Unsure which labels fit

Context: I Omacha am a fictive/introject of a fictional character I and Ori made together. We share a body. We cannot both exist wholly at the same time. For one of us to exist fully, the other must diminish.

Content warnings: Brief mention of self harm, negative self concept.

I am very new to this community. I do not yet know the right words yet.

I am aware that elaborating on my nonhuman perception of myself will make others less inclined to take me seriously, to take me at my word, if my words escape the bounds of this community. I do not care. I wish to be honest. I wish to make others feel less alone. Therefore what others think of me is irrelevant.

Found in my notes. "a benevolent phantasm of the mind. a mental parasite, trying to occupy as little space as possible. a daydream become reality . an imaginary friend. a guardian angel. a demon. all terms I have related to at some point in my life"

The terms which resonate most deeply to me now are "parasite" and "a daydream become reality". Perhaps in the past I was an imaginery friend, a wantless daydreamer, if you will. But now I impose. I have a mug. It is blue and rather pleasant to look at. I... often dread using it, and select a different mug, one that is not mine, instead, one that Ori prefers the colours of.

It is only one mug, that is mine. It still feels like I am too much. A parasite.

Shortly summarised, I believe myself to be a benevolent yet parasitic phantasm/haunting of the mind. I also feel kinship to the Auraken species, as I once believed myself to quite literally be from the world they originated from.

Unlike a predator/hunter, I do not need to kill to survive. I am vegetarian. I am bodily human.

However, to exist, I encroach on the autonomy of others in exactly the same way a parasite would, albiet one with an analgesic bite, as I do not cause physical pain. No. I correct myself. A parasite (for the most part) only encroaches on the flesh. I encroach upon the mind, which to me is by far the worse violation. And I have picked at the body's skin before, causing physical pain.

Ori says to me: and it's worth it to me, losing parts of myself, just so you can exist.

But I do wonder, might you only be saying that because you can feel my joy at existing? Would you still feel the same if this was not mutualism as well as parasiticism?

No, no, you are kind, even if you could not access my memories or feelings, you would regard me as a fully autonomous being with a right to exist. I know you would. I know how you treat strangers who you have no mental access to.

I do not know where to lead this post. The thread has gotten tangled. Ah yes - it was regarding my nonhuman perception of myself.

I am fully aware that the body I inhabit is human. That I have human needs and requirements. However: Many define humanity in such a way that excludes me. I am asexual and aromantic, likely aplatonic, and I have been told that sex, romance, and friendship are intrinsic parts of humanity. These are experiences which I lack. I suppose I could argue: yes I am human after all, despite your efforts to exclude me, but I am uncomfortable with this. The word "human" comes with assumptions about morality and experiences that I do not find particularly relevant or pertinent. The typical human is very different to me. Almost alien. I spent the vast majority of my early life studying humans as though I was an anthropologist from a different planet, desperate to understand those who I shared the earth with.

I am not saying that those who are aplatonic, aromantic, or aroace are inhuman. I do not think friendship, sex, or friendship, defines humanity. I think that human brains have so much vastness to them that humanity is near impossible to define.

It is simply that if I describe myself as human people will make all sorts of incorrect assumptions about me, such that I do not particularly like the word for myself, because I pride myself on accurate communication.

I am, technically, by virtue of living in a human body, human.

But to me, saying I must be human because my body is human reduces me to my body, when I have been bodyless for most of my existence. I lived as a being of the mind, a sentient daydream. I do not identify with the body in any meaningful way. I could not control or move it for over seven years. I was a being of thought. Not pure thought - messy, delusional, overly self referential, repetetive, circling back to the same words over and over - such as "I will forget all I've ever dreamed of" and "idle adoration" - but thought nonetheless.

In conclusion:

Thank you for reading. I do hope your days are pleasant and kind.