BAILIFF: All rise. The case of The Thaumaturgid Academy of the Theleturgically Gifted versus Willawyn Mourning Dove, the Honorable Judge Ri, Prince of Chaos, King of Tentacles, and Chief Boodler presiding.
(All rise. JUDGE RI grins maniacally.)
BAILIFF: Your Honor, I present the plaintiffs, Lord Nullturgid and Lady Odratta, High Priest and Priestess of-
JUDGE RI (interrupting BALIFF): Thank you. I am already well acquainted with these people. (to PLAINTIFFS): And what is all this about again?
LADY ODRATTA (a magewomon of size wearing enough patchouli to gag the Goat of Mendez): This traitor is unworthy to take up space!
JUDGE RI: Who, Lord Nullturgid?
(LORD NULLTURGID [a thin, weedy mage wearing ceremonial regalia that weighs more than he does] glares at JUDGE RI and mutters under his breath.)
JUDGE RI: I couldn’t hear that, Lord Nullturgid. Would you care to repeat that?
LORD NULLTURGID: I curse you to the darkest depths of the Stygian abomination of the Lovecraftian-
WILLAWYN (a pale, spastic girl-mage with a perpetual nervous tremor wearing a simple black robe): Pleae, my Lord, no!
(WILLAWYN leaves the defense box and throws herself at LORD NULLTURGID’S feet.)
JUDGE RI: Hee, hee, hee. That is the stupidest curse I’ve heard since the soundtrack of Battlefield Earth!
LADY ODRATTA: Your Honor, as you can see, this – girl – does not have the discipline, dignity, or deportment it takes to be a mage. She is a sniveling nuisance who must be expelled and declared Anathema in the sight of all the Awakened.
JUDGE RI: Oh, really? You mean she does not have the discipline, dignity, or deportment to curse a judge in his own courtroom?
(LADY ODRATTA glares at JUDGE RI.)
JUDGE RI (to LADY ODRATTA): I take that as a yes. (to WILLAWYN): Please get off the floor and return to your seat. As you can see, these two twits have no power to curse me – or anyone else, for that matter.
(WILLAWYN chokes back a giggle, stops trembling for the first time in her life, and runs back to the defense box.)
JUDGE RI (to WILLAWYN): Since the plaintiffs are not bright enough to explain this case, perhaps you can.
WILLAWYN: I am to be expelled from the Th-Thau- (She bursts into tears, unable to finish her sentence.)
JUDGE RI: It’s OK. I already know the name of your school. You don’t have to choke yourself on all those empty syllables.
(WILLAWYN turns red with anger.)
WILLAWYN: Your Honor, I may be unworthy, but I have sworn to defend the honor of the Academy, even unto death!
JUDGE RI: You poor deluded child, how can you defend the honor of an insitution that clearly has none?
WILLAWYN: I’m sorry, Your Honor, but I have to do this.
(WILLAWYN pulls a bugle out of her voluminous sleeve and blows it. The Noise of Doom erupts, forcing LORD NULLTURGID, LADY ODRATTA, the BAILIFF, and JUDGE RI to the ground. They all lie prone on the floor, not moving. WILLAWYN tiptoes over to JUDGE RI, still clutching the bugle. WILLAWYN kneels down, bending over JUDGE RI as if to close his eyes. JUDGE RI grabs WILLAWYN by the sleeve of her robe, flipping her onto her back. The bugle flies out of WILLAWYN’S hand. While holding WILLAWYN down with one hand, JUDGE RI snatches the bugle with his other hand, holding it out of WILLAWYN’S reach. JUDGE RI pulls WILLAWYN to her feet.)
JUDGE RI: You blow very well, my dear.
WILLAWYN: Thank you, Your Honor. Please allow me to attend to my Lord and Lady-
(The BAILIFF stumbles to her feet, groaning and holding her head.)
BAILIFF: What in Holy Hades was that?
JUDGE RI: That was Willawyn, on bugle. I have confiscated it as…evidence.
BAILIFF: A wise choice. The child is even more tone-deaf than you. Where’d she go, anyway?
(JUDGE RI and the BAILIFF look around, but find no trace of WILLAWYN. Suddenly, a high-pitched scream erupts from a corner. JUDGE RI and the BAILIFF go the corner, and find WILLAWYN on the floor, crouching over the bodies of LORD NULLTURGID and LADY ODRATTA.)
WILLAWYN (covering her face and crying): I killed them!
(The BAILIFF hauls WILLAWYN to her feet, opens a bottle of mead, and puts it in WILLAWYN’S hand.)
THE BAILIFF: Here. Drink this. All of it.
JUDGE RI (to BAILIFF): Are you sure that’s a good idea? She’s underage, and that mead was made by the Pirate Queen herself.
BAILIFF (to JUDGE RI): If you were the student of Lord Nullturgid and Lady Odratta, wouldn’t you need a drink?
JUDGE RI (shuddering): I’d need the entire keg!
BAILIFF: I rest my case. (WILLAWYN drinks from the bottle and stops crying. Once the courtroom is quiet, the BAILIFF kneels down and looks at the bodies.)
BAILIFF: Eew, yuck!
JUDGE RI: What’s wrong?
BAILIFF: Their eardrums exploded.
(WILLAWYN puts down her empty mead bottle.)
WILLAWYN: I’m sorry, Your Honor.
JUDGE RI: I hereby sentence you to one nose lick for apologizing too much.
(JUDGE RI licks WILLAWYN’S nose. WILLAWYN purrs and hugs JUDGE RI.)
JUDGE RI: You LIKE getting your nose licked???
WILLAWYN (still hugging JUDGE RI): Mrrow. Prrr. Squeak!
JUDGE RI: HELP!
(Fade to black).