Looking For Those Willing To Help

Hey everybody,

So I’m a practicing witch of almost 13 years, started pretty young. Well anyways one of my I guess “gifts” that’s not even the right word, better worded I excel in helping others find their past lives, and learning to travel through their own door with control. Well anyways one of the things I’ve been working on to help my practice is how our birth, blood type (and other aspects but I don’t wan to go into much detail)  have pattern behavior in our past life, just a theory of course but the only problem is I don’t have resources to otherkin and part of my theory has a lot to do with that. I would love to meet those willing to help and give some details into their otherkinness. These things would include and are not limited to behavior, abilities, birth chart (I’ll do the hard work with it), and so on. If you have made it this far high five! If anyone would be interested in helping me out I would love that. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and consider doing so.


Dreams vs Reality, Something I Hope Helps.

Read Carefully This is Not a Joke.

**I am not selling anything or spamming!!**

I have been wondering if you all would indulge me a moment? As you all know since I am on this site I am a anthro. Like you all I have fantasies and ambitions in so many shades of grey in various areas of life and being furry or Anthro is one of them. There really is no way for me to ease into what about to say so I am just going to say it. I am curious, if I told you about a path about physically changing into your anthro persona would you listen? Or call bullshit without trying? Well that’s what I want to find out. This path I speak of is not limited to your imagination at all, nor your desire to experience being the animal or anthro you envision. You can do anything with this knowledge, anything. I know, you probably think wholly shit we got a nut job on our hands close the thread and ban hammer this asshole. My friends, I have been studying spirituality, occult, mysticism, religion, etc., for 17 years, and they all taught me a lot. But the path I speak off has no name and transcends flesh, mind, and soul. I want to give the anthro community this knowledge because I feel your community is open enough to see the various truths, I say this from a perspective of soul expansion. Not just because I am into this stuff too. I feel people who feel so strongly about their dreams would like to live out these fantasies and make them into reality, of course I would prefer within reason, common sense, equality, and honor. Without wasting your time anymore let me get to the point. I want to introduce one tidbit of chakra info with you. This meditation takes a total of 10-15 minutes and it opens your third eye just above your eye’s in the center of your forehead, when its open you will FEEL IT. Like someone put their fingers and pressed against your forehead. Now I would encourage anyone reading to look up on google the chakra system and third eye. Research the third eye because this is the exercise I am going to give to you. I REALLY encourage you look up the chakras and third eye and I will guide you through more should you desire. I want to make something clear, I am not telling you this information or pushing it for nefarious purposes, I am not out for your soul or anything asinine like that. I just want to be around like minded who can perform the impossible rather than dream it. I wish to start teaching, and learning at the same time from those I teach. I feel a peaceful Anthro society is but one interest of yours, and its true I don’t know you. But I want to. If none of this does not feel right for you I insist you trust your instincts and not read further. My motivation for doing this is I want to be around people who are of anthro mentality and can do the impossible, I want this network of like-minded anthro’s to participate in a hive energy network in order to make each other stronger and speed up the evolution of body/mind/soul, I wish to start teaching what I know, I wish to learn, I wish to help, I wish to shake-up a little the human experience, and so much more. The planet and certain groups of people are starting to awaken to their true selves during an on-going process known as ascension, whether anyone likes it or not. Without explaining and google at your finger-tips I suggest you look this up. To put it bluntly, it’s a refinement process that happens when your alive that prepares you for the higher realms example, “heaven”. Jesus went through this as did buddha and so many other truth seekers. I will explain all this and more should this forum not only allow this thread but if its members interact with this thread. Control (Darkness) and Freedom (Light) are two necessary components for existence. I can teach all this and more. You don’t have to follow me or listen to me, but at least consider it for yourself. As mentioned below you will find an exercise that is for the awakening of your third eye. This is permanent! It just doesn’t disappear after done! The third eye is but one of seven major chakras in your body going along your spine, there is in fact many chakras. The major seven, the major auxiliary chakras then minors. In fact, they are infinite but awaking one starts the process for others. The third eye is called what it is because it’s the window to your soul and mind. It is the seat of psychic ability and your power. So, make sure you want this in your heart!

Warning: This Meditation is permanent! Once you feel a pressure on your brow this does not just go away, it will pulsate every now and then until the end, but you decide if you end, the reason is because energy is circling and spinning! You woke up your third eye and 6th chakra in the center of your head. This path of enlightenment will follow until all chakras are open and complete! This means even in reincarnation! It will follow you forever until you achieved your true self whatever that may be! Also with ascension there is growing pains that can make you feel like your losing your mind, dying, sick, cannot relate to people, places, or things the same way. I strongly encourage you to look up ascension symptoms as this will also give you important info. I want to make sure if you do this you understand the demanding nature of this path. But trust me it’s worth it!

The exercise: Third Eye and 6th chakra Meditation

  1. Get into a cross-legged position with your hands resting at your side’s or on your kneecaps. Make sure your back is straight and you are comfortable. Sit in a yoga position.
  2. Close your eyes and “GENTLY” look up towards the middle of your forehead. Like your eyes are both connecting to one point. One from the left and one from the right vertically looking towards the center of your forehead. Do this gently and do not strain your eyes! I know this sounds dumb but trust me it’s necessary.
  3. Now, being completely calm focus without strain on this point in the middle of your forehead and count backwards from 100 to 0 normal speed while knowing that the focus from your eyes is directing your energy to this spot and it’s going to awaken your third eye and in turn your 6th chakra as well in the center of you head. The color of this energy point is indigo, or dark purple, for better color reference look it up. You will know if you have success when you feel a pressure in the center of your forehead and head. If this does not work the first time keep trying, remember being calm is a necessary. It took me two tries’ when I first did it 17 years ago.
  4. If all the above went well then congratulations you woke up a portion of your true self and infinite power. You will feel activity in your forehead quite often after this but rest assured it is normal and you are ok. Each chakra has an organ or gland that represents it on the physical, for the third eye it’s the pineal gland in your brain.

Why have I chosen the anthro community? I chose you and this community because while people may think you’re crazy, your actually not! I don’t say this from a position that you are lucky to come across me and my power, knowledge, and wisdom, no I am not a self-righteous bastard, I say this because I feel it’s a right you all should have. I am also aware of the fact that there are some of you who practice magic and that’s great, so I am not implying your uneducated. You are a part of an ever-expanding consciousness of this ascension process and all kinds abnormal things are happening to people. Your desire to be something else like an anthro is normal. Eternity is big lol, so everything and anything is possible let me show you the door if you don’t know it. You’ve shown your courageous enough to be yourself let me show you your own power to expand on that. In doing so I will benefit from the same, there is more I need to learn and I feel this is the best path for me and others. I don’t like being so bold, but like Jesus said “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” He was referring to his teachings. In this day and age, the truth is out there for all you to grab and this saying will not hold truth ever again in the way it used to. The only problem is a quote from myself “A few truths lead to many lies.” The information out there can be tampered with, or completely inaccurate. Reply to this post and ask question I will answer when able, or question this thread I am open to critics. I simply ask, will you join me on this journey? Thanks for reading, hopefully you find this insightful or laughable! 😊 Thanks!


We Awaken!
We are Spirit Free!
We soar high up into the clouds!
We ride fierce gales into the starry vault!
We thunder beyond the heavens upon our flaming chariots!
We break up the fountains of the Deeps!
We reverberate into Infinity!
We electrify creation!
We are Spirit Free!
We Awaken!

So… You’re Awake?

Q.Why me?
A. There are several theories as to what the fae are, and how they came to be here. In some cases, it seems that the spirit or soul of an individual has lived many times, and at one point inhabited the body of one of the fae. Another opinion is that the fae originated Elsewhere, and arrived in this world through constructs known as Gates, which have been sealed. Memories from the fae lifetime (or lifetimes) tend to manifest in dreams or as things you “just know”.
Q. Does this mean I was switched at birth?
A. Probably not. Being fae, while it can run in families, is not something generally determined by your birth parents. I was born on a military base with all the security that entails. Depite what my parents might wish, we are genetically related.
Q. Am I delusional or am I normal?
A. Not to sound trite, but this depends on your definitions of “delusional” and “normal”. If by “normal” you mean “like everyone else”, then no, you aren’t “normal”, but do you really want to be? I prefer defining “normal” as “being able to function” and “delusional” as “being unable to function.” For example, I believe I am elven. I realize that this isn’t something I should share with the general populace, because it would require too much explanation. For the same reason, I don’t share the fact that I am Pagan with everyone, or the fact that I am a shaman with everyone. I will share it with those that I believe to be accepting. If I were to try and claim “minority benefits” for being elven, they’d probably lock me up. Likewise, if I were to go around in certain outfits on a regular basis, I’d at least get strange looks.
Q. What do you mean “Awakening”?
A. There seem to be three major ways that people Awaken that I have experienced. The first is the “gradual or independent Awakening,” in which the Sleeper feels a certain distance from others, possibly proceeding through religious experimentation, until hopefully they find a supporting circle. These people may or may not be fae themselves, and the Sleeper may in fact not fully think of themselves as “fae.” The second is the “alarm clock Awakening.” This occurs when the Sleeper is exposed to group of Awakened fae and their own nature surges to the front. This can take the form of recognizing a shared memory or even recognizing a person they’ve never met before. The third type is the “snooze alarm Awakening.” In this form, the Sleeper has seen evidence of their nature, but is choosing – conciously or unconciously – to ignore it.
Q. I have a friend that I think is ‘Kin, but sie seems to still be a Sleeper. How should I help hir Awaken?
A.Best bet is – don’t. It could be that they are worried about the reaction of others, or that it’s just too much for them to deal with at the moment. While the temptation is to beat them over the head with it until they “understand”, that really doesn’t accomplish much – especially if they are afraid that this “elf” thing is a fanatic cult. Telling them to “admit it, you’re one of us” is going to send them screaming into the night. By all means, hang around, and answer questions as best you can, but don’t be concerned if they “don’t get it.”
Q. Does this mean I’m going to develop weird allergies?
A. This is an issue that has sparked a lot of debate. Some of my friends say that they have difficulty with iron “due to their nature”. I have never had a problem with iron. I have at least one friend who is a vampire. She has no problem with running water, holy water, loves garlic, and doesn’t mind going out in the sun. It’s entirely possible that some races of fae are susceptible to iron. For those people, the purity of the iron seems to be a factor, as is whether or not it has been worked
Q. Does this mean I have to act in a certain way?
A. Probably not, if you haven’t felt the urge to. Seriously. Not all members of a group behave the same way.
Q. This person I met claims to be a ___. How should I relate to that?
A. Are you asking how you should relate to hir as a ____ or how you should relate to _____ in general? I for one don’t think that one’s heritage necessarily affects that person’s individual worth. If sie seems like a good person to you, proceed as you would with any other relationship. Just because someone is of the same fae heritage as yourself or someone you like doesn’t mean that you and that person will or have to get along. Just because you don’t like someone of a particular fae heritage doesn’t mean that all people of that heritage are “bad”. I have a few friends who can’t stand each other. I interact with them separately, and they understand that I’m not going to take sides. I personally don’t care if someone is Elenari, Draestari, Listari or Calamari as far as that goes. For one thing, I don’t know precisely what my heritage is. I have clear memories of situations, and I know what “my people’s” lifestyle was, but I don’t have a “clan name” for them. For all I know, my people and their people might be the same, or related. For another, like it or not, some of the memories seem to show that the fae came here from Elsewhere. There’s a couple possible reasons – one, we were exiled or two, we were escaping. I’m discounting rumors of world domination because of the fact that the door “back home” is locked. At any rate, there aren’t that many of us, and very few have organized into groups. Taking all that into consideration, fragmenting ourselves further doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.
Q. I don’t have any memories of a fae life. Does that mean I’m not Otherkin?
A. Absolutely not. There are many reasons why people don’t remember other lifetimes. One of the simplest is that this may be their first time around. There are plenty of folk who are either first- or only-timers. Another is that you might not be prepared for remembering. I’ve seen some people try to force themselves into remembering, or even to force others to remember, and it frequently ends up either muddying the waters or even uncovering rememberings that are painful or stressful to deal with.
Q. What about humans?
A. What about them? Seriously, though, you’ll find that there are a few different schools of thought on how fae relate to non-fae. One is that non-fae are somehow inferior. Another is that “after being Awakened for a while, you find non-fae distasteful”. This makes about as much sense as being superior based on hair color. It’s true that finding a supporting circle among non-fae may be difficult, but it is far from impossible.
Q. How do I know I’m really ‘Kin? Could I be fooling myself into believing in this?
A. The fact that you even think about this question shows a healthy attitude. I’ve seen people (both ‘Kin and non-‘Kin) twisting themselves into knots trying to be something they aren’t. One of the better approaches I’ve seen to this question is remembering that words like “elf”, “Otherkin”, “dragon”, etc. are all just labels. As long as a label works for you, then keep it. If you find yourself trying to cram yourself into fitting a label, it isn’t working, and you should probably re-examine why you are trying to keep that label.

The Shadow of Awareness

So then Ashran and I got talking about people who aren’t really mundane but aren’t really Awake either. Either they never fully Awoke or were Awake and growing once and slipped into sleepishness; either way, they are acting like they are Awake on the surface, but aren’t really Awake.

Newagers who pay lip service to the things they read but never really live the wonderful “revelations” they talk about are one big example. They are people who are living in the shadow of spiritual growth, talking about theories of growth but never even meditating 5 minutes a day.

Similarly, there are people who are living in other shadows, of Awakening, of living magically, living intentionally, etc. For instance, I can talk about being a magical being all day, but I’m not really a magical being if I’m not living as one, if I’m not acting and living like my intentions shape my reality. If I talk about how magical I am but I never really do anything magical, then I’m only living in the shadow of magic, and not really living the magic.

Just as a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, it seems almost worse to me to live in the shadow of something than not to live in it at all. For one thing, it’s dishonesty to one’s self and to others. Take someone that’s mundane. They are living a mundane life. It may not be my own life choice, but it’s theirs; it’s more honest, in a way, than someone who lives mundanely and sadly thinks it’s magical, or someone who thinks they are being magical or deep or Aware but is really just spewing some cool catch phrases and cliches, or doing what the rest of the Sleepers are doing but with different terminology.

A cell phone, e-mail address and bumper sticker that says “elfy chick” does not make me an elf. OK?

For instance, I’ve listened to stoner friends-of-friends go on about their latest deep discoveries and whatnot. Sometimes they make sense and sometimes they don’t and sometimes they are just full of it. A couple of them really think they are on a path of growth and development when in reality their life hasn’t gone anywhere in 2 years. They are stagnating, but really think they are growing and discovering new things. They are living in the shadow of growth.

Or what about the people who think of themeselves as magical beings whose idea of living magically consists of a few tattoos, some face glitter and talking about how many Dieities / historical figures / Great and Mystical Beings they have talked to / pissed off / been? (How to Be a Hip Mystic: spell everything abnormally and wear lots of face glitter.) Or the people who get all the right tools (day planner with moons and stars, polished brass cauldron, cool black knife, etc.) and say all the cool magyckal phrases and know all the Otherkyn places, but don’t really flow/do/participate in any magic? I knew a guy once who was fascinated by the various correlations between astrology, numerology and Hebrew letters in ceremonial magic but hadn’t ever cast a circle. They are living in the shadow of magic.

And some of them are like a kid who comes up to you with a dead cat and says “Fluffy is just sleeping”. It makes you really sad, and you hate to break it to the child that the cat isn’t sleeping, it’s ceased to be a cat. You know it will make them cry, but isn’t it better than letting that child believe that tomorrow Fluffy will be able to play again? The only problem with people living in the shadow of something is that they don’t want to see that they are stagnating, their magic is decaying, their illusions aren’t real, etc. etc., and some of them get rather nasty when you suggest maybe they look at what they are saying against the reality. Or worse, they suggest the cat really is just sleeping, and really it’s going to wake up Any Time Now or was moving when you weren’t looking.

I think it boils down to living honestly, even if living without is better and healthier in my eyes than pretending to live.

The Perils of Remembering

First, you will know sorrow. And not just any sorrow, but the longing sorrow that comes with unfulfillment. Your soul will recall things that not even you can name, and it will want them back again. Sometimes, the old ways becomes an addiction, with all the problems an addiction brings: estrangement, loneliness, craving, even ruthlessness and double-dealing. Oh yes, double-dealing can be one of the first symptoms.

Other times, the past brings fear. Fear can be one of the worst things, in my opinion, having seen so many truly talented people stifle themselves and hide out of fear. Could they have been something great? Did they have a destiny to claim? Oh, most assuredly. We all have our destinies. The world can never know just how wonderful the fearful’s destiny was, because he chose not to claim it and he stagnated.

Most times, though, you will forget to look for joy. There are happy memories as well as sad, yet most people, myself included, seem to hover over the dark and still thoughts. The emotions connected with these are much stronger, this is true. But joy also has the power to bring forth tears. To keep perspective, one has to remember to search for such memories alongside the bad ones.

Second, you will know confusion. The human brain, for all its wonderful complexities, is also short-circuited. One watches Star Wars and they want so much to be like Luke that they fabricate memories for themselves. The human brain has this power; it is a protection device. And there are a lot of things in this crazy world to be protected from, even yourself.

It begins with the longing, the wishing, and then the deep soul-searching until “memories” spring forth. (I was there, George Lucas must be Otherkin, how else could he get the ways of the Force so accurately? I had a teacher just like Kenobi…) It is true there are a lot of creators who may “remember”. But most times they’ll take one memory, one fragment of a spark, and build their entire tale around it. In the telling, details change to become bigger and brighter and bolder. This phenomenon can be illustrated in the old gossip game where everyone sits in a circle and a statement is whispered in someone’s ear. The whisper-recipient then whispers it to another, then the statement is whispered to another, until the final player recites out loud what he was told. Rarely is the statement accurately passed around. This is what happens during the creative process.

Confusion can be just as dangerous as addiction. One should take their memories slowly, very very slowly, and watch their step. One step too far and you might topple into the abyss, into insanity, and only mighty strength can pull you back out again. Then you will know the pain of sorrow again, for you must damn what you remembered and start from scratch. You must be careful what you read and watch and think, for any of those might be false.

Third, and finally, you will know change. They say change is a good thing. Most times, your heart would argue with that. When lovers part forever, that is change and it brings pain and sadness, even if that relationship was bad and breaking up is the good way. It is so with anything else. Your baby turns one, you’re happy and sad. After all, although your child is healthy and growing up strong as he should, he is no longer your tiny infant to suckle at your breast. There has been a gradual change, and it has brought both happiness and sadness.

Remembering brings about changes in personality, perspective and environment. Once, you were timid. Then, you remembered squelching mighty armadas under your technological thumb. Something inside you clicks; you change, you revert. The next person who harrasses you suddenly experiences surprise: you punch his nose.

Perspective is affected in the same moment. You once saw yourself as bottom wolf, as the titmouse to hide from the owls. Now you know you were once an owl, the pack leader, and you are driven to command that power again. You see the world as your oyster, and you want pearls.

Environment tumbles in after. Pearls are riches. What is around you, your environment, is no longer adequate. You begin to change things to suit yourself. Sometimes it comes in small ways: the planting of a special tree or moving closer to the forest. Other times, it comes in tragic ways: you leave your spouse, you homeschool your children, you run for President.

And all the world is affected. It can be in an obvious or hidden manner. Obvious: the book you write, the people you contact through the e-list you’ve begun, those who follow you faithfully into Waco. Hidden: the influential person you support, the canvas you colored and gave to the rich plantation owner, the insane babble spouted across the board, ignored by most.

The world cannot help this. We are all in a helpless circle.

In conclusion, beware the perils of remembering. It is a blackberry-brambled path. You’re going to be nicked and are bound to bleed. You run the chance of being scarred, or your skin becoming too tough to absorb the next lesson. Learn to not skirt these dangers, but look through them and find the berries they protect. Sometimes they can be sour; many times they can be sweet. All will be earned in the right way, and it will be worth it.

Remembering – When Waking up hurts

(For Rialian, who always was a godsblasted catalyst)

I suppose I should start this off with an introduction. Hi, I’m Tirani. I’ve been Otherkin snice I was about three or so, and have walked lots of different paths in the intervining years, and learned lots of things. Until two months ago, much of my self-identity was based in a strong seelie sidhe aspect that was very active in my magikal and mundane world. Then something triggered a change – a shift in the currents that surrounded my life, to use Rialian’s turn of phrase. My astral form shifted to one I did not recognize and could not control. I lost touch with the part of me that I had known since before I could read. Nightmares that I had always had intesified and darkened. I stopped being able to sleep at night and started going just a little bit mad. I started feeling emotions and had thoughts that were nearly alien to me and my usual thought-processes. Then someone sugguested that I was re-Awakening. That’s when I started writing. It kept me sane enough to work through this. Below is the record of what I wrote and the feelings and thoughts that can sometimes come with a traumatic Awakening.

I’m no psychologist. I can’t tell you the best way to handle someone who’s been through a traumatic expreince, other than be gentle, love them, keep the lights low and don’t make any sudden moves. I can tell you that most ‘kin who have to wake up this way tend to need a little more love than most, and a gentle arm to put around their real-world shoulders when they need to talk out or work out or cry out the pain that can come. If you’re comfortable with it, encourage them to talk, or write, or rant and rave. The more it gets out of their system, the more they can start living again.

It should be noted that most Awakenings are not traumatic at all. Most of the time they’re a little scary, but more from a “who the hell am I turning into?” point of view rather than an “ohfuckohfuckohfuck” aspect. Sometimes, through, it can hurt, and it can take months or years to deal with the psychological scar tissue. This re-Awakening happened almost three months ago [as of June 2000], and only now can I bring myself to finish this and write out what happened the final night I worked through this. I still haven’t figured out all the niceities of this new form. I still haven’t figured out what it is. But I don’t twitch anymore when I think about what I remember. And I’m learning to fly again with these new wings.

What is writen below may be disturbing to some. Please keep in mind that this was a stream-of-consciousness-type writing from someone who, at the time, was going a little mad.

Bliss, Blessings and a little love,

Alyannael Shadowalker

remembering 2:51 AM 3/12/00

i don’t know what ri did last night, but it broke open something. a gate, a doorway, a wall that was holding back this. i’m almost wishing he hadn’t. these new wings, they’re heavey, a weight on me. i’m aware of them all the time, and they’re like something that’s tugging at me, forcing me to a place i couldn’t go before and I don’t want to go now. this new awakinging is somethign that i didn’t see coming, it’s something that’s either going to be really really good or really fucking bad.

my raven totem has been around constanly since last night, watching, perching, always in the corner of my eye. i wonder if SHe saw this coming and that’s why she sent me her dark messenger. i haven’t had a change to talk to him, or the others, and i don’t know what they’ll say. i can already feel Ra’rok pulling away, and it’s scaring me as he chose me, not the other way around. the brush of phantom fur assures me that ba’teth still walks at my side, but he’s silent. that scares me too. he’s my voice of sanity half the time, chasing the dreams away if he can.

i close my eyes to sleep tonight curled up with the others and all i can see is blood. blood and there’s rage, and pain and a sorrow so deep it makes me shake and I don’t know what it’s coming from. there’s a creavice somewhere in my soul now and it’s all pouring from it. this is different from the dreams, this is a memory. of what, I don’t know, of who, i don’t know. this isn’t tirani and this isn’t kitten and this isn’t ME. or at least what I thought was me until last night.

I refuse to entertian for a SECOND the idea that I might be Fallen, especially coming so soon after the big long debate on the list about them and Lulu and other’s insistance that they can’t inhabit a human body. I’d love to be able to talk to Ri’s friend that he holds authoratavive on the Fallen, because he might be able to tell me. Gods I don’t want to beleive that I was ever Yahew’s. never in the lives that I can remember did I belong to him and the ones i did i probably don’t remember for a reason, as they were probably dull and mundane and pointless. i respect christians, but I don’t have much respect for their god of death and devine suffering. I’d much rather beleive that the gods don’t wnat us to suffer unless it’s to learn. I’d much rather give my love and my joy and my pleasure as joyful open sacrifices.

two weeks then i can get away. two weeks, then I can find the answers in the forests of the peaks. two weeks and I can walk in the woods and talk to my goddess where i love her the best in the light of the sun and the smell of the trees and the brightness of spring tide come again. i don’t know if i can make it two weeks with these memories flooding at me everytime i stop and don’t think about my lovers or my job or what i need to get done now.

the worst part is i can feel part of my fae soul quieting, like it’s not quite there anymore. like it’s fading in the face of this new revalation. i can’t even force manifest the fae wings right at the moment. i can’t decide if that’s the worst of all becuase it’s something that’s been a part of me for years. something that i relied on and defined me within myself.

i do’nt fucking know and I can’t even talk to phril about it because ‘he doesn’t beleive in faeries’. the one i talk to the most, and i can’t tell him.

remembering 11:18 PM 3/12/00

napped today because i was just that exhausted. slept about an hour. then i woke up and tried to go back to sleep. then it started again.

I saw a little more. started with a falling feeling, like a free fall and then an impact. it hurt alot. lifed my head and looked around. i could see blood every where. in puddle on the ground, on the bodys of those around me, falling like rain from the sky. my wings were burning. my gods it hurt. i was physically clawing at my pillow it hurt so badly. i had a sword in my hand, it was made of something i couldn’t identify. looking up i could see others in the same form in the sky, flying, fighting burning like i was. around me were bodies of ones like me, dead and cold. they were my brothers and sisters. i raised the sword and screamed because my wings wouldn’t work and i couldn’t take off again to rejoin the fight. looking behind me i can see one is at a nasty angle, with bone poking through the flesh.

i clawed awake, scaring the hell out of phril and nearly screaming.

remembering 12:27 PM 3/14/00

observatons, so far, on this new form. The body is alot like the fae one I had. astrally it’s slim, very angular, and very very pale. the skin is so pale there’s almost a blue cast to it. the hands and arms are slender as well, with elongated fingers, four and a thumb. the legs, like the arms, are slim and slightly enlongated, and there’s a more pronounced, almost clawlike heel, with normal porportioned toes. the body has a kind of wiry strength to it. The face is like the body, very angular, but not so as to be unattractive. The cheek bones are pronounced, and the ears are upswept. the eyes are violet, so dark as to be almost purple. the hair is a silvery-moonlight grey, falling to just above the shoulders (about what I have physically now). the mouth is small, and well formed, but like the rest of the form it’s very very pale.

the most striking part is the wings. they’re angelic in form, maybe a touch more angular, and jet black. they shed consantly on the astral, but never go bald. They’re about a foot taller than the form, peaking when they’re folded against the back, and drop down until they’re about 4″ from brushing the floor. All this is subjective, given how fluid distance and size in the astral can be. Across the right (my right) wing is a scar from being broken a long time ago.

there are something like arm gaurds on the forearm in a material I can’t identify, kind of a silverly-black material. set into them are blue-green stones, kind of like laborite with a more pronounced blue flash. there’s an arm band of some kind with a design I can’t quite make out on my left arm, with three feathers dangling from it. One, the largest, is white, the middle, smallest, is black, and the last is blood red, medium sized between the other two. On my right hand is a fingerless glove of a kind, made of a mesh of the unidenitifed material. I carry my sword in my left hand. Set in the back of the glove is the same kind of symbol as the arm band, but I can’t quite make it out as before. over the right shoulder is a protector of sorts, kinda like the shoulder armour of the gaurdian chick in Heavey metal. the strap from it comes down around under the left breast and secures in the back. the material it’s made of is soft as down, but virtirually uncutable, and a blue-ish black. I have no clue what it is. Around the waist is a belt of leather and that cloth, with the sword’s sheath hanging from it. The sheath is black leatehr lined with metal, and tooled with a pattern I can’t make out. There’s another band around the right leg above the knee, tied of the same cloth material, with a pattern woven into it, and it fairly glows with energy. hell, every bit of adornment on this figure glows fairly well. Attached to the band of cloth is a sheath with about a 6″ dagger in it. The leather is black, and tooled intricately. the handle of the dagger is strickly plain, made of the same odd metal with a leather wrap. If I draw it, light casts off it bright as day. around the left ankle is a silver chain with a teardrop amythest set into it. Other than what was just described, the form is naked and most definately female.

the sword is worthy of a discription all it’s own. it’s about the general size and shape of a ‘modern’ long sword, and glows faintly blue, except in battle when it flames a blue-purple, almost faefire like effect. the cross bar is a standard cross shape, ending in two smallish eggs of the same blueflashing stone. on the hand, which is perfectly shaped for my hand, is a design much like the one on the band and glove. the pommel is a curved spike, and wickedly sharp. It could be easily used to rip out someone’s throat or scalp them. the blade is peuternatually balanced and feels very very familar. etched on the metal, which is the same silvery-black as the rest, are runes and sigils that again, I can’t make out. I don’t know if I’m not ready for them or i’m not allowed to remember them.

remembering 12:42 AM 3/15/00

talked to Ri for a while tonight. worked out some things in my head talking with him. I think the key of fully intregrating this new form is going to be getting a clear image of the sigils and etchings on the armourments of new form. Also, he concures that I am not Fallen, nor am I an angel, but there is a possiblity of some other kind of angelic. He’s going to get me some reasources to see if we can figure this out. He also says that this feels familar to him, which means I’m not utterly fucking nuts.

no matter what, this is going to take a good bit of time to work through, and until I can get this new one intergrated into me, i don’t think i’m going to be able to go back to my fae form.

remembering 11:58 AM 3/21/00

I remembered a little more over the weekend. Not much, though. This battle that I keep seeing is a battle between us, the darkwings, and them, the light (white?) wings. we are all children of the goddess. for some reason, though, the light wings have become corrupted. we’re fighting them because they attacked us and we retailated against what whe thought weren’t pure anymore. Gah, it’s very muddled in my head, and i know it will come clearer in in the future.

i can feel the story of what happened teasing in the back of my mind, and i know it’s close to coming out. soon, i hope. i hate it when my brain itches.

remembering 1:28 PM 6/4/00

(this is what happened a few nights after my last entry. Until now, I haven’t been able to bring myself to write it out. Ri came over and helped me sink into an energy trace and mesh with him (for stablity, I was anything but stable.) This is what I saw that night. I haven’t had a nightmare since then. Referenced below: “Her” is She Who Is, the Mother of all. “HER” is Guen, a demonic current that I had extensive dealings with in this life, and apparently others.)

Darkness, falling in darkness, there’s nothign, i can almost hear wind whistling by my face… then light… brigh flash of light.. i’m flying! I’m flying!!! wings spread wide on the wind… sun on my back, warm and comforting… there’s a bright blue sky.. clouds like puffs of cotton.. trees, like pines, only not… a forest at the base of a cliff… silver-grey stone, and a water fall falling over the clif, tehre’s a rainbow on the air above it… bright light.. around the pool at the base of the waterfall is a village… both sides of the bank.. smoke rising for chimmenies.. I know this is my home… no walls around this village, it’s a place of peace, of refuge, of love. my sword is by my side, like it always is… i understand it now. on one side are the warriors, the black wings, who fight for peace in her name. on the other are the white wings, the healers who heal them when tehy come home from those battles.. and who keep her peace sacred.. and rarely when a white and a black join, the grey wings who are taken into Her service in the temple behind the waterfall. she who is rules us with love and justice. we are Her children who are Her own and no one else’s. but something’s happened, something’s not right, I can feel HER here, and she doesn’t belong. why the hell does she haunt me, even back through time. i have to stop her before this starts, before light and dark fight and before we are corrupted. falling, falling, landing at the base of the cliff, the others are walking up to the temple, to see what has come, the preists have called everyone together.. i can feel HER more strongly, i know have to stop this. stop it now stop it now to keep the dreams from coming true. the dreams were a warning, then and now. there’s two me’s. the me of now that’s known her very reall in this life and the me of then that was this winged angelic warrior.. the two are merging.. i can feel the mesh completing… She is me and me is she… i walk up the path into the temple, there are banners with the symbol of She Who Is there. she’s our mother and we love her. the smell of HER is there, reeking and sour, and i can’t understand why no one else notices it, why only i am upset and angered by it. i walk into the meeeting hall, the sacred place where we all come together, and i can see HER, a cloud of black on the silver stone, behind the high preist, and tainting all the others there that follow him… we’re not human, but we’re mortal and just as prone to mortal failings… i push my way to the front, the red torches are staining the silverstone blood red.. it’s dark and the others are confused, it’s never flet like this here before… She Who is can’t be felt, and Her children are scared… I push my way to the front, anger and fury building in our meshed mind.. the preist starts talking about a better way, and a new future… and how something stronger has come to save us…. and i can hear HER laughing, mocking.. i step up and draw my sword, breaking the Law of she who is, that weapons never be bared in the place where she dwells… and I scream at HER to leave, that she is not welcome and i will not let this happen here… i will not let her corrupt me a second time… and i feel a light filling me and spilling out over my words, blasting away the darkness… SHE fights and claws and i scream, but I fight because this CAN NOT happen. SHE can not do this. and the others run away from me because I shine light that is not my own, HER preist flies at me, but is thrown back by the light… finally SHE fades away, and is gone, i can’t feel HER here anymore…. and I collapse, bloody and bruised… the last thing i remember seeing clearly is the sign of She Who Is.

I came awake, panting and nearly crying, but i didn’t feel so insane anymore. And I was fullying joined with this new aspect. I haven’t gone back since. I rather like my new wings.

Reflections on Waking

At about 1:30 am on the morning of April 18th, 2002, I discovered the Otherkin community. Like most of you, I felt as though I had found something that I had sought all my life. I had all but convinced myself that the sensation of phantom wings was an illusion; and my sense of being different was nothing more than the lingering effect of childhood trauma. (Public school was a singularly unpleasant experience – and a mercifully brief one, for I soon began learning at home.) Then, all of a sudden, I found that I was not alone, and for the first time in my life, I was at peace.

I am writing this article in the wee hours of the morning of April 19th. It will go through one draft, and one draft only, though I may make minor corrections before I send it off. I’m doing this because soon – in a few years, or a few months, or perhaps even a few weeks – I will be even farther along on my journey of self-discovery. I will find my place in this society, and I will forget what it is to be born again into this brave new world. Certainly I will forget the fear that follows the initial euphoria of discovery. I find myself wondering whether I will ever truly find my place; if I will find acceptance in this community; if I am deluding myself after all. These fears will pass, I think, but before they do, I must remind you – and remind my future self, lest I forget – what it’s like, and I must tell you some things that I think you should know.

I suppose I’ll begin with the story of my Awakening. I’ve always been different. I’ve always known, on some level, that I am not quite human. Some sensed this and respected, even adored me for it; others sensed it and despised me. Still others could care less – “normal” people are like that sometimes. When I was a child, I had myself convinced that I was an alien. I created an imaginary world for myself, and I was the queen, and everyone loved me.

(Interesting fact: My mortal form is male. I’ve always felt that I was meant to be female, and sure enough, my true form is. I’m straight both ways, and I don’t mean I’m bisexual. I have no desire for a sex- change operation, and I have no desire to wear women’s clothing in this form. Yes, it’s all very confusing. I’m working on an essay on the subject, and would be glad to hear from other “gender displaced” kin – whether you are, in fact, transgender or something more complex, as I am. I’ll return to the subject at hand now.)

Most importantly – I could go home any time I wished.

Except, as it turned out, I couldn’t, and after a few years in which I sent constant telepathic distress signals and received no reply…I gave up on the “alien” idea.

Time passed. I entered adolescence, and began to use magic. I’d always had a few odd talents – the occasional prophetic dream, and an uncanny sort of intuition, among others – but now my powers grew. In time, I could heal myself at an accelerated rate. I could cloud the minds of others, escaping their notice; I could also puff myself up on a psychic level, and thus appear more formidable than I truly was. I could manipulate coincidence on some level. I was soon quite sure that I was a wizard, and currently I am a practicing neopagan (eclectic Wicca, mainly). During my adolescence, my sense of “otherness” was heightened; I was magical, of course, but it was more than that. I began to feel phantom wings on my back. Occasionally I would feel a symbol burning in my brow. And once in a while, I would BE female – my perspective would shift, and though my flesh was still male, I would feel more feminine than masculine. I denied that last part until recently.

I was a Christian mystic/magician when I began to feel the wings, and the symbol – it took me a while to get onto the pagan path – and I therefore came to the conclusion that I was an angel in mortal form. But I wasn’t entirely convinced; it just didn’t feel right. Eventually I let it drop.

Again, time passed. Eventually Wicca started to fit – I’d tried the path before, but it had never really clicked. I needed to be in the right place at the right time, I suppose. This was the road that would lead me to the Otherkin.

While browsing a pagan site, I came across an article describing the online kin community. I’d put my differences with humanity aside, after a fashion, but as I read the piece in question, they came flooding back. I dropped everything and began to explore this new world at once.

Over the past twenty-four hours, I have been giving this more thought than I ever have before. For the first time in my life, I could admit that I wasn’t human, and that liberated me. I still have much to learn, and much to remember, but I have discovered more than I ever dreamed I would. The name I have taken is Casidhe Adain, and though I cannot say for certain that it is my true name in the strictest sense of the word, I can say that it is an Earth equivalent. I’m fairly certain that I am Elenari, or very closely related to those illustrious elves, through blood or friendship; certainly I am an elf of some kind. I can’t explain the wings – they don’t seem to be very common among elves, but I get the sense that they were an abberation back home. (I’m not quite sure where home is, I’m afraid; I remember bits and pieces, but most of it is still out of focus.) I also seem to have some affinity with the denizens of Faerie, as my name implies on its face. But I digress.

So. I am at least partially Awake, and in the process of discovering myself – a process that will continue for the rest of my mortal existence; I doubt that even the most experienced kin can remember everything about who they were or are. As I say, I will soon be integrated into this community, and I will forget what it was like to be a newcomer; thus, I would like to offer a newcomer’s perspective on certain issues.

First: Many of you are reluctant to tell newcomers what they are. Some of you are reluctant even to suggest what they might be. This is very kind of you, but it is misguided. This community is very diverse, but the fact of the matter is that sometimes an elf is just an elf, a dragon just a dragon. If someone comes to you and describes themselves as something that you know to be an elf, tell them they’re probably an elf. You needn’t force that view upon them, and you won’t, really; if they feel differently, they’ll find their own way sooner or later. I discovered the Elenari soon enough, but gosh, it would’ve been helpful if someone had taken me by the metaphorical shoulders and sent me in that direction. My first post to an Otherkin list was a description of my true form as I perceived it and a question – does this sound familiar? No one really responded except for a fellow newcomer. Maybe they just didn’t know, but I have to wonder if some held their tongues because they were reluctant to “force” an idea upon me. It’s ok, guys. Really. I wanted to get some input.

Second: It’s good to tell newcomers that they should try to tell the difference between memories and fabrications, but tread very carefully. That sort of statement, when phrased improperly, makes us extremely nervous. (Unfortunately, I have yet to see a proper phrasing! This may be an impossible request. My apologies if it is.) We’re already new to this, and I rather suspect that we question our sanity far more often than more experienced kin do. Self-doubt can be very painful during this period.

Third: This is going to contradict my first point, at least on the surface, but…the contradiction is already there. Look, if you really believe that kin are what they believe themselves to be, and others can’t say what they are or are not, then please practice what you preach. Don’t make lists of elven traits or draconic traits or what have you – even if you preface them with “these are just the more common traits; not everyone has them; not everyone has all of them”…look, again, it makes newcomers nervous. As I said, I think I’m Elenari, but some of the descriptions of what Elenari are scared me because I didn’t possess some of the traits described.

Newcomers are delicate flowers. It’s a tired metaphor, on many levels, but it’s true. Nurture them, and they’ll become a valuable part of the community. Force them to make their own way and…well…you’re gambling with our community’s future, in my opinion.

That’s all I can think of for now. I can only hope that other newcomers will take the time to fill the gaps I’ve undoubtedly left. Thank you and blessed be.

Addendum: I would like to apologize if I’ve misunderstood some of the information provided by certain members of the community, or if I’ve offended anyone with this article. I’m only trying to help where and however I think I can.

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