Awakenings

One of my earliest memories was in kindergarten when I would hoard all the horse toys because “they’re my family” and I would look at them and realize that I was supposed to have a body like that. When I was old enough to communicate through words I would beg my parents to be around horses, even though my family was terrified of them. Then when I was old enough to spend my free time on my own, I would spend it all around the stables and horses, my own kind. These are some key moments but my whole days are filled with moments where I realize that I communicate in a horse-way, I would have constant dreams and memories. There really isn’t a way for me to go around it. And I knew it my whole life.

For other parts of my identity, it was either similar but less intense.

Mostly due to numerous medical issues growing up, and feeling like my body simply wasn't designed to be human. I was often overwhelmed by sensory issues as a whole and had trouble communicating with others. I'd say my alterhumanity is coupled with my neurodivergency / late-diagnosed autism. 

I relate to this a lot, like I wasn't 'built correctly' as a human down to the biological level, didn't even feel hunger until adulthood. It definitely relates to my autism as well, but there's still a lot left unanswered even with the diagnosis. 

The last part is very true. Even after getting diagnosed I still have a whole list of symptoms I need to figure out. I am my own living experiment 

For me, I always had a lack of connection with my peers, and an inability to communicate with them correctly no matter how hard I tried. This inevitably led to the conclusion that I was not of the same species as them. I struggled to empathise with humans, and whenever I’d engage with media I had a deep pull to characters who weren’t of the same planet as the rest of the cast. It was only in more recent years, when I was introduced to Star Trek that I was able to identify my specific species.

On being a horse, when I look back in retrospect there have always been signs. I’m flighty, and easily spooked, and I always long to just be outside. I do feel phantom ears and a tail, I think perhaps I always have, even if I didn’t have any of the terms for it at the time. 

Being treated like an outcast, I think. I felt like they were scared to interact with me, like I was some misshapen version of a human. Paired with my intense phantom sensations, seeing myself as a gillman was... very easy. 

I also am a gillman because of my personal fiction, which has influences a LOT of my experiences. 

I think it was very prominent in elementary school for me. I would constantly act like an animal any moment I got, and I would prefer interacting with my pets at home than my own family (for a myriad of reasons.) I also found myself drawn to the furry community, which was a huge indicator for me intially because I wanted to be whatever sona I made at the time was. It's a pretty noticeable overlap between therianthropy and the furry community, and I believe it aided in my personal identity. Although I am still discovering more about myself, I think identifying with the furry community helped way more than I realized.