#2 - Speechifying
i am thinking. so i suppose i will ramble. warning for dark themes? i speak to myself about illness and the struggles of the undead
my experience with the alterhuman community mostly has begun and ended with the 2021-2022 kinning ... fad? and unfortunately most of the friends i had at the time look back on it negatively. many of them mock it.
the friends i have currently mostly still kin for fun or to simply explore a light facet of themselves. so i have kept quiet. i do know one friend i struggle to understand if i am close to or not is a vampire. he has also mentioned being a therian offhandedly. but i am too shy to inquire further.
i am a very socially dependent person. extrovert with personality defects. so exploring kinning on a deeper level has both been confusing and embarrassing, so i havent done it much. my friends just acknowledge that i am pharma and we dont address it.
however, recently, i have believed myself to have died at the start of this year. i look sick. dead. i am always cold. i have lost weight yet, i am always hungry. i am losing organ function. it is almost euphoric. i died before, i have died again.
one thing that is hard about being a corpse, is believing you need injuries. i feel almost like a liar, a fraud when i dont have a scabbed up wound. the worst is when you desire infections. i will not injure myself any time soon, as i find that silly, but it is frustrating when you know you should be rotting and you are not. cant this organic body at least decompose correctly? i find it difficult to find resources made by fellow zombies. we seem to be few and far between outside of the cotard community, which i will not intrude on.
anyway, i am glad to finally venture out after years of observing on the sidelines. i know i am brand new, but everyone has been lovely so far ♥
8 comments
I am glad that your experience of opening up here has been so positive! It's a feeling that is hard to describe; to open up and be seen and accepted, maybe even understood.
As someone who has worked in a morgue & funeral center, I can maybe reassure you that you don't need visible injuries to be valid in your identity of being dead or undead. I have seen corpses that looked like they were alive, simply sleeping yet were not any less dead. Not everything can be seen from the outside, you don't have to feel like a fraud. Although of course I do sympathize with your feelings and don't think they aren't valid or can feel debilitating. Accepting yourself as you are is easier said than done.
thank you. i'm glad to know my fear of rejection was unfounded
that is a bit of a comfort. i've always felt a need to decompose, as if to prove i am what i know i am. sort of like when you tell your mother you're too sick to go to school and she doesn't believe you until you've vomited. but perhaps i'm just very well preserved, haha :). it's very cool to hear that you've worked in a morgue. did you enjoy it?
thank you for your kindness, once again.
I like that analogy! A feeling I know all too well, to ask my mother to stay home sick but the fear of not being believed. I can see how it applies here.
And yeah I did enjoy it, it was an experience that really changed my perspective on life and death and I wouldn't have wanted to miss the opportunity. I chose to pursue a biology study instead though. As I was being sent out on body retrievals that I found too uncomfortable to witness, and I didn't want to risk my mental health if I still had a lot of other options that bring me more joy.
i'm glad it's something you look back on fondly, even if it ended up not being the best fit for you. it's good that you found something that makes you happier :)
I'm not sure if it helps, but from a fae perspective all human bodies are constantly decomposing. Just somewhat slowly, at least relative to the ones already dead. Horrifyingly fast for those of us sharing them.
i didn't consider that. i can absolutely understand the discomfort in a sped up aging rate, it must be difficult when you're so aware of it, as a fae.
i've sort of come to accept it as part of this particular form, perhaps look forward to it. for obvious reasons.
thank you for your insight.
You don't have to prove your identity through bodily harm, and nobody here is going to ridicule you for describing this experience. But because you're describing actually believing that you've died in this life and that your organs are failing/decomposing, please consider talking to a qualified professional about what you're experiencing. There is a medical condition I'm aware of that can exhibit these symptoms, and it may be worth ruling it out rather than concluding they are an aspect of nonhuman identity. Nonhuman identity does not typically come with physical symptoms like weight loss, constant hunger, feeling cold, etc.
i don't fully believe these 'symptoms'are directly caused by my identity, but i suppose it's a way of feeling affirmed; especially after considering being undead for so long. i know that it is probably a separate issue i simply don't wish to acknowledge. it feels easier to say "I am dead, and this is happening because I am dead." . and the fact that i don't enjoy this body as it is.
however, i see your point, and have been fencesitting talking to a licensed doctor for a while. i hesitate, lol. i know that partially, if i take care of my current body better, i could probably solve some of these issues. i suppose part of it is not wanting to, as i see it as part of my identity. but perhaps i am jumping the gun. maybe the two can and should be separate. it is difficult because i feel as if, if i am not dead now, will i ever be? sorry, i'm sure i sound silly.
i appreciate the advice. i have a habit of not taking a step back, despite believing myself rational. thank you, I'll have to think about this.
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