Watch-fires

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There is no solace on Earth for us, for such as we
Who seek a hidden city we may never come to see
Only the moon, the stars, the wind and the rain
The watch-fires under the universe, then the open road again

For where in ages past our hearts and souls did dwell
In secret glades of which no human tongue can tell
And now our souls untethered, upon that lonely road we roam
To seek with yearning in us, for that place we once called home

What tears may fall like rivers swift unto the sea do flow
What sorrows deep as ocean tides that only we may know
What hidden longing calls us from where the watch-fires burn
To journey on in hope of finding that for which we yearn

And yet through dreams from time to time, a glimpse beyond the veil
Or still in waking, a memory of some long forgotten tale
Stirs in us the faintest glow of hope within the heart
That Home, and we, may not be so many miles apart

And there shall come a fateful day, for all we gathered here.
When we may come to find again all that which we hold dear.
Where once again the watch-fires burn, and we no longer roam
And hand in hand, together we shall at last come home.

Where Have They Gone?

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Where have all the faeries gone?
This I cannot say
But the woods are empty now
Where once they used to play
When I walk among the trees
I listen for their song
But the glades are silent now
Where have they all gone?

Where have all the dragons gone?
This I do not know
But their caves are empty now
Where did the dragons go?
When I walk among the hills
I look into the sky
But I see no dragons there
Where only birds now fly.

Where are all the unicorns?
Please tell me where they hid
Why did they run away from us?
Was it something that we did?
And tell me too, what of the elves
So magickal and fair?
Trooped away under their hills
Or vanished in the air?

Do not fear, my little one
Those unicorns and elves
And faeries bright and dragons brave
They have not hid themselves
They’re walking still among us
If you have eyes to see
In every town and country
That’s where those fair folk be

You see them everywhere you look
In every school and street
In every park and place of work
Among the folk you meet
If you look closely at me
You’ll see that I’m one too
And listen to your inner voice
My child, for so are you.

Wyld Hunt

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we are the eyes shining bright
we are the howling in the night
we are the blood burning with desire
we dance leaping round the fire
we are the secret inside the hood
we are the laughter in the darkling wood
we are the rustling in the limbs
we are the noises on the wind
we are the shadows behind the stones
we are the feeling deep in your bones
we are the faces in the bark
we are the lights winding through the dark
we are the music you can’t resist
we are the proof that we exist
we are the cats playing their games
we are the owls calling your name
we spin madly to our drums
through the forest we now run
we are the teeth that never blunt
we are the Wyld Hunt.

Fluff Bunny and the Sidhe

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This brief tale has been requested numerous times. So here it is for your amusement.

Cute fluff-bunny: casts spell to summon faerie
Sidhe nobleman: wrenched away from feast/important meeting/lover by spell
Cute fluff-bunny: Would you mind lighting that candle for me?
Sidhe: looks dumbfounded for a moment
Cute fluff-bunny: (slowly) I asked you to light the candle…
Angry Sidhe: grabs candle, turns fluff-bunny over, inserts candle, picks box of matches off nearby table, lights candle Sidhe curses fluff-bunny for the next 7 generations in fifteen different languages and goes back to what they were doing.

Erelin’s List

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This list is something inspired by skippyslist.com, and applied to Otherkin. This was something Erelin and Fionn worked on during the Hollow Hills gather. The first one involving dragons and tennis balls had our resident dragon floored. Literally.

  1. No longer allowed to take human recruits on the Wyld Hunt.
  2. No longer allowed to take any recruits on the Wyld Hunt.
  3. Not allowed to call the Wyld Hunt on recruits.
  4. Or superior officers.
  5. No longer allowed to draft people from neighbouring nations.
  6. No longer allowed to draft recruits from neighbouring dimensions.
  7. No longer allowed to put the dragon barracks near ammo dumps.
  8. or fuel dumps.
  9. Not allowed to put spiked pit traps in the mess hall.
  10. The rank insignia tells how high up the chain of command a sidhe officer is, not the length of the stick up his/her ass.
  11. Not allowed to look at medical records for the length or existence of said stick.
  12. Not allowed to bring pepper to the dragons.
  13. No longer allowed to order therianthropes to remove their coats.
  14. I should not throw tennis balls at the dragons and yell “Charizard, I choose you!”
  15. Throwing a tennis ball and saying “Charizard, I choose you!” is not how you call in a dragon air strike.
  16. Not allowed to alter rations to have Mountain Dew with grapefruit juice.
  17. Not allowed to convince the dragon recruits to hoard shell casings.
  18. Not allowed to bend space-time during live-fire exercises.
  19. Not allowed to film the therianthropes in the shower, during medical exams, or in the conjugal rooms, and sell the tapes as furry porn.
  20. Not allowed to leave recruits out in the woods.
  21. No longer allowed to send nymphs to the grunts.
  22. No longer allowed to bring nymphs on base.
  23. Even if they are for the superior officers.
  24. This rule does not apply to nymphs who ARE superior officers.
  25. No longer allowed to bring satyrs on base.
  26. Not allowed to hold pixie races.
  27. Not allowed to refer to gryphons as “choppers.”
  28. The appropriate address for any sidhe of superior rank is “sir,” not “you pointy-eared freak.”
  29. Any otherworld denizen with pointed ears is not a Vulcan.
  30. I must not leave iron tacks on the sidhe sergeant’s bunk.
  31. The appropriate response to any sidhe officer’s order is not “live long and prosper.”
  32. The appropriate response to any satyr officer’s order is not “woohoo!”
  33. Not allowed to make cadences in Gaelic.
  34. Or Tolkien elvish.
  35. or klingon.
  36. Not allowed to challenge officers to rigged drinking games.
  37. Not allowed to alter space-time during basic training.
  38. Not allowed to slow time around grenades.
  39. Especially not allowed to speed time around grenades.
  40. No longer allowed near duct tape.
  41. C-4 is not silly putty.
  42. nor is it a laxative.
  43. I do not see dead people.
  44. Saying “I don’t believe in faeries” will not kill any of the troops, but may offend homosexuals.
  45. The elven snipers are not all named Legolas.
  46. Not allowed to bend space-time during formations.
  47. I must not stand at the entry gate to the base with a mage staff and shout “YOU CANNOT PASS!”
  48. I am not qualified to administer iron supplements.
  49. Iron supplements are taken orally, not rectally or via sniper rifle.
  50. I may not prescribe drugs.
  51. I may not bend space-time to re-enact scenes from “the matrix” on the firing range.
  52. Being put on KP does not mean I am allowed to spike the officers’ coffee with Tabasco sauce.
  53. Or Ex-Lax.
  54. Or Dwarven Whiskey.
  55. Not allowed to abduct civilian children and replace them with cheap copies.
  56. Social services does not handle changelings.
  57. “We’re off to see the wizard” is not a cadence.
  58. Not allowed to skip in formation.
  59. Not allowed to order the troops to skip in formation.
  60. Not allowed to spread pixie dust.
  61. Not allowed to order the merfolk to march three miles.
  62. No longer allowed to bring a siren to the karaoke bar.
  63. Not allowed to throw a grenade past any therian unit and shout “fetch!”
  64. “Do virgins taste better than those who are not” is not a cadence for dragon units.
  65. No trainee exercise will begin with “and a five, six, seven, eight…”
  66. Bell-tipped shoes with curly toes are not appropriate combat dress.
  67. Not allowed to trick allied units into surrendering to me.
  68. My official position is not “happiness enforcement officer.”
  69. Not allowed to tell the field medics to start clapping when there is a casualty.
  70. The sidhe wearing cammo paint are not dark elves.
  71. Not allowed to ask the new recruits to choose between the red pill or the blue pill.
  72. Not allowed to switch the labels on the “eat me” and “drink me” bottles.
  73. The dragon air superiority units do not need nose art.
  74. The chain of command is not a toy.
  75. No longer allowed to order dragons to take an emissions test.
  76. The two drink limit does not include a whole bottle of mead.
  77. Even if the general has a sense of humour, there is only one of him. Other officers are not so forgiving.
  78. “My god can beat up your god” is not a cadence.
  79. Neither is “it’s a small world after all.”
  80. If I do start a cadence with “It’s a small world after all,” I will not be surprised if I am the victim of friendly fire.
  81. I am not Master Chief, and the Unseelie Court are not the Covenant.
  82. Not allowed to Riverdance in formation.
  83. Not allowed to order the troops to Riverdance in formation.
  84. Especially not allowed to order the dragons to Riverdance.
  85. Mission plans should not include breaks in causality.
  86. Mission plans do not include “the lamentations of their women.”
  87. No longer allowed to utter the phrase “I give you my word as a pooka.”
  88. The proper response to a lawful order is not “I disbelieve! I disbelieve!”
  89. I cannot save vs. officers.
  90. No longer allowed to sell commanding officers or noncoms to Santa.
  91. Not allowed to deploy the Yeti in Iraq.
  92. Any trap idea that causes my commanding officers to fall on the floor vomiting is not to be implemented.
  93. No longer allowed to implement any idea that gives me “that look on my face.”
  94. Tactics cannot be justified by the Anime Laws of Physics.
  95. During basic training, I am not allowed to hold my rifle in the air and shout “this is my BOOMSTICK!”
  96. Condoms are not a part of military protective gear.
  97. No longer allowed to butt heads with the unicorns.
  98. …or leapfrog.
  99. Not allowed to force a name change on vestal virgins.
  100. No longer allowed to sell soundtracks to battles.
  101. Not allowed to tell dragons where the leprechaun gold is.
  102. Not allowed to tell leprechauns where the dragon hoard is.
  103. Not allowed to refer to the leprechaun rations as “me frosted lucky charms.”
  104. “Dancing a merry jig” is not authorized PT.
  105. Not allowed to paint the grenades like Easter eggs.
  106. Not allowed to taunt the redcaps. EVER.
  107. Brownies are a unit, not a part of the rations.
  108. Not allowed to refer to the leprechauns’ naughty bits as “me frosted lucky charms.”
  109. Not allowed to plant a pager on any soldier performing covert operations.
  110. No longer allowed to supply the dragons with ketchup.
  111. Not allowed to douse superior officers with ketchup.
  112. Not allowed to convince the dragons that the chain of command tastes good with ketchup.
  113. Not allowed to convince the dragons that any infantry or cavalry with armor are “crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside.”
  114. No longer allowed to quote Hannibal Lechter or Titus Andronicus during combat missions.
  115. Not allowed to try to convince the dragons that anyone is crunchy OR good with ketchup. They know better. I think.
  116. Dwarven infantry are not all named Gimli.
  117. The elves are not solely there to save my puny ass.
  118. I am not to refer to any recently repaired weaponry as “the sword reforged.”
  119. Not allowed to tell the infantry “don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”
  120. Scout missions are not for selling cookies.
  121. Not allowed to carry any weapon bigger than a nuke.
  122. Not allowed to CREATE any weapon bigger than a nuke.
  123. I do not have the authority to deploy nukes.
  124. Not allowed to summon Cthulhu on the parade grounds.
  125. My speciality is not demolitions. EVER.
  126. Not allowed to challenge any soldier to a race around the world.
  127. Nagah units do not have cadences which say “My anaconda don’t want none unless it’s got BUNS, honey!”
  128. Not allowed to ask the minotaur units “got milk?”
  129. Not allowed to call any centaur “Seabiscuit.”
  130. Combat mages are not named Gandalf.
  131. Or Dumbledore.
  132. When someone challenges me to the field of honor, it has nothing to do with mowing the lawn.
  133. “Can we settle this like men” does not mean running and screaming at the first sign of danger.
  134. No longer allowed to make jokes about “my unit.”
  135. Not allowed to talk about “clubbing baby seals” in front of the selkies.
  136. Even if they are dressed in goth.
  137. Not allowed to steal the selkies’ seal coats.
  138. Or switch them in their lockers.
  139. Or sell them on E-bay.
  140. Stealing a selkie’s coat does not necessarily mean they will do my bidding. They will more than likely shoot me and find it anyway.
  141. Selling the merfolk to Sea World is NOT funny.
  142. “If you like pina coladas” is not a cadence.
  143. I am not legally allowed to perform marriage. Even if I am, I am not allowed to do so by my commanding officers.
  144. Especially if those being married are not aware of being married.
  145. I cannot marry off my superior officers.
  146. No matter how whiny the Wiccans get, I am not allowed to re-institute the burning times.
  147. The civilians are not target practice.
  148. Not allowed to switch the weres’ shampoo with Nair.
  149. The proper way to assemble a platoon is not to shout “Level 46 Pooka LFG.”
  150. Not allowed to tell the sprite, pixie, or brownie troops that “size does matter.”
  151. I must leave the toadstool rings alone.
  152. Not allowed to sell condos in the otherworld.
  153. I am not Gordon Freeman, and the Crossroads is not Xen.
  154. Nighttime ops are not “Blair Witch Projects.”
  155. Putting up little stick dolls and piles of rocks around the tents is not funny.
  156. Working with the dragon airborne units does not entitle me to frequent flier miles.
  157. Or those little bags of peanuts.
  158. There are otherkin besides sidhe in the officer ranks, and I should not forget this and make up conspiracy theories that say otherwise.
  159. Not allowed to come up with conspiracy theories.
  160. Or conspiracies.
  161. Not allowed to make Stargate references, especially when opening interdimensional gateways.
  162. Not allowed to make cracks about “taking this to a higher court.”
  163. “Rocky Horror Picture Show” is not appropriate in formation.
  164. Nor is it appropriate PT.
  165. “Hulk Smash” is not a tactic.
  166. Not allowed to institute Arcadian policy in any nation.
  167. No longer allowed to go to Avalon on leave.
  168. There is no such thing as the Whore of Avalon.
  169. Pants are required for inspection.
  170. No longer allowed to make pedophilia jokes about “the land of youth forever.”
  171. Not allowed to send vampires to the summerlands.
  172. Not allowed to switch the vampire rations with cherry kool-aid.
  173. Not allowed to tie-dye the selkie coats.
  174. Or any uniforms.
  175. Or any officers.
  176. Other ‘kin types are not Pokemon. I do not need to “catch ’em all.”
  177. I cannot marry my superior officer’s child.
  178. Not allowed to ask for “your first born child” as a reenlistment bonus.
  179. No longer allowed to feign death whenever I hear a gunshot.
  180. The proper way to end a situation report is not “and I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.”
  181. World of Warcraft is not a real military exercise.
  182. Not allowed to fondle ordinance while hissing “my preciousssss…”
  183. Not allowed to fondle officers while hissing “my preciousssss…”
  184. There is no such thing as sexual warfare, no matter what the satyrs may say.
  185. Not allowed to make remarks about “bringing a sword to a shootout.”
  186. Not allowed to feign death whenever someone says “I don’t believe in faeries.”
  187. Orders are to be given verbally, not rectally.
  188. or by poking individual troops with a gauntlet.
  189. It’s the Seelie court, not the Silly court.
  190. No longer allowed to tend bar at the officer’s club. EVER.
  191. Streaking is not an appropriate distraction.
  192. Grenades are not appropriate substitutes for sporting equipment.
  193. Not allowed to play Quidditch with the janitorial supplies.
  194. Not allowed to call in air strikes on rush hour traffic.
  195. Not allowed to attempt any of the items listed at skippyslist.com.
  196. Not allowed to program any GPS to read “second star on the right, straight on until morning.”
  197. Mission parameters do not include “kill moose and squirrel.”
  198. Not allowed to make remarks to the women officers about their “Tir Na Knockers.”

You might be otherkin if…

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Table of Contents

A lot of these might also apply to anyone [kin or otherwise] of a general magical or pagan persuasion as well. YMMV. Look to the *s for Eshari’s humble opinion of which “count” more, as they’re less explicable by other things.

A. Physical Characteristics and Remnants of Former Bodies/Lives

  1. * You feel a lot older than your grandmother and cannot explain why. *
  2. * You miss a place, yet cannot explain where it is. *
  3. You find it very frustrating that you can’t breathe under water or fly.
  4. * You have “phantom” body parts that you can feel move, and that sometimes become really annoying with clothes (fur, wings, claws…). *
  5. You modify (or wear special) clothing or sit/stand/walk differently to accomodate physical characteristics your waking body doesn’t have – or you don’t even realize you’re making such accomodations until someone else points out that you are.
  6. * From time to time you have a REALLY bad night’s sleep because you slept on your wings wrong. *
  7. Your doctor can’t figure out how you damaged your back to start with, but you don’t really want to tell hir it’s a battle injury from a previous life.
  8. You have the occasional really annoying itch on your back, right where your wings would be at.
  9. * Transsexuals often want sex-change operations. You want SPECIES-change operations. *
  10. You are always the first one to hear something in the distance (ie: approaching car, person, storm…).
  11. * You have either more allergies than normal folks, possibly including odd ones like metals (iron and alloys, silver, gold, copper); stones (hematite, malachite, pyrite); certain herbs; or other substances not commonly considered allergenic, or you have a dragon’s constitution and have less allergies than normal folks, and are not prone to disease (you never had the flu, etc.). *
  12. You have naturally dilated pupils, or see very well in the dark.
  13. You have bright green or violet eyes, or eyes with multiple colours in them, or that change color.
  14. * Some part of your body changes shape and/or color. *
  15. You look radically different from day to day.
  16. * The “you” you see in the mirror and the physical shell experienced by other people are entirely different entities. *
  17. You resent being forced to pick a sex, and earnestly wish you were both or neither.
  18. You find yourself unable to develop an addiction – after a certain point, certain substances stop affecting you entirely. This is most bothersome when it’s much-needed prescription medication.

 

B. Personality Characteristics, Perceptions and Habits

  1. * You don’t consider yourself really human. *
  2. Your creativity (of whatever persuasion) consumes you to the point of eccentricity.
  3. You know, see, and feel a deeper depth of existence than the visible world around us.
  4. * The woods, glens, etc. speak to you and call you to come join them. *
  5. You have a deeper understanding and viewpoint of the cycle of life and death than many people do.
  6. * Most people find their inner children. You found your inner puppy or hatchling. *
  7. You remember your dreams with more detail, clarity and relevance than your waking moments.
  8. * Dance, music, art, beauty are not luxuries, peripheral experiences or mere entertainment, but physical needs. *
  9. Linear thought is a problem, and linear time an even greater one.
  10. * The books that speak the greatest Truths to you are found in the Fantasy/SF section. *
  11. * Your best friends are nymphs, pixies, and fairies. *
  12. You think trees or holes in the ground are a great places to live.
  13. * You catch yourself referring to David Bowie as “cousin.” *
  14. You find it hard to explain to mundanes that there really IS a dragon sitting on your pencil case and she’s been talking to you all through math and English.
  15. You can sleep on the floor, ground or a wood bed, but not a metal frame bed.
  16. You collect little ‘oddities’ that don’t match anything else you own. Going to an antique store is like going to an adoption agency. You actually own more knick-knacks and stuff than the antique store down the street.
  17. * No religion seems to fit you, no matter which one you try. *
  18. You are the definition of “weird”.
  19. You love to hide in natural places when emotionally or otherwise upset.
  20. * You can actually speak Tolkien Elvish, and it feels like your mother tongue. *
  21. * You don’t match your “real” age in looks, thoughts, words, wisdom, etc. *
  22. The weather and your moods have more than a coincidental link.
  23. You write such good stories cause they aren’t stories… it’s all real.
  24. You feel you’d have done much better a few hundred years back. Living History not only describes your favorite activity, it describes you.
  25. You have an obesession with honor most people just don’t understand.
  26. You’ve been in or almost caused a car accident because you were distracted by the sunset, sunrise, rainbow, moon, stars, lightning, and/or interesting cloud formations.
  27. You bore very easily.
  28. You get downright pissed when people harm animals or plants or destroy the environment.
  29. As a child you always knew where to find the berries in the woods.
  30. You are fascinated with language, linguistics, theology, anthropology, slang, subculture and the madness of crowds.
  31. Weddings make you depressed and funerals elate you.
  32. You see through spiritual charlatans like they were made of glass.
  33. Your personality changes outright depending on the clothing you wear. That includes a mixed personality if you mix two kinds of clothing.
  34. * You always go for things in silver rather than gold, bronze, etc. *

 

C. Interactions With the “Mundanes”

  1. * Human language just isn’t enough to FULLY convey what you are trying to say. You feel telepathy, empathy, and visual sendings make up most of your languge and you often tend to use these more than spoken words, much to the dismay of those around you. *
  2. Your friends and family have always thought of you as “different”.
  3. You never quite see things from the same point of view as your mundane friends.
  4. Your mundane friends never quite get your sense of humor.
  5. Mundanes think you are eccentric, very intelligent or crazy, but you think that you are normal and they are the ones who are odd.
  6. * You have actually answered elf, dragon, fae, pixie, werewolf, etc. under the “Race” section of surveys or when asked by telemarketers. *
  7. You are frequently offered “Santa’s Helper” jobs at Christmas without an interview.
  8. Your friend’s cat, who hates EVERYONE including your friend, loves you.
  9. People either love you or hate you and you cannot figure out why.
  10. Animals and trees are better friends to you than most mundanes.
  11. * You feel horrible if you have to act human, and weird things happen to you when you try. *
  12. * When you haven’t slept for a few nights running, haven’t eaten, don’t feel pain, etc., the standard explanation from your friends is “but we all know you’re not human…”
    …before you’ve even told them what you really are. *
  13. You attract the strangest people. They seem to congregate around you as if attracted by some pheremone only they can perceive.
  14. You almost never play a human character in role-playing games. (Bonus points if you refuse to play a human in the SCA, but rather play a vampire, elf or faerie.)
  15. People’s professed personalities and beliefs cause you to break out in peals of laughter at socially inappropriate times.
  16. People often ask you if you are on drugs.
  17. * Hospitals, most schools, government buildings, and large, impersonal corporations either depress you to the point of tears or trigger panic attacks. *
  18. * Small children come up to you and hug you for no apparent reason. *

 

D. Magic, Psi and Strange Occurrences

  1. You think nothing of adjusting your energy to a Peace signature to calm down someone who’s agitated. (Fun with glamour, folks!)
  2. When you don’t want to be noticed, you can be wearing three-inch spikes and a mohawk, and people walk past you, oblivious.
  3. Your dreams bleed over into mundane reality.
  4. * You catch glimpses of an alternate reality superimposed or side-by-side with mundane reality. When you’re half asleep and half awake, the worlds tend to blur and you can see numerous realities existing at once. *
  5. Your wishes affect mundane reality in a tangible way.
  6. There are too many synchronicities happening to pass them all off as coincidence.
  7. Small children run up to you and point out the nice lady with pointy ears or the big furry man or the dragon.
  8. * Grown people run up to you and nervously ask you if you’ve ever thought of yourself as “elf-like” or “dragon-like,” or just get positively freaked out being near you.
  9. You start “bleeding over” in pictures. *
  10. You dream prophetically.
  11. * When really stressed/relaxed/magickal you speak in a foreign unknown language, make animal noises, or start speaking in what sounds like gibberish to other people. *
  12. People are spooked when you walked up behind them and they never heard you coming. You move so silently that you can even sneak up on a police dog without it noticing you.
  13. Energy work seems so natural for you that even as a beginner you baffle most veteran magic users.
  14. You’ve met someone you instantly knew from dreams you’ve been having since you were five.
  15. From time to time really strange things happen, like you get cut and your blood falls on a white rose and it turns red, and within a month the entire rose bush has deep red flowers.
  16. You sense spirits residing within rocks, trees, waters, buildings, mechanical objects, etc., and you converse with them regularly.
  17. You didn’t know that not everyone did lucid dreaming (astral projection, hands-on healing, aura sight, telepathy, precognition…) until you read about it.
  18. * You “smell” what kind of mood the people around you are in. *
  19. Computers often malfunction, act up, and do lots of unusual things in your presence, causing your coworkers to ask you to “stand over there, please” and causing your company’s resident computer tech many hours of heartache.
  20. Sometimes when you see or meet a stranger you see a flash of their True Nature without even trying.
  21. You can alter time, manipulate the weather, conjure things or teleport by accident, etc. without ever having learned how nor understanding how these are possible.
  22. * When they unearth an ancient earth artifact that “no one” knows about you not only find that you recognize it, but also that you had been telling your friends about it for the last few years. *
  23. Energy is one of your favorite toys.
  24. You don’t just dream, you go planet-hopping.
  25. Time always does weird things around you.
  26. Your friends use you as the resident antenna for the radio, for it always receives better sound when you stand in front of it.
  27. You cannot wear watches or other timepieces on your person. If you do, they are rendered completely useless within days and become blithering idiots that have no idea what time it really is anymore.
  28. You can hear the stars singing.
  29. You can’t understand why people need all those props to do anything magical, when it’s so much simpler to just reach and change something. You’re unable to grasp that there are people who can’t feel magical flows, no matter how often you hear otherwise.
  30. * All of your best friends/lovers/etc. awaken to their Otherkin natures within a few months of meeting you. *
  31. You can’t ever remember the color of someone’s eyes, but you can describe their aura/astral form in detail.

Versions

Version 1.0 3/9/99 if it’s useless and does nothing, call it version 1.0!
Version 1.1 3/15/99 added some from Adara and deleted a few
Version 1.2 3/20/99 added some from Thistle and made other various changes
Version 1.21 3/26/99 fixed some odd formatting
Version 1.22 11/3/99 added one to section A and *-ed those that are, in the editor’s humble opinion, “more telling” than others
Version 1.3 11/15/99 added a few new contributions
Version 1.4 9/17/00 HTML markup added
Version 2.0 01/28/01 deleted some that are overly silly, irrelevant, misleading, in-joke-ish or incomprehensible, edited others to be clearer, and generally tried to bring it up to more “public consumption” standards

Credits

Eshari Starling edited and spell-checked this thing and organized it and stuck it all together.
The following people, in no particular order, have offered up their souls to help compose this list: Adara, Thistle Kachunk, Willow, Miracle, Lindsay, Ruadh, Fer, Aine, Illuviel, Jen/Blue/Spirati, Ki’taye and hir sidekick, Lelya, Kerr/Robin, Aerienne, Skiewing, the Lollipop Trollop, and Eshari.
Kerr/Robin’s were ripped from the ancient and musty TNO archives without them knowing it, but Esh figures those people will never see this anyway. 🙂

Judge Ri: Episode 4

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Bailiff: Oyez, Oyez, Oyez, The Honorable Judge Ri, Tamer of Cats, Handler of Snakes and Elves, and Wearer of Lizards and other Reptiles, presiding.

All rise. Judge Ri looks at the docket, buries his face in his long slender hands, and groans.

Judge Ri: Are both parties in this case really elven princesses?

Bailiff: Sorry, Your Honor, I’m afraid so. I’ll buy you a bottle of blueberry wine afterwards.

Judge Ri takes his face out of his hands and looks at the parties to the case. At first, it is impossible to tell the Princesses apart. Both look like typical Elven Princesses: tall, slender, and fair as willows, with long hair as golden as the sun and large cornflower-blue eyes. Naturally, they are both dressed in white samite gowns and wear only the simplest of circlets on their noble alabaster brows… OK, enough already. Back to the case!

Judge Ri (to Plaintiff): Please introduce yourself and tell us what you are charging your sister with.

Plaintiff: I am Her Most Royal Highness Crown Princess Lilianna Nightshade. That imposter over there (glares spitefully and points at Defendant) calls herself Lillibelle Buttercup.

Judge Ri (rolling his eyes): Enough namecalling. What did Lilibelle do to you?

Plaintiff: She has tried to murder me!

Bailiff (under her breath): I can certainly see why. You are a royal pain in the…

Plaintiff: She fed me, a Noble Elven Princess, poison! And here it is! (She thrusts a bottle into Judge Ri’s hand.)

Judge Ri bursts out laughing.

Plaintiff: What’s so funny? You’re an elf, too. Oh, I get it now. You’re one of them, aren’t you? That slut Lilibelle has spread her legs and poisoned your mind against me…

Judge Ri: Lilianna, those are iron pills. Vitamins.

Plaintiff: Your Honor, if you are indeed a True Elf, you would know that iron is deadly to Our Kind.

Judge Ri: Hmm…so not only are you a paranoid idiot, you also have read way too many fairy tales. (He smirks.) I dis-

Defendant (identical to her sister, but vapid and sweet to the point of making you barf): Your Honor, the charges are true.

Judge Ri: If you did try to poison Lilianna, I can certainly see why.

Defendant: Oh, no, Your Honor, I would never do that! But I have still deserve the death penalty, Your Honor, for I have committed treason.

Judge Ri (totally confused): I beg your pardon?

Defendant: I have murdered poor, sweet, darling Lilianna many times.

Judge Ri: In a past life?

Defendant: No, in my heart. You see, Your Honor, the sacred teachings of HELL help me eliminate that which is negative from my life. For instance, before I joined HELL, I thought I had just as much right to the kingdom as Lilianna did. After all, Father did leave it in his will that we would rule together. But then I realized that due to my greed and my inability to relinquish venal material…

Plaintiff: Your Honor, you see why the kingdom should go entirely to me. My sister has proved herself an imbecile.

Judge Ri (to Plaintiff): One more word out of you and I’m charging you with slander. (to Defendant) Please continue.

Defendant: Well, Lilianna has always told me the truth, helping me to see my limitations, you see. Ever since we learned to talk, she was helpfully pointing out my failures. Before I joined HELL, I resented my sister’s efforts, thinking of her as a meanspirited, namecalling witch. But thanks to Daisy Sunshine’s loving kindness and teaching me to reframe things, I have seen that every person and experience in my life is a blessing. In every criticism lies truth. In HELL, I have learned to thank Lilianna for every truth that she imparts, and have stopped resenting her, for I have learned that she is, and has always been, my first and greatest teacher.

(Judge Ri barfs discreetly into a bucket).

Plaintiff: As you can see, Your Honor, my sister is an insincere little sycophant who does not deserve the throne. She deserves to be driven out of town as the little tramp that she is!

Defendant (to Plaintiff): Thank you, my dearest sister, for rebuking me for the sin that lies within me, for even though I am a virgin, I have stained my honor and disgraced myself by looking with longing on Sir Mark with lust in my heart.

Bailiff: May I duct tape them both, Your Honor? Between Lilianna’s bitching and Lilibelle’s blessing, I’m about to barf.

The Plaintiff and Defendant exchange brief but significant looks, whisper sibilant syllables, and point their hands at Judge Ri.

Judge Ri: Look ou-…AAAAHHHHH!

A large, brown, furry, frighteningly cute monkey-like beast with red eyes and bloody claws embraces Judge Ri.

Monkey: Mon-chee-chee, mon-chee-chee, oh so soft and cuddly!

Judge Ri: Help!

The Mon-chee-chee smells Judge Ri’s breath and runs out of the courtroom screaming. After all, he did eat a chocolate-hot sauce-tartar sauce-peanut butter-garlic sandwich for lunch.

Judge Ri glares at the Princesses, towering over them menacingly.

Judge Ri: You have left me with no choice. I shall have to boodle you both-right now!

He leaves the bench, seizes both Princesses, and boodles both of them at once. A horrifying shriek that shatters every window ensues as both Princesses collapse.

Judge Ri: Oh no. I hope they’re not dead.

Bailiff: I wouldn’t lose sleep over those two. After all, they tried to kill you, and they were both insane. I think the kingdom’s better off without them.

Judge Ri: True, but still…

Another horrifying shriek emits from the now-standing form of Lilianna. She claws at her face and screams.

Lilianna: Oh Danu help me, they’re in my eyes, they’re everywhere, get them off of me, ahhh!!! Go away, you @%#$%#$% Goetic Mon-chee-chees!

Judge Ri smirks triumphantly.

A loud, perky giggle, accompanied by gasps for breath in between shrieks of laughter, emerges from the opposite sides of the room.

Judge Ri: Lilibelle? Is that you?

Lilibelle is alive, conscious, and healthy, but so convulsed with laughter that she cannot get up from the floor.

Lilibelle: Hi, sweet mon-chee-chee, won’t you come and play with me?

Judge Ri (paling): You’re immune to the backlash?

Lilibelle (speaking in between gasps and giggles): What backlash? It doesn’t hurt a bit, Judge Ri, and I can’t shield one bit! Your energy tickles! (frowns as she sees Lilianna) Hey, what’s wrong with her?

Judge Ri: Whenever people try to mess with me, it always backfires, for I am the Avatar of Chaos! Chaos! Chaos! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The vapid look goes out of Lilibelle’s eyes. She straightens up.

Lilibelle: Your Honor, you do realize that Lilianna’s charges are ridiculous, don’t you?

Judge Ri: Yes, I do.

Lilibelle: I have a record from the Royal Physician stating the Lilianna suffers from paranoia. (hands record to Judge Ri)

Bailiff: You people needed a doctor to figure that out?

Lilibelle (to Bailiff): Actually, no. But it makes it official. Since my sister is mentally incompetent, she is not fit to rule. Actually, the Royal Physician was at a loss, since we were both insane.

Judge Ri: You must prove your sanity, Lilibelle.

Lilibelle: How in Danu’s name can I do that?

Lilianna (hissing): I knew you were it on it! You are all responsible for…2#%#$%^#@^@%#^%@$^….#@%#%#@…

Lilibelle: Your Honor, I know now what I must do. Do you have any duct tape?

Judge Ri: I thought you’d never ask.

Lilibelle takes the duct tape from Judge Ri and seals Lilianna’s mouth shut.

Judge Ri: Episode 3

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BAILIFF: All rise for the Case of the Bondage Fairy, Judge Ri the Righteous presi-

(One PLAINTIFF gives a raspberry and smirks rudely. She is DAISY SUNSHINE, High Priestess of HELL, Humans and Elves Living Lovingly. A short, bovine-shaped halfling dressed entirely in pink velvet, her dull brown eyes make her resemble a retarded cow.)

DAISY SUNSHINE: Yeah, right.

JUDGE RI: I’m glad we agree. However, you are out of order. Don’t make me get out the duct tape.

(A hopeful sigh and an audible moan issue from JULIELLA, the other PLAINTIFF. She is a lovely fairy clad in nothing but tattered black lace, assorted bruises, and a radiant, if slightly stoned, smile.)

JUDGE RI blinks, but is otherwise unruffled.

JUDGE RI: All righty, then. Let’s get started. (To PLAINTIFFS). One at a time. What happened?

DAISY SUNSHINE: Here at Humans and Elves Living Lovingly, we only permit consensual loving relationships sanctioned by the Goddess of Pure-

JUDGE RI (trying not to yawn): Will you please get to the point, Ms. Sushine?

DAISY SUNSHINE: One of our initiates was taken away by THEM! (points at DEFENDANTS) She was abused and degraded and her innocence was forever lost. (JULIELLA interrupts her by turning a delicate shade of green and gagging). As you can see, Your Honor, when we found poor, sweet, dear Juliella, she was differently behaviored.

JUDGE RI: Juliella, could you translate Ms. Sunshine’s remarks? I’m afraid I don’t speak gibberish.

JULIELLA: Your Honor, I was not abused. I was perfectly fine until that – person – (makes a face and jabs a slender finger at DAISY SUNSHINE) dragged me out of Arianna’s arms – (she bursts into sobs, but quickly brightens when ARIANNA, a pretty black-haired human witch, quickly throws some bright pink energy sparks at her).

JUDGE RI: Are you saying Daisy Sunshine burst into Arianna’s bedroom and physically dragged you away?

JULIELLA: Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE RI: (To JULIELLA) Thank you. You may step down.

(To DEFENDANTS): Please tell me what happened. One at a time, and no ass humor, DARIEN, or I will have to boodle you.

DARIEN (a tall, red-headed biker elf): You’d better not, or I’ll kick your-

DAISY SUNSHINE: You see what I mean, Your Honor? Poor innocent Juliella cannot be permitted to be around those-people!

JUDGE RI: Not even if sweet little Juliella is a psychic vampire?

DAISY SUNSHINE (stops gibbering for the first time since she got into court): What?

ARIANNA: It’s true, Ms. Sunshine. Juliella came to us in tears, afraid she would be cast out of HELL. We thought she’d been brainwashed by some fundy freaks, but-

DARIEN: It’s simple. The girl’s a vamp, but doesn’t know it, OK? Arianna feeds her and makes her see what she is. Then the Pillsbury Dough Girl here (points to DAISY SUNSHINE)-

ARIANNA: comes in ranting and raving and threatens to sue us for debauchery.

DARIEN: What’s wrong with debauchery and ass humor, anyway?

JUDGE RI: (To Darien) Nothing, but that’s not the issue here. (To DAISY SUNSHINE) As I was saying, I can prove Juliella is a vampire.

DAISY SUNSHINE: Not Juliella! She is as pure as-

JULIELLA: The yellow snow. And I am a psivamp. When Arianna threw that energy at me, I felt better. And ever since you dragged me back to HELL, I’ve been feeling terrible. You forbid me to feed-

DAISY SUNSHINE: But that’s wrong! That’s evil! Aieee!!!!! (She exits the courtroom screaming hysterically)

JUDGE RI: Daisy Sunshine seems to have gone insane. Juliella, do you wish to press charges against Darien and Arianna?

JULIELLA (rolls her eyes): What do you think?

JUDGE RI: Case dismissed.

(JULIELLA jumps and squeaks for joy).

JUDGE RI: Could someone please oil Juliella?

DARIEN: That’s someone else’s problem!

JUDGE RI: It’s a dirty job, but I guess I’ll have to do it.

(fade to black)

Judge Ri: Episode 2

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BAILIFF: All rise. The case of The Thaumaturgid Academy of the Theleturgically Gifted versus Willawyn Mourning Dove, the Honorable Judge Ri, Prince of Chaos, King of Tentacles, and Chief Boodler presiding.

(All rise. JUDGE RI grins maniacally.)

BAILIFF: Your Honor, I present the plaintiffs, Lord Nullturgid and Lady Odratta, High Priest and Priestess of-

JUDGE RI (interrupting BALIFF): Thank you. I am already well acquainted with these people. (to PLAINTIFFS): And what is all this about again?

LADY ODRATTA (a magewomon of size wearing enough patchouli to gag the Goat of Mendez): This traitor is unworthy to take up space!

JUDGE RI: Who, Lord Nullturgid?

(LORD NULLTURGID [a thin, weedy mage wearing ceremonial regalia that weighs more than he does] glares at JUDGE RI and mutters under his breath.)

JUDGE RI: I couldn’t hear that, Lord Nullturgid. Would you care to repeat that?

LORD NULLTURGID: I curse you to the darkest depths of the Stygian abomination of the Lovecraftian-

WILLAWYN (a pale, spastic girl-mage with a perpetual nervous tremor wearing a simple black robe): Pleae, my Lord, no!

(WILLAWYN leaves the defense box and throws herself at LORD NULLTURGID’S feet.)

JUDGE RI: Hee, hee, hee. That is the stupidest curse I’ve heard since the soundtrack of Battlefield Earth!

LADY ODRATTA: Your Honor, as you can see, this – girl – does not have the discipline, dignity, or deportment it takes to be a mage. She is a sniveling nuisance who must be expelled and declared Anathema in the sight of all the Awakened.

JUDGE RI: Oh, really? You mean she does not have the discipline, dignity, or deportment to curse a judge in his own courtroom?

(LADY ODRATTA glares at JUDGE RI.)

JUDGE RI (to LADY ODRATTA): I take that as a yes. (to WILLAWYN): Please get off the floor and return to your seat. As you can see, these two twits have no power to curse me – or anyone else, for that matter.

(WILLAWYN chokes back a giggle, stops trembling for the first time in her life, and runs back to the defense box.)

JUDGE RI (to WILLAWYN): Since the plaintiffs are not bright enough to explain this case, perhaps you can.

WILLAWYN: I am to be expelled from the Th-Thau- (She bursts into tears, unable to finish her sentence.)

JUDGE RI: It’s OK. I already know the name of your school. You don’t have to choke yourself on all those empty syllables.

(WILLAWYN turns red with anger.)

WILLAWYN: Your Honor, I may be unworthy, but I have sworn to defend the honor of the Academy, even unto death!

JUDGE RI: You poor deluded child, how can you defend the honor of an insitution that clearly has none?

WILLAWYN: I’m sorry, Your Honor, but I have to do this.

(WILLAWYN pulls a bugle out of her voluminous sleeve and blows it. The Noise of Doom erupts, forcing LORD NULLTURGID, LADY ODRATTA, the BAILIFF, and JUDGE RI to the ground. They all lie prone on the floor, not moving. WILLAWYN tiptoes over to JUDGE RI, still clutching the bugle. WILLAWYN kneels down, bending over JUDGE RI as if to close his eyes. JUDGE RI grabs WILLAWYN by the sleeve of her robe, flipping her onto her back. The bugle flies out of WILLAWYN’S hand. While holding WILLAWYN down with one hand, JUDGE RI snatches the bugle with his other hand, holding it out of WILLAWYN’S reach. JUDGE RI pulls WILLAWYN to her feet.)

JUDGE RI: You blow very well, my dear.

WILLAWYN: Thank you, Your Honor. Please allow me to attend to my Lord and Lady-

(The BAILIFF stumbles to her feet, groaning and holding her head.)

BAILIFF: What in Holy Hades was that?

JUDGE RI: That was Willawyn, on bugle. I have confiscated it as…evidence.

BAILIFF: A wise choice. The child is even more tone-deaf than you. Where’d she go, anyway?

(JUDGE RI and the BAILIFF look around, but find no trace of WILLAWYN. Suddenly, a high-pitched scream erupts from a corner. JUDGE RI and the BAILIFF go the corner, and find WILLAWYN on the floor, crouching over the bodies of LORD NULLTURGID and LADY ODRATTA.)

WILLAWYN (covering her face and crying): I killed them!

(The BAILIFF hauls WILLAWYN to her feet, opens a bottle of mead, and puts it in WILLAWYN’S hand.)

THE BAILIFF: Here. Drink this. All of it.

JUDGE RI (to BAILIFF): Are you sure that’s a good idea? She’s underage, and that mead was made by the Pirate Queen herself.

BAILIFF (to JUDGE RI): If you were the student of Lord Nullturgid and Lady Odratta, wouldn’t you need a drink?

JUDGE RI (shuddering): I’d need the entire keg!

BAILIFF: I rest my case. (WILLAWYN drinks from the bottle and stops crying. Once the courtroom is quiet, the BAILIFF kneels down and looks at the bodies.)

BAILIFF: Eew, yuck!

JUDGE RI: What’s wrong?

BAILIFF: Their eardrums exploded.

(WILLAWYN puts down her empty mead bottle.)

WILLAWYN: I’m sorry, Your Honor.

JUDGE RI: I hereby sentence you to one nose lick for apologizing too much.

(JUDGE RI licks WILLAWYN’S nose. WILLAWYN purrs and hugs JUDGE RI.)

JUDGE RI: You LIKE getting your nose licked???

WILLAWYN (still hugging JUDGE RI): Mrrow. Prrr. Squeak!

JUDGE RI: HELP!

(Fade to black).

Judge Rialian: Episode 1

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LIVE FROM OTHERKIN TV:

The Bailiff:

Order in the court! The Honorable Judge Rialian, Prince Righteous, Defender of the Royal Throne, HOPE of the Realm, is now presiding!

Plaintiff: Lady Taffy Brightstar of Willowood Defendant: Rowan al’Thandor, alleged Dandelion Mage

The Plaintiff is suing the Defendant for $93 million for turning her crabapple trees into Dandelions and making wine from said flowers without giving her a share of the profits.

Judge Ri: What’s the problem?

Taffy (a small, rather rotund elf who resembles a ball of dough): He’s the evil Dandelion Mage, he is, he is! He turned all my crabapples into dandelions!

Judge Ri: And the problem is? (raises one eyebrow)

Taffy: He made wine and did not give me any of the profits realized!

(Rowan groans and shakes his head).

Judge Ri hands Taffy a slice of Brie: Here’s some cheese to go with your whine.

(Everyone groans).

Rowan (a handsome young dragon with a roguish grin): Your Honor, it was at Lady Brightstar’s request that I made the Dandelion Wine for her. All profits were to be split 50-50.

Judge Ri (to Taffy): Is that true?

Taffy: Yes.

Judge Ri: So, what’s going on here?

Rowan: We broke up, that’s all, and she went off her rocker.

Taffy: Your Honor, I am suing this evil Dandelion Mage for pain and suffering and damages inflicted…

Rowan: Well, I am countersuing for…

Judge Ri: Enough, both of you.

(Taffy and Rowan keep arguing and screaming).

Judge Ri: Don’t make me come down there.

(They both yell louder and start throwing things at each other).

Judge Ri: All right, that’s it!

He descends from the bench, grabs them both, and gives each a sloppy, resounding lick on the nose.

Taffy and Rowan: AAAAIIIEEEEEEE!!!! (They run out of the courtroom still screaming).

Bailiff: That wraps it up for today’s episode of Judge Ri! See you next time, when we have the divorce case of The Bondage Fairy who was kept in captivity by a band of Elves and liked it!

You May Be Wight

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(to the tune of “You may be right” by Billy Joel, obviously).

Friday night I crashed your gather
Saturday I said I’m sorry
Sunday came and raised you up again.
I was only having fun
Wasn’t biting anyone
And we all enjoyed the barrows for a change

I’ve been stranded in the twilight zone
I fell through Zandru’s Hell alone
Even rode an elvensteed to the moon.
And you told me not to fly
But I managed to survive
So you said that only proves that I’m a fey.

You may be right,
I might be Faery….
But it just might be an otherkin you’re looking for.
Turn out the light
Don’t try to save me
You may be one for all I know
But you may be wight

Remember how I found you you there
Alone in that faery cairn.
I’d have asked you for a smoke, but you were wyld.
You were lonely for a man
I said take me as I am
‘Cause there wont be any of those here for a while.

Now think of all the weres you tried to
Find some wolf to satisfy you
I might be as crazy as you say
If I’m crazy then it’s true
That it’s all because of you
And you wouldn’t want me any other fey

You may be right,
I might be Faery….
But it just might be an otherkin you’re looking for.

It’s too late for flight
It’s too late for changelings
You may be one for all I know
But you may be wight

You may be right,
I might be Faery….
But it just might be an otherkin you’re looking for.

Turn out the light
Don’t try to save me
You may be one for all I know
But you may be wight
You may be one but you may be wight
You may be one but you may be wight

50 Ways to Host Your Brothers

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(tune of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon)

“The problem is that you lack a head”, she said to me.
“The answer is easy if you take it logically.
“I’d like to help you in your struggle to be me,
“There must be 50 ways to host my brothers….”

She said, “It’s really not my habit to include,
“And furthermore I hope my residents won’t be lost or mixed with you.
“But I’ll reveal myself, at the risk of being a brood,
“There must be 50 ways to host my brothers–50 ways to host my brothers…

“Ya just split down the back, Jack
“Make a new man, Stan
“Y’don’ need to destroy Roy
“Just get into me–
“Hop on the bus, Gus
“Ya don’ need to discuss much–!
“Just squeeze in with me, Lee
“And we can be three…”

“Ooh, split down the back, Jack
“Make a new man, Stan
“Y’don’ need to destroy Roy
“Just get into me–
“Hop on the bus, Gus
“Ya don’ need to discuss much–!
“Just squeeze in with me, Lee
“And we can be three…”

She said “It grieves me so to see you lack a brain,
“I wish there were something I could do
“To make you live again.”
and I said that I appreciate that
and “Would you please explain about the 50 ways–?”

She said, “Why don’t we both just sleep on it tonight
“And I believe in the morning you’ll begin to see the light.”
And then she channeled me and I realized she probably was right,
There must be 50 ways to host your brothers.
50 ways to host your brothers…

“Ya just split down the back, Jack
“Make a new man, Stan
“Y’don’ need to destroy Roy
“Just get into me–
“Hop on the bus, Gus
“Ya don’ need to discuss much–!
“Just squeeze in with me, Lee
“And we can be three…”

“Ya just split down the back, Jack
“Make a new man, Stan
“Y’don’ need to destroy Roy
“Just get into me–
“Hop on the bus, Gus
“Ya don’ need to discuss much–!
“Just squeeze in with me, Lee
“And we can be three…”

Along comes a Faery

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Every time I think that
I’m the only one who’s lonely
Something comes to me
And every now and then
I spend my time at song and swords
And curse the faults in me

And then along comes a Faery
And does it want to give me kicks and be a mystic click
And give me pick of stories
Or maybe rather gather tales from all the days of tribulation
No one ever sees
When we met I was sure out to lunch
Now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch

When vague desire is the fire
In the eyes of faes whose sickness
Is the games they play
And when the masquerade is played
The neighbor folks make jokes
At who is most to blame today

And then along comes a Faery
And does it want to set me free and
Let me see reality
From where they got my name
And will they struggle much
when told that such a tender touch of hers
Will make them not the same
When we met I was sure out to lunch
Now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch

And when the morning of the warning’s passed
The gassed and flaccid dreams
Are flung across the stars
The psychodramas and the traumas gone
The songs have all been sung
And hung upon the scars

And then along comes a Faery
And does she want to see the stains,
The dead remains of all the pain
She left the night before
Or will their waking eyes reflect the lies
And make them realize
Their urgent cry for sight no more
When we met I was sure out to lunch
Now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch

Sweet as the punch
Sweet as the punch
Sweet as the punch
Sweet as the punch

Cho-Ku-Rei

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(from Yesterday by the Beatles)

Cho-Ku-Rei,
Dai-ko-mio Raku Shonen-Fe.
Gnosa Kryia Zonar Tsuriai.
Om So-la-kyu, Cho-ku-rei.

Sei-he-ki,
Halu Rama Iava La-Ra-See–
Shanti Teser’tien Hyo-o-ki.
Harth Cho-ku-rei Om Go-She-Ki.

Hon-Sha-Ze-Sho-Nen, Tian-ta, Sereasin.
Shanti Neresta, Setana Om Cho-Ku-Rei.

Cho-Ku-Rei,
Dai-ko-mio Raku Shonen-Fe.
Gnosa Kryia Zonar Tsuriai.
Om So-la-kyu, Cho-ku-rei.

Hon-Sha-Ze-Sho-Nen, Tian-ta, Sereasin.
Shanti Neresta, Setana Om Cho-Ku-Rei.

Cho-Ku-Rei,
Dai-ko-mio Raku Shonen-Fe.
Gnosa Kryia Zonar Tsuriai.
Om So-la-kyu, Cho-ku-rei.
hmmmm-m-mmmm-m mmmmm-m-m

Long Lonesome Road to Old Texarcadia: A Country&Elvish song

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Not exactly a filk, but I’m sure it can be sung to *some* Johnny Cash song or other trucker’s favourite.

Well it’s a looong, lonesome road, down to old Texarkadia…
Can’t seem to get nothing, on this here old radia…

Been hauling this load, for ten thousand stadia,
at the end of the road, well, I got something to say to ya….
Well, they said that Dun Ailinne was pretty darn big,
Nigh as big as the wheel on the Dagda’s own rig, …

But that was a long time ago…
Nothing lasts for me, now, don’t y’all know,
Yeah, I had all the lady I’d ever seen yet,
And we parted one day that I’ll never forget…

“Yeah, I’m drivin, I’m drivin, that Elven Express,
Gonna find me some diesel damsel in distress….”
Ain’t had a clean shirt since the Castle of Glass,
and if I had one right now, I could wipe my own…
….Windshield.

Yeah, I ain’t seen my homeland in three thousand years,
That’s one for each tooth on these sixteen gears…
Got my neon Dana up on the dash board,
My girlfriend waits tables and washes the Ford.

Well, I’m drivin’, I’m drivin, that Elven Express,
Three beds of Fianna, that’s my home address:
A dotted white line, that’s my highway path:
got the gas and the time, but I can’t do the math…

Yeah, the wheels are still rolling, the tanks I did fill,
Got a chrome Awen screwed to the top of my grille,
And if that ain’t enough to keep me on the road,
got a jug of cold coffee, and a face full of woad…

It’s a long lonsesome road, down to old Texarkadia,
Got a song for my lady, on this here old radia
Gonna buy us a house, and a big shiny car,
And we’ll both come no more, into old Ballynar.

The Real Elf Shady

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(With Apologies to Eminem and blame to Rialian. Don’t kill me Kyrin!)

May I have your mead cup please?
May I have your mead cup please?
Will the real Elf Shady please get drunk
I repeat, will the Real Elf Shady please get drunk?
I think we’re gonna have some entertainment here…

Ya’ll act like you ain’t never seen a toxic elf before
Laughing all on the floor like Cel, Like Esh just ran through the woods,
chasing each each like every year before, shakin ass on the way to the showers
It’s the return of the.. “Dude, wait, gimme more..”

He just drank what I think he did, did he?
Then Rialian said abandon all H.O.P.E
Rialian’s pet cliche, almost printed on cards
Elven women love the toxic one
“Toxic elf, I worship him, look at him, walking around
talking about who knows what, drinking who knows what,
cursing at gods know who…”
“Yeah, but he’s so loud though”
Yeah well, he the first thing you hear in the morning
And the probably the last thing you hear at night
Sometimes, he’s all you can hear in the camp,
Sitting by the fire with a fork of doom
“Did I get that drunk, did I get that drunk”

And if we’re lucky, we’ll get to see it again
And there’s a message behind all this scarasim
But we just aint’ figured out quite what it is

So of course we laugh it up and drink by the fire
by the time midnight rolls around
we’re all gonna be staggering about
“We ain’t nothing but elves and others” well, one if us is
Louder and harder than all the rest
But he’s one of us so we put up with him and tehre’s no reason for him not to leave when
We all sometimes feel like he feels
Everyone grab your cup, sing the chorus and it goes

(Chorus, x2)
I’m Elf Shady, yes the real Shady
All you other Elf Shadys are just imitating
So won’t the Real Elf Shady please get drunk, please get drunk, please get drunk.

The Very Model of an Elven Individual

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MIAREN:
I am the very model of an Elven Individual,
I’ve information memorable, magical, and mythical,
I know the kings of Faerie, and I quote the tales bardic-wise
Of Thomas Rhymer, Taliesin, Tam Lin and some otherwise;
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters of Awakening,
I understand Rememb’rings, both the quiet and the quakening,
On matters of linguistics I am teeming with a lot o’ news,
With many cheerful facts about what spelling of “des’tai” to use.

ALL:
With many cheerful facts about what spelling of “des’tai” to use..
With many cheerful facts about what spelling of “deshtai” to use.
With many cheerful facts about what spelling of “desh’tai” to use.

MIAREN:
I’m very good at keeping track of lifetimes that are serial;
I know the True Forms and the names of beings nigh ethereal:
In short, in matters memorable, magical, and mythical,
I am the very model of an Elven Individual.

ALL:
In short, in matters memorable, magical, and mythical,
She is the very model of an Elven Individual.

MIAREN:
I know our mythic histories, the true ones and the fictional
And even on occasion write a new one that’s original
I filk in constant counterpoint the doings of Rialian,
At times this has necessitated large amounts of Valium

I can tell undoubted elven-types from satyrs and from angelforms,
I know the common hideaways of fairy folk and unicorns.
Then I can draw an elven star inscribed inside a heptagon,
And improvise from tales in that dreaded Mabinogion.

ALL:
And improvise from tales in that dreaded Mabinogion.
And improvise from tales in that dreaded Mabinogion.
And improvise from tales in that dreaded Mabinogion.

MIAREN:
Then I can write a courtly speech in “Elenari politic,”
And tell you ev’ry detail of the Gate creators’ travel ships:
In short, in matters memorable, magical, and mythical,
I am the very model of an Elven Individual.

ALL:
In short, in matters memorable, magical, and mythical,
She is the very model of an Elven Individual.

MIAREN:
In fact, when I can trace in full Tuatha geneaology,
When I can theorize about draconical biology,
When such affairs as Alardans and Gathers I will travel to,
And when I know precisely what the politics unravel to,
When I have learnt what languages the Elenari babble in,
When I know more of Camelot than Guenivere’s best chatelaine–
In short, when I’ve a smattering of nigh to useless trivia,
You’ll see an Elven Individual who’s just been ribbin’ ya.

ALL:
You’ll see an Elven Individual who’s just been ribbin’ ya.
You’ll see an Elven Individual who’s just been ribbin’ ya.
You’ll see an Elven Individual who’s just been ribbin’ ya.

MIAREN:
For my otherworldly knowledge, though I’ve hardly scratched its minimum,
Is only manifesting at the start of the milennium;
But still, in matters memorable, magical, and mythical,
I am the very model of an Elven Individual.

ALL:
But still, in matters memorable, magical, and mythical,
She is the very model of an Elven Individual.

Based on “I am the very model of a modern Major-General” from “The Pirates of Penzance” by Gilbert and Sullivan.

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Hotel Four Quarters

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On a dark forest back road, have I travelled too far?
Cool brushes of fog-wisps curling in ’round my car
In the glow of my headlights I saw the shape of a cow
I saw a signboard with the elven star
I’d made it here (Don’t know how!)

There he stood in the clearing
We put the truck in park
And let me tell you there ain’t nothin’ like setting camp up in the dark
Then we turned on a tap-light and we set up our tent
There was music in the starry night
This is how it went

Welcome to the Elf Camp at Four Quarters
Such a lovely site (Such a lovely site) Such a lovely night
Plenty of ‘Kin at the Elf Camp at Four Quarters
‘Bout this time of year (‘Bout this time of year) You can find it here

The humor’s really quite twisted – Ri’s puns give me the bends (ugh!)
But we got a lot of pretty fae, elves and friends
How they sing by the fire Cool summer night
Some songs aren’t remembered – But hey, that’s all right

So I called up Rialian “Please bring me some mead”
He said “Benny brought a couple kegs – would you rather dry or sweet?”
And then the Toxic Elf bellows from far away
Wake you up ‘fore the crack of dawn – just turns out that way

Welcome to the Elf Camp at Four Quarters
Such a lovely site (Such a lovely site) Such a lovely night
They livin it up at the Elf Camp at Four Quarters
Till it rains again (Till it rains again) They be partyin…..

Candles on the altar The mugwort tea’s too hot
So we said –
“Let us take it back down the hill. Some will want it some will not”
And at the fire circle
We gathered to take leave
One thing that we all must share – as a Kin group – we believe!

Last thing I remember, I was heading for the car
I dreaded going back to town ’cause it always seems so far
“Relax,” said Rialian, “We aren’t really far away
I’ve got a list on EGroups now – just a few score posts a day”

Human on the Outside

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I might look the same, but I’m not quite like you
I’m at least a little fey; can you see right through?
I’m still made of flesh, I’m still made of bone
But I’ve had you fooled enough to leave me alone

Human plus more (and perhaps more than one)
I might confess it, but please don’t make fun
I’ll explain at least some

There’s elf in these veins and my wings cause me pain
I’m only human on the outside
And though looks may deceive, make it hard to believe
I’m only human on the outside

On the outside

Should I just come through, should I just come clean
Show you something you might never have seen?
Or would that be extreme? Would it go too far?
Would it break your brain or would it break your heart?
Yeah your brain or heart…

It’s not something I choose; I assure you it’s true
I’m only human on the outside
And though looks may deceive, make it hard to believe
I’m only human on the outside
Well, it gave me a turn the day that I learned
I’m only human on the outside
A seeming, that’s all; baby, under it all
I’m only human on the outside

On the outside

Yes, I’m Otherkin, hon…

No, I’m not insane, there’s just fae in my veins
I’m only human on the outside
And though looks may deceive, make it hard to believe
I’m only human on the outside
I’m a dragon, you see, that’s the full, real me;
I’m only human on the outside
A seeming, that’s all; baby under it all
I’m only human on the outside

On the outside
On the outside…

King of Pain

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There’s a little black sword in my hand today
It’s the same old thing as yesterday
There’s a pair of trav’lers bound for Tanelorn
The Eternal Champion’s again reborn

I have stood here before outside Melniboné
With the worlds in convergence running ’round my brain
I guess I’m always hoping I can end this reign
But it’s my destiny to be the king of pain

There’s a little black sword in my hand today
(Souls for Arioch)
It’s the same old thing as yesterday
(Souls for Arioch)
There’s a pair of trav’lers bound for Tanelorn
(Souls for Arioch)
The Eternal Champion’s again reborn
(Souls for Arioch)

I have stood here before outside Melniboné
With the worlds in convergence running ’round my brain
I guess I’m always hoping I can end this reign
But it’s my destiny to be the king of pain

There’s a blind man sailing on the Sea of Fate
(Souls for Arioch)
There’s my lover sleeping but she cannot wake
(Souls for Arioch)
There’s a dragon sleeping in a far-off cave
(Souls for Arioch)
There’s a Chaos storm rising like a wave
(Souls for Arioch)

I have stood here before outside Melniboné
With the worlds in convergence running ’round my brain
I guess I’m always hoping I can end this reign
But it’s my destiny to be the king of pain

There’s a bone-white king with his eyes of flame
There’s an old soul trying to forget his name
There’s a young prince fighting with a silver hand
There’s another one carrying a rune’d staff

King of pain

There’s a white wolf tearing at a huntsman’s pack
(Souls for Arioch)
There’s a Dragon Prince who’s riding to attack
(Souls for Arioch)
There’s a little black sword in my heart today
It’s the same old thing as yesterday

I have stood here before on the dissolving plane
With the worlds in convergence running ’round my brain I
guess I always hoped that I could end this reign
But it’s my destiny to go around again……

King of pain
King of pain
King of pain
I’ll always be
king of pain

Lothlorien

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(from “Under the Sun” by Sugar Ray)

“Now this is somethin’ from back in the day
I’ll always remember the mallorn tree
And all of the wisdom
That we brought from the sea
Beauty of Lothlorien
Living amongst my hand
Maybe I’m dreaming
Can you tell me

Chorus
Do you remember
The living that lasted so long
Elven haven
where we learned to sing all the songs
Do you remember
All of us together
As we grew in Lothlorien

I’ll always remember everything we’d do
But it was all good when I’m with my crew
I remember Elbereth
The Stars, and Gilthoniel
Seems kind of funny on Earth
But it’s taking me back
We’d always sing a song
It was great just to be elves
Don’t want to stop dreaming
Can you tell me

Chorus

I want to rewind every time
‘Cause my Hand had so much meaning
They were there when nobody cared
Always knew what I was feeling
Come to me, don’t leave me reminiscing
All I do is wind up missing you
Are you missing me?
Are you missing me?
Na na na na na

Do you remember the living that lasted so long
Back in the day, back back in the day
Do you remember all of us together

As we grew in Lothlorien?”

One Night in DC

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I am going to have to blame Miaren for this one…
(original lyrics)

Mongolian! Oriental setting
And the staff don’t know what the guests are eating
The strange and the weird of the other world at a
meal with everything but ol’ Rialian.

Time fades – doesn’t seem a minute
Since the hotel spa had the goth bois in it
All change – these cards are not what you
Play, though this game’s at an ordinary venue

It’s New York, or Four Quarters, or Canada, or, or this place!

One night in DC and the world’s got stranger
The staff are human but the cards ain’t free.
You’ll find a space at any open table
And if you’re lucky then the god’s a sidhe
I can feel an angel sliding up to me.

One world’s very like another
When your seeming falls at an elven gather **

It’s a troll, it’s an orc, it’s really not that pretty
Don’t be looking at the fae, if you come from the city.

Whaddya mean? You seen one pointy-eared,
fluffy, toadstool eating…

Mead, food, wine, fire
Some are ready for the next forest meet.

Watch that! You’re looking for more’n this?
Now every move should be the surest
I meet my fae above the beltline, starshine.

One night in DC makes a dark elf grumble
Not much between fear and history
One night in DC and the winged ones stumble
Can’t be too careful with your company.
I can feel a devil sitting next to me

No one’s gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of celestial fitness
This cuts me deeper than a
Shoddy old blade or silent mother.

Ignoring God who’s only watching the game
Following it.

I don’t see you guys seeking
The kind of mate I’m contemplating
I’d let you watch, I would invite you
But the fae we use might just bite you

So you better go back to your meals, your
homes, your peaceful nights…

One night in DC and the world’s got stranger
The staff are human but the cards ain’t free.
You’ll find a space at any open table
A little look a little fantasy
I can feel an angel sliding up to me.

One night in DC makes a dark elf grumble
Not much between their ears but fantasy
One night in DC and the winged ones stumble
Can’t be too careful with your company.
I can feel a devil standing next to me

** or the uncensored version:
One elf’s very like another
When your heads down over their piece, oh brother!

for which I disclaim all responsibility.

One Night in Kitchener

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Kitchener, Canadian setting
Where the city don’t know what the city is getting
The creme de la creme of the fae world in a
Show with everything but David Bowie

Kitchener, just another stop in
The Kin gather circuit – changelings drop in
Dance, workshops, check out and then you
Move on to another venue

Like Texas – or to Artemis – or DC – or – or this place

One night in Kitchener and there’s Kin invading
I counted nine inside an SUV
You’ll find a god in every doorway’s shading
And if you’re lucky then the god’s a Sidhe
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

One world’s very like another
When you just met a guy who claims he’s your brother

It’s a drag, it’s a bore, it’s really such a pity
To be stuck in Viking A, not looking at the city

Whaddya mean? Ya seen one goth-filled,
abandoned, suburban town, ya seen ’em all

Food, drinks, chips, sweets
Some are set up in the upper floor Con Suite

Yeah, right! You’re talking to a tourist
Whose every thought’s among the purest

I get my kicks outside the timeline, sunshine

One night in Kitchener makes the new Kin humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Kitchener and the paradigms crumble
Can’t be too careful with your company
I can feel a satyr walking next to me

Kitchener’s gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of reality’s fitness
This warps me more than cluing
Into Heisenberg shields or Reiki attuning

I don’t see mundanes rating
The twists of fate I’ve been awaiting
I’d let you watch, I would invite you
But the fairies here would not excite you

So you better go back to your pool, your
hot-tub, your massage table

One night in Kitchener and there’s Kin invading
I counted nine inside an SUV
You’ll find a god in every doorway’s shading
Another chapter in my history
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

One night in Kitchener makes the new Kin humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Kitchener and the paradigms crumble
Can’t be too careful with your company
I can feel a satyr walking next to me

(original lyrics)

Portal to Try

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(from Ticket to Ride by the Beatles)

I think I’m gonna be sad
I think it’s today, yeah
The elves are making me mad
They’re going away

Sidhe have a portal to try
Sidhe have a portal to try
Sidhe have a portal to try
And Sidhe don’t care

Sidhe say that living on Earth is bringing them down
They would never be free while still on this ground

Sidhe have a portal to try
Sidhe have a portal to try
Sidhe have a portal to try
And Sidhe don’t care

I don’t know when they’re going to try;
They oughtta think twice and get a portal for me!
Before they get to saying goodbye
They oughtta think twice they oughtta do right by me!

I think I’m gonna be sad
I think it’s today, yeah
The elves are making me mad
They’re going away!

Ah!
Sidhe have a portal to try
Sidhe have a portal to try
Sidhe have a portal to try
And Sidhe don’t care

I don’t know when they’re going to try;
They oughtta think twice and get a portal for me!
Before they get to saying goodbye
They oughtta think twice they oughtta do right by me!

Sidhe say that living on Earth is bringing them down
They would never be free while still on this ground

Ah!
Sidhe have a portal to try
Sidhe have a portal to try
Sidhe have a portal to try
And Sidhe don’t care
My brethren don’t care
My brethren don’t care
My brethren don’t care
My brethren don’t care
My brethren don’t care

Who’ll Stop the Rain

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(with apologies to J.C. Fogerty)

Ever since we got
here The rain been comin’ down.
All the tents are standin’ In puddles on the ground.
Camping at Four quarters, Threshholds number three;
And I wonder,
Still I wonder, Who’ll stop the rain.

Squirrel got his umbrella, Seekin’
shelter from the storm.
Hiding out at Crisses, I watched the fire burn.
Puddles to my ankles, Mud up to my knees.
And I wonder, Still I wonder
Who’ll stop the rain.

We went up to circle, Reiki had been rained out twice.
Worked the flows for balance, (Tho dry socks would be nice). Came
back to the fire, Down it came again.
And I wonder, Still I wonder Who’ll
stop the rain.

Chant

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Catch a shadow by the wall
Don’t look down or else you’ll fall
What certain Sons did cruelly rend
With pattern, blood, and song we’ll mend
Dressed in thistle, crowned with bay
Slipping in behind the day
Painted, plaited, flower-strewn,
Beat the bodhran fierce in tune
Come alone or come together
Best the song in worst of weather
Writhing, twisting, turning, sliding,
Always here our time abiding
’til their minds are quite besotten
Mother’s warnings all forgotten
Hands tight clasped we’ll all round turn
And set the fire quick to burn
Cast your lot and lay your bet
Weave the steps into a net
Leave the Gate thrown wide open
And lure the weary traveler in
Never tire, reaching higher, sing the fire, fire higher!
Never tire, reaching higher, sing the fire, fire higher!
Never tire, reaching higher, sing the fire, fire higher!
Never tire, reaching higher, sing the fire, fire higher!

The Tree

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Once upon a time, when the Earth was still young, there lived a Forest of Trees. They were beautiful, these Trees. They were fed the crystal-clear waters of the River who in turn feeds her daughter-rivers. In the morning, they raised their heads, their branches to the life-giving sun. In the night, they swayed their branches under the mother moon and the tracery of the Stars, dancing and singing with the wind.

The Trees stood, grew and died around a Main Tree, the Mother Tree. They grew around her in concentric circles and she stood proud on the Mountain. Her branches stretched right into the sky, magnificent and so strong.

In the midst of the sister Trees grew a young Tree. She was relatively younger than her sisters, though she had witnessed the changes in the sky, the falling Stars, and felt the Earth tremble as the Cosmic Battle boomed around the Forest. She was fortunate, this young Tree. She luxuriated in the warmth of the Forest, well protected within the confines of her sisters’ circle.

Then, one day, one of the sister Trees grew ill. Her bark grew pale. Her leaves, once succulent with Life, became brittle and she began to shed. Sap refused to flow through her veins anymore. As the sister Trees watched in their timeless serenity and abstract horror, the ailing Tree gave a last leaf-rustle and gave her Life back to the Earth, to the Mother Tree.

There was mourning. The Forest was alive in that everything, every plant and every animal, was connected, like the intricate patterns of the spider-web. But there was also rejoicing in that the sister Tree who had just passed away would now share with the rest of Earth.

The colored ones came. Red, brown, black, yellow and white ones, standing tall like their cousin Trees, came and paid respect to the once-Living Tree. Reverently, quietly and whispering soft words of thanks, they removed the bark and the branches.

The young Tree watched as the colored ones took away her dead sister. When they were gone and the Forest had gone quiet once more, she plucked up courage and asked the Tree closest to her. This Tree was older and wiser, a gentle spirit with laughter in her branches.

“What will they do with her body?” The young Tree asked, her leaves rustling softly with curiosity.

The older sister Tree chuckled, her branches creaking once in the wind. “They will make things out of her body. Things to sit on. Things to play with. Even, things to be consumed.”

The young Tree grew intrigued then. “But where does her soul go to?”

For a moment, the older Tree didn’t answer and the young sister was embarrassed for asking such a forward question. She drew her leaves around herself and felt an urge to sink into the Earth. Then, the older Tree stirred and replied. “Her soul, my young sister, will go wherever it will. Remember, little sister, that her soul is in her body, in her branches, in her leaves. Whoever uses the things made of her will carry a bit of her. Whoever consumes the things made of her will also carry a bit of her.”

The young Tree listened to the answer. “So when I die, I will branch out in the four winds?”

A soft laughter of the leaves. “Yes, my young sister, you will branch out. Even after sap-death, you continue to grow.”

The young Tree brushed her leaves against her older sister in gratitude and took in the words, consuming them and letting the juices flow within her sap.

As Time went, the Forest grew bigger or smaller, according to the changes. The Mother Tree simply gave forth more sister Trees. The young Tree matured, flowered, gave forth fruit and matured even more. Around her and her sisters, the forest folk lived and hunted and danced. At times, the sister Trees would watch the Fires being lit in honor of the Sun finishing His Round. There would be singing and dancing; the Trees loved it and sheltered the forest folk as they circled the Fires.

Then, in Time, the young Tree grew old and was struck with a sickness. She felt her sap becoming sluggish, slow and painful in her veins. She felt her branches stiffen. She couldn’t dance anymore. She couldn’t sing anymore. For a moment, she was afraid and she didn’t want to give her Life back to Earth.

As her Life dwindled, she looked up into the night sky and saw the Trails of the Stars. She wept for a while and the owls sang with her. She watched and watched.

She Remembered.

The next day, the forest folk wailed with sadness. The Tree had passed on. The sister Trees around her wept and mourned.

As usual, the colored ones came, the forest folk came. They partook of the Tree’s body and her soul lived on.

The forest folk consumed her fruits and a part of her nestled in a young girl’s body. The colored ones made use of the things created from her bark and she rested in the bosom of a man, in the life-blood of a woman and in the homes of various others. The animals partook of her body too. A wolf ate a bit of the fruit and a bit of her soul ran together with the hunting pack. A dragon carried a part of her as it flew above the Forest.

Her soul lived on and the Forest lived on too…in our lives.