BAILIFF: All rise for the Case of the Bondage Fairy, Judge Ri the Righteous presi-
(One PLAINTIFF gives a raspberry and smirks rudely. She is DAISY SUNSHINE, High Priestess of HELL, Humans and Elves Living Lovingly. A short, bovine-shaped halfling dressed entirely in pink velvet, her dull brown eyes make her resemble a retarded cow.)
DAISY SUNSHINE: Yeah, right.
JUDGE RI: I’m glad we agree. However, you are out of order. Don’t make me get out the duct tape.
(A hopeful sigh and an audible moan issue from JULIELLA, the other PLAINTIFF. She is a lovely fairy clad in nothing but tattered black lace, assorted bruises, and a radiant, if slightly stoned, smile.)
JUDGE RI blinks, but is otherwise unruffled.
JUDGE RI: All righty, then. Let’s get started. (To PLAINTIFFS). One at a time. What happened?
DAISY SUNSHINE: Here at Humans and Elves Living Lovingly, we only permit consensual loving relationships sanctioned by the Goddess of Pure-
JUDGE RI (trying not to yawn): Will you please get to the point, Ms. Sushine?
DAISY SUNSHINE: One of our initiates was taken away by THEM! (points at DEFENDANTS) She was abused and degraded and her innocence was forever lost. (JULIELLA interrupts her by turning a delicate shade of green and gagging). As you can see, Your Honor, when we found poor, sweet, dear Juliella, she was differently behaviored.
JUDGE RI: Juliella, could you translate Ms. Sunshine’s remarks? I’m afraid I don’t speak gibberish.
JULIELLA: Your Honor, I was not abused. I was perfectly fine until that – person – (makes a face and jabs a slender finger at DAISY SUNSHINE) dragged me out of Arianna’s arms – (she bursts into sobs, but quickly brightens when ARIANNA, a pretty black-haired human witch, quickly throws some bright pink energy sparks at her).
JUDGE RI: Are you saying Daisy Sunshine burst into Arianna’s bedroom and physically dragged you away?
JULIELLA: Yes, Your Honor.
JUDGE RI: (To JULIELLA) Thank you. You may step down.
(To DEFENDANTS): Please tell me what happened. One at a time, and no ass humor, DARIEN, or I will have to boodle you.
DARIEN (a tall, red-headed biker elf): You’d better not, or I’ll kick your-
DAISY SUNSHINE: You see what I mean, Your Honor? Poor innocent Juliella cannot be permitted to be around those-people!
JUDGE RI: Not even if sweet little Juliella is a psychic vampire?
DAISY SUNSHINE (stops gibbering for the first time since she got into court): What?
ARIANNA: It’s true, Ms. Sunshine. Juliella came to us in tears, afraid she would be cast out of HELL. We thought she’d been brainwashed by some fundy freaks, but-
DARIEN: It’s simple. The girl’s a vamp, but doesn’t know it, OK? Arianna feeds her and makes her see what she is. Then the Pillsbury Dough Girl here (points to DAISY SUNSHINE)-
ARIANNA: comes in ranting and raving and threatens to sue us for debauchery.
DARIEN: What’s wrong with debauchery and ass humor, anyway?
JUDGE RI: (To Darien) Nothing, but that’s not the issue here. (To DAISY SUNSHINE) As I was saying, I can prove Juliella is a vampire.
DAISY SUNSHINE: Not Juliella! She is as pure as-
JULIELLA: The yellow snow. And I am a psivamp. When Arianna threw that energy at me, I felt better. And ever since you dragged me back to HELL, I’ve been feeling terrible. You forbid me to feed-
DAISY SUNSHINE: But that’s wrong! That’s evil! Aieee!!!!! (She exits the courtroom screaming hysterically)
JUDGE RI: Daisy Sunshine seems to have gone insane. Juliella, do you wish to press charges against Darien and Arianna?
JULIELLA (rolls her eyes): What do you think?
JUDGE RI: Case dismissed.
(JULIELLA jumps and squeaks for joy).
JUDGE RI: Could someone please oil Juliella?
DARIEN: That’s someone else’s problem!
JUDGE RI: It’s a dirty job, but I guess I’ll have to do it.
(fade to black)