar sauce-peanut butter-garlic sandwich for lunch.

Judge Ri glares at the Princesses, towering over them menacingly.

Judge Ri: You have left me with no choice. I shall have to boodle you both-right now!

He leaves the bench, seizes both Princesses, and boodles both of them at once. A horrifying shriek that shatters every window ensues as both Princesses collapse.

Judge Ri: Oh no. I hope they’re not dead.

Bailiff: I wouldn’t lose sleep over those two. After all, they tried to kill you, and they were both insane. I think the kingdom’s better off without them.

Judge Ri: True, but still…

Another horrifying shriek emits from the now-standing form of Lilianna. She claws at her face and screams.

Lilianna: Oh Danu help me, they’re in my eyes, they’re everywhere, get them off of me, ahhh!!! Go away, you @%#$%#$% Goetic Mon-chee-chees!

Judge Ri smirks triumphantly.

A loud, perky giggle, accompanied by gasps for breath in between shrieks of laughter, emerges from the opposite sides of the room.

Judge Ri: Lilibelle? Is that you?

Lilibelle is alive, conscious, and healthy, but so convulsed with laughter that she cannot get up from the floor.

Lilibelle: Hi, sweet mon-chee-chee, won’t you come and play with me?

Judge Ri (paling): You’re immune to the backlash?

Lilibelle (speaking in between gasps and giggles): What backlash? It doesn’t hurt a bit, Judge Ri, and I can’t shield one bit! Your energy tickles! (frowns as she sees Lilianna) Hey, what’s wrong with her?

Judge Ri: Whenever people try to mess with me, it always backfires, for I am the Avatar of Chaos! Chaos! Chaos! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The vapid look goes out of Lilibelle’s eyes. She straightens up.

Lilibelle: Your Honor, you do realize that Lilianna’s charges are ridiculous, don’t you?

Judge Ri: Yes, I do.

Lilibelle: I have a record from the Royal Physician stating the Lilianna suffers from paranoia. (hands record to Judge Ri)

Bailiff: You people needed a doctor to figure that out?

Lilibelle (to Bailiff): Actually, no. But it makes it official. Since my sister is mentally incompetent, she is not fit to rule. Actually, the Royal Physician was at a loss, since we were both insane.

Judge Ri: You must prove your sanity, Lilibelle.

Lilibelle: How in Danu’s name can I do that?

Lilianna (hissing): I knew you were it on it! You are all responsible for…2#%#$%^#@^@%#^%@$^….#@%#%#@…

Lilibelle: Your Honor, I know now what I must do. Do you have any duct tape?

Judge Ri: I thought you’d never ask.

Lilibelle takes the duct tape from Judge Ri and seals Lilianna’s mouth shut.

Judge Ri: Episode 3

BAILIFF: All rise for the Case of the Bondage Fairy, Judge Ri the Righteous presi-

(One PLAINTIFF gives a raspberry and smirks rudely. She is DAISY SUNSHINE, High Priestess of HELL, Humans and Elves Living Lovingly. A short, bovine-shaped halfling dressed entirely in pink velvet, her dull brown eyes make her resemble a retarded cow.)

DAISY SUNSHINE: Yeah, right.

JUDGE RI: I’m glad we agree. However, you are out of order. Don’t make me get out the duct tape.

(A hopeful sigh and an audible moan issue from JULIELLA, the other PLAINTIFF. She is a lovely fairy clad in nothing but tattered black lace, assorted bruises, and a radiant, if slightly stoned, smile.)

JUDGE RI blinks, but is otherwise unruffled.

JUDGE RI: All righty, then. Let’s get started. (To PLAINTIFFS). One at a time. What happened?

DAISY SUNSHINE: Here at Humans and Elves Living Lovingly, we only permit consensual loving relationships sanctioned by the Goddess of Pure-

JUDGE RI (trying not to yawn): Will you please get to the point, Ms. Sushine?

DAISY SUNSHINE: One of our initiates was taken away by THEM! (points at DEFENDANTS) She was abused and degraded and her innocence was forever lost. (JULIELLA interrupts her by turning a delicate shade of green and gagging). As you can see, Your Honor, when we found poor, sweet, dear Juliella, she was differently behaviored.

JUDGE RI: Juliella, could you translate Ms. Sunshine’s remarks? I’m afraid I don’t speak gibberish.

JULIELLA: Your Honor, I was not abused. I was perfectly fine until that – person – (makes a face and jabs a slender finger at DAISY SUNSHINE) dragged me out of Arianna’s arms – (she bursts into sobs, but quickly brightens when ARIANNA, a pretty black-haired human witch, quickly throws some bright pink energy sparks at her).

JUDGE RI: Are you saying Daisy Sunshine burst into Arianna’s bedroom and physically dragged you away?

JULIELLA: Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE RI: (To JULIELLA) Thank you. You may step down.

(To DEFENDANTS): Please tell me what happened. One at a time, and no ass humor, DARIEN, or I will have to boodle you.

DARIEN (a tall, red-headed biker elf): You’d better not, or I’ll kick your-

DAISY SUNSHINE: You see what I mean, Your Honor? Poor innocent Juliella cannot be permitted to be around those-people!

JUDGE RI: Not even if sweet little Juliella is a psychic vampire?

DAISY SUNSHINE (stops gibbering for the first time since she got into court): What?

ARIANNA: It’s true, Ms. Sunshine. Juliella came to us in tears, afraid she would be cast out of HELL. We thought she’d been brainwashed by some fundy freaks, but-

DARIEN: It’s simple. The girl’s a vamp, but doesn’t know it, OK? Arianna feeds her and makes her see what she is. Then the Pillsbury Dough Girl here (points to DAISY SUNSHINE)-

ARIANNA: comes in ranting and raving and threatens to sue us for debauchery.

DARIEN: What’s wrong with debauchery and ass humor, anyway?

JUDGE RI: (To Darien) Nothing, but that’s not the issue here. (To DAISY SUNSHINE) As I was saying, I can prove Juliella is a vampire.

DAISY SUNSHINE: Not Juliella! She is as pure as-

JULIELLA: The yellow snow. And I am a psivamp. When Arianna threw that energy at me, I felt better. And ever since you dragged me back to HELL, I’ve been feeling terrible. You forbid me to feed-

DAISY SUNSHINE: But that’s wrong! That’s evil! Aieee!!!!! (She exits the courtroom screaming hysterically)

JUDGE RI: Daisy Sunshine seems to have gone insane. Juliella, do you wish to press charges against Darien and Arianna?

JULIELLA (rolls her eyes): What do you think?

JUDGE RI: Case dismissed.

(JULIELLA jumps and squeaks for joy).

JUDGE RI: Could someone please oil Juliella?

DARIEN: That’s someone else’s problem!

JUDGE RI: It’s a dirty job, but I guess I’ll have to do it.

(fade to black)

Judge Ri: Episode 2

BAILIFF: All rise. The case of The Thaumaturgid Academy of the Theleturgically Gifted versus Willawyn Mourning Dove, the Honorable Judge Ri, Prince of Chaos, King of Tentacles, and Chief Boodler presiding.

(All rise. JUDGE RI grins maniacally.)

BAILIFF: Your Honor, I present the plaintiffs, Lord Nullturgid and Lady Odratta, High Priest and Priestess of-

JUDGE RI (interrupting BALIFF): Thank you. I am already well acquainted with these people. (to PLAINTIFFS): And what is all this about again?

LADY ODRATTA (a magewomon of size wearing enough patchouli to gag the Goat of Mendez): This traitor is unworthy to take up space!

JUDGE RI: Who, Lord Nullturgid?

(LORD NULLTURGID [a thin, weedy mage wearing ceremonial regalia that weighs more than he does] glares at JUDGE RI and mutters under his breath.)

JUDGE RI: I couldn’t hear that, Lord Nullturgid. Would you care to repeat that?

LORD NULLTURGID: I curse you to the darkest depths of the Stygian abomination of the Lovecraftian-

WILLAWYN (a pale, spastic girl-mage with a perpetual nervous tremor wearing a simple black robe): Pleae, my Lord, no!

(WILLAWYN leaves the defense box and throws herself at LORD NULLTURGID’S feet.)

JUDGE RI: Hee, hee, hee. That is the stupidest curse I’ve heard since the soundtrack of Battlefield Earth!

LADY ODRATTA: Your Honor, as you can see, this – girl – does not have the discipline, dignity, or deportment it takes to be a mage. She is a sniveling nuisance who must be expelled and declared Anathema in the sight of all the Awakened.

JUDGE RI: Oh, really? You mean she does not have the discipline, dignity, or deportment to curse a judge in his own courtroom?

(LADY ODRATTA glares at JUDGE RI.)

JUDGE RI (to LADY ODRATTA): I take that as a yes. (to WILLAWYN): Please get off the floor and return to your seat. As you can see, these two twits have no power to curse me – or anyone else, for that matter.

(WILLAWYN chokes back a giggle, stops trembling for the first time in her life, and runs back to the defense box.)

JUDGE RI (to WILLAWYN): Since the plaintiffs are not bright enough to explain this case, perhaps you can.

WILLAWYN: I am to be expelled from the Th-Thau- (She bursts into tears, unable to finish her sentence.)

JUDGE RI: It’s OK. I already know the name of your school. You don’t have to choke yourself on all those empty syllables.

(WILLAWYN turns red with anger.)

WILLAWYN: Your Honor, I may be unworthy, but I have sworn to defend the honor of the Academy, even unto death!

JUDGE RI: You poor deluded child, how can you defend the honor of an insitution that clearly has none?

WILLAWYN: I’m sorry, Your Honor, but I have to do this.

(WILLAWYN pulls a bugle out of her voluminous sleeve and blows it. The Noise of Doom erupts, forcing LORD NULLTURGID, LADY ODRATTA, the BAILIFF, and JUDGE RI to the ground. They all lie prone on the floor, not moving. WILLAWYN tiptoes over to JUDGE RI, still clutching the bugle. WILLAWYN kneels down, bending over JUDGE RI as if to close his eyes. JUDGE RI grabs WILLAWYN by the sleeve of her robe, flipping her onto her back. The bugle flies out of WILLAWYN’S hand. While holding WILLAWYN down with one hand, JUDGE RI snatches the bugle with his other hand, holding it out of WILLAWYN’S reach. JUDGE RI pulls WILLAWYN to her feet.)

JUDGE RI: You blow very well, my dear.

WILLAWYN: Thank you, Your Honor. Please allow me to attend to my Lord and Lady-

(The BAILIFF stumbles to her feet, groaning and holding her head.)

BAILIFF: What in Holy Hades was that?

JUDGE RI: That was Willawyn, on bugle. I have confiscated it as…evidence.

BAILIFF: A wise choice. The child is even more tone-deaf than you. Where’d she go, anyway?

(JUDGE RI and the BAILIFF look around, but find no trace of WILLAWYN. Suddenly, a high-pitched scream erupts from a corner. JUDGE RI and the BAILIFF go the corner, and find WILLAWYN on the floor, crouching over the bodies of LORD NULLTURGID and LADY ODRATTA.)

WILLAWYN (covering her face and crying): I killed them!

(The BAILIFF hauls WILLAWYN to her feet, opens a bottle of mead, and puts it in WILLAWYN’S hand.)

THE BAILIFF: Here. Drink this. All of it.

JUDGE RI (to BAILIFF): Are you sure that’s a good idea? She’s underage, and that mead was made by the Pirate Queen herself.

BAILIFF (to JUDGE RI): If you were the student of Lord Nullturgid and Lady Odratta, wouldn’t you need a drink?

JUDGE RI (shuddering): I’d need the entire keg!

BAILIFF: I rest my case. (WILLAWYN drinks from the bottle and stops crying. Once the courtroom is quiet, the BAILIFF kneels down and looks at the bodies.)

BAILIFF: Eew, yuck!

JUDGE RI: What’s wrong?

BAILIFF: Their eardrums exploded.

(WILLAWYN puts down her empty mead bottle.)

WILLAWYN: I’m sorry, Your Honor.

JUDGE RI: I hereby sentence you to one nose lick for apologizing too much.

(JUDGE RI licks WILLAWYN’S nose. WILLAWYN purrs and hugs JUDGE RI.)

JUDGE RI: You LIKE getting your nose licked???

WILLAWYN (still hugging JUDGE RI): Mrrow. Prrr. Squeak!

JUDGE RI: HELP!

(Fade to black).

New Report

Close

Skip to toolbar