Erelin’s List

This list is something inspired by, and applied to Otherkin. This was something Erelin and Fionn worked on during the Hollow Hills gather. The first one involving dragons and tennis balls had our resident dragon floored. Literally.

  1. No longer allowed to take human recruits on the Wyld Hunt.
  2. No longer allowed to take any recruits on the Wyld Hunt.
  3. Not allowed to call the Wyld Hunt on recruits.
  4. Or superior officers.
  5. No longer allowed to draft people from neighbouring nations.
  6. No longer allowed to draft recruits from neighbouring dimensions.
  7. No longer allowed to put the dragon barracks near ammo dumps.
  8. or fuel dumps.
  9. Not allowed to put spiked pit traps in the mess hall.
  10. The rank insignia tells how high up the chain of command a sidhe officer is, not the length of the stick up his/her ass.
  11. Not allowed to look at medical records for the length or existence of said stick.
  12. Not allowed to bring pepper to the dragons.
  13. No longer allowed to order therianthropes to remove their coats.
  14. I should not throw tennis balls at the dragons and yell “Charizard, I choose you!”
  15. Throwing a tennis ball and saying “Charizard, I choose you!” is not how you call in a dragon air strike.
  16. Not allowed to alter rations to have Mountain Dew with grapefruit juice.
  17. Not allowed to convince the dragon recruits to hoard shell casings.
  18. Not allowed to bend space-time during live-fire exercises.
  19. Not allowed to film the therianthropes in the shower, during medical exams, or in the conjugal rooms, and sell the tapes as furry porn.
  20. Not allowed to leave recruits out in the woods.
  21. No longer allowed to send nymphs to the grunts.
  22. No longer allowed to bring nymphs on base.
  23. Even if they are for the superior officers.
  24. This rule does not apply to nymphs who ARE superior officers.
  25. No longer allowed to bring satyrs on base.
  26. Not allowed to hold pixie races.
  27. Not allowed to refer to gryphons as “choppers.”
  28. The appropriate address for any sidhe of superior rank is “sir,” not “you pointy-eared freak.”
  29. Any otherworld denizen with pointed ears is not a Vulcan.
  30. I must not leave iron tacks on the sidhe sergeant’s bunk.
  31. The appropriate response to any sidhe officer’s order is not “live long and prosper.”
  32. The appropriate response to any satyr officer’s order is not “woohoo!”
  33. Not allowed to make cadences in Gaelic.
  34. Or Tolkien elvish.
  35. or klingon.
  36. Not allowed to challenge officers to rigged drinking games.
  37. Not allowed to alter space-time during basic training.
  38. Not allowed to slow time around grenades.
  39. Especially not allowed to speed time around grenades.
  40. No longer allowed near duct tape.
  41. C-4 is not silly putty.
  42. nor is it a laxative.
  43. I do not see dead people.
  44. Saying “I don’t believe in faeries” will not kill any of the troops, but may offend homosexuals.
  45. The elven snipers are not all named Legolas.
  46. Not allowed to bend space-time during formations.
  47. I must not stand at the entry gate to the base with a mage staff and shout “YOU CANNOT PASS!”
  48. I am not qualified to administer iron supplements.
  49. Iron supplements are taken orally, not rectally or via sniper rifle.
  50. I may not prescribe drugs.
  51. I may not bend space-time to re-enact scenes from “the matrix” on the firing range.
  52. Being put on KP does not mean I am allowed to spike the officers’ coffee with Tabasco sauce.
  53. Or Ex-Lax.
  54. Or Dwarven Whiskey.
  55. Not allowed to abduct civilian children and replace them with cheap copies.
  56. Social services does not handle changelings.
  57. “We’re off to see the wizard” is not a cadence.
  58. Not allowed to skip in formation.
  59. Not allowed to order the troops to skip in formation.
  60. Not allowed to spread pixie dust.
  61. Not allowed to order the merfolk to march three miles.
  62. No longer allowed to bring a siren to the karaoke bar.
  63. Not allowed to throw a grenade past any therian unit and shout “fetch!”
  64. “Do virgins taste better than those who are not” is not a cadence for dragon units.
  65. No trainee exercise will begin with “and a five, six, seven, eight…”
  66. Bell-tipped shoes with curly toes are not appropriate combat dress.
  67. Not allowed to trick allied units into surrendering to me.
  68. My official position is not “happiness enforcement officer.”
  69. Not allowed to tell the field medics to start clapping when there is a casualty.
  70. The sidhe wearing cammo paint are not dark elves.
  71. Not allowed to ask the new recruits to choose between the red pill or the blue pill.
  72. Not allowed to switch the labels on the “eat me” and “drink me” bottles.
  73. The dragon air superiority units do not need nose art.
  74. The chain of command is not a toy.
  75. No longer allowed to order dragons to take an emissions test.
  76. The two drink limit does not include a whole bottle of mead.
  77. Even if the general has a sense of humour, there is only one of him. Other officers are not so forgiving.
  78. “My god can beat up your god” is not a cadence.
  79. Neither is “it’s a small world after all.”
  80. If I do start a cadence with “It’s a small world after all,” I will not be surprised if I am the victim of friendly fire.
  81. I am not Master Chief, and the Unseelie Court are not the Covenant.
  82. Not allowed to Riverdance in formation.
  83. Not allowed to order the troops to Riverdance in formation.
  84. Especially not allowed to order the dragons to Riverdance.
  85. Mission plans should not include breaks in causality.
  86. Mission plans do not include “the lamentations of their women.”
  87. No longer allowed to utter the phrase “I give you my word as a pooka.”
  88. The proper response to a lawful order is not “I disbelieve! I disbelieve!”
  89. I cannot save vs. officers.
  90. No longer allowed to sell commanding officers or noncoms to Santa.
  91. Not allowed to deploy the Yeti in Iraq.
  92. Any trap idea that causes my commanding officers to fall on the floor vomiting is not to be implemented.
  93. No longer allowed to implement any idea that gives me “that look on my face.”
  94. Tactics cannot be justified by the Anime Laws of Physics.
  95. During basic training, I am not allowed to hold my rifle in the air and shout “this is my BOOMSTICK!”
  96. Condoms are not a part of military protective gear.
  97. No longer allowed to butt heads with the unicorns.
  98. …or leapfrog.
  99. Not allowed to force a name change on vestal virgins.
  100. No longer allowed to sell soundtracks to battles.
  101. Not allowed to tell dragons where the leprechaun gold is.
  102. Not allowed to tell leprechauns where the dragon hoard is.
  103. Not allowed to refer to the leprechaun rations as “me frosted lucky charms.”
  104. “Dancing a merry jig” is not authorized PT.
  105. Not allowed to paint the grenades like Easter eggs.
  106. Not allowed to taunt the redcaps. EVER.
  107. Brownies are a unit, not a part of the rations.
  108. Not allowed to refer to the leprechauns’ naughty bits as “me frosted lucky charms.”
  109. Not allowed to plant a pager on any soldier performing covert operations.
  110. No longer allowed to supply the dragons with ketchup.
  111. Not allowed to douse superior officers with ketchup.
  112. Not allowed to convince the dragons that the chain of command tastes good with ketchup.
  113. Not allowed to convince the dragons that any infantry or cavalry with armor are “crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside.”
  114. No longer allowed to quote Hannibal Lechter or Titus Andronicus during combat missions.
  115. Not allowed to try to convince the dragons that anyone is crunchy OR good with ketchup. They know better. I think.
  116. Dwarven infantry are not all named Gimli.
  117. The elves are not solely there to save my puny ass.
  118. I am not to refer to any recently repaired weaponry as “the sword reforged.”
  119. Not allowed to tell the infantry “don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”
  120. Scout missions are not for selling cookies.
  121. Not allowed to carry any weapon bigger than a nuke.
  122. Not allowed to CREATE any weapon bigger than a nuke.
  123. I do not have the authority to deploy nukes.
  124. Not allowed to summon Cthulhu on the parade grounds.
  125. My speciality is not demolitions. EVER.
  126. Not allowed to challenge any soldier to a race around the world.
  127. Nagah units do not have cadences which say “My anaconda don’t want none unless it’s got BUNS, honey!”
  128. Not allowed to ask the minotaur units “got milk?”
  129. Not allowed to call any centaur “Seabiscuit.”
  130. Combat mages are not named Gandalf.
  131. Or Dumbledore.
  132. When someone challenges me to the field of honor, it has nothing to do with mowing the lawn.
  133. “Can we settle this like men” does not mean running and screaming at the first sign of danger.
  134. No longer allowed to make jokes about “my unit.”
  135. Not allowed to talk about “clubbing baby seals” in front of the selkies.
  136. Even if they are dressed in goth.
  137. Not allowed to steal the selkies’ seal coats.
  138. Or switch them in their lockers.
  139. Or sell them on E-bay.
  140. Stealing a selkie’s coat does not necessarily mean they will do my bidding. They will more than likely shoot me and find it anyway.
  141. Selling the merfolk to Sea World is NOT funny.
  142. “If you like pina coladas” is not a cadence.
  143. I am not legally allowed to perform marriage. Even if I am, I am not allowed to do so by my commanding officers.
  144. Especially if those being married are not aware of being married.
  145. I cannot marry off my superior officers.
  146. No matter how whiny the Wiccans get, I am not allowed to re-institute the burning times.
  147. The civilians are not target practice.
  148. Not allowed to switch the weres’ shampoo with Nair.
  149. The proper way to assemble a platoon is not to shout “Level 46 Pooka LFG.”
  150. Not allowed to tell the sprite, pixie, or brownie troops that “size does matter.”
  151. I must leave the toadstool rings alone.
  152. Not allowed to sell condos in the otherworld.
  153. I am not Gordon Freeman, and the Crossroads is not Xen.
  154. Nighttime ops are not “Blair Witch Projects.”
  155. Putting up little stick dolls and piles of rocks around the tents is not funny.
  156. Working with the dragon airborne units does not entitle me to frequent flier miles.
  157. Or those little bags of peanuts.
  158. There are otherkin besides sidhe in the officer ranks, and I should not forget this and make up conspiracy theories that say otherwise.
  159. Not allowed to come up with conspiracy theories.
  160. Or conspiracies.
  161. Not allowed to make Stargate references, especially when opening interdimensional gateways.
  162. Not allowed to make cracks about “taking this to a higher court.”
  163. “Rocky Horror Picture Show” is not appropriate in formation.
  164. Nor is it appropriate PT.
  165. “Hulk Smash” is not a tactic.
  166. Not allowed to institute Arcadian policy in any nation.
  167. No longer allowed to go to Avalon on leave.
  168. There is no such thing as the Whore of Avalon.
  169. Pants are required for inspection.
  170. No longer allowed to make pedophilia jokes about “the land of youth forever.”
  171. Not allowed to send vampires to the summerlands.
  172. Not allowed to switch the vampire rations with cherry kool-aid.
  173. Not allowed to tie-dye the selkie coats.
  174. Or any uniforms.
  175. Or any officers.
  176. Other ‘kin types are not Pokemon. I do not need to “catch ’em all.”
  177. I cannot marry my superior officer’s child.
  178. Not allowed to ask for “your first born child” as a reenlistment bonus.
  179. No longer allowed to feign death whenever I hear a gunshot.
  180. The proper way to end a situation report is not “and I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.”
  181. World of Warcraft is not a real military exercise.
  182. Not allowed to fondle ordinance while hissing “my preciousssss…”
  183. Not allowed to fondle officers while hissing “my preciousssss…”
  184. There is no such thing as sexual warfare, no matter what the satyrs may say.
  185. Not allowed to make remarks about “bringing a sword to a shootout.”
  186. Not allowed to feign death whenever someone says “I don’t believe in faeries.”
  187. Orders are to be given verbally, not rectally.
  188. or by poking individual troops with a gauntlet.
  189. It’s the Seelie court, not the Silly court.
  190. No longer allowed to tend bar at the officer’s club. EVER.
  191. Streaking is not an appropriate distraction.
  192. Grenades are not appropriate substitutes for sporting equipment.
  193. Not allowed to play Quidditch with the janitorial supplies.
  194. Not allowed to call in air strikes on rush hour traffic.
  195. Not allowed to attempt any of the items listed at
  196. Not allowed to program any GPS to read “second star on the right, straight on until morning.”
  197. Mission parameters do not include “kill moose and squirrel.”
  198. Not allowed to make remarks to the women officers about their “Tir Na Knockers.”

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