Signs

Looking back, were there signs of your identity that you recognize now but overlooked at the time?

Yes. When I first "walked in" to this body, I...wasn't a "clean slate" by any stretch, but there also was a lot about myself I did not have the luxury to sit down and actually explore up until now. The biggest example of this was the therianthropy aspects of myself; this in large part due to the fact that I didn't have much access to, or experience with, wildlife and wildness.

Bears and bear symbolism followed me in the form of various aspects of synchronicity, for what seems to be multiple lifetimes. Even the tiny handful of fictional associations seem to mirror this. I have often been called "berserk" by those around me. Even loved ones. That is a source of shame. The only way around that was to learn how to interact with others and the world better. After 20 years here, I think I'm now getting the hang of it. Having a healthier life matters, so does sharing neurochemistry with someone who's brain isn't completely fried like mine was. 

I often don't feel like a mammal, but there are certain times where I do, and when that happens, the idea of being an ape is still very bizarre. But it's bizarre in a different kind of way. I still feel like an artificial thing, but one where I lack the program for "human". The concept of being an ape is consistently bizarre to me. It's perhaps why I'm so fascinated by primate science, why it has been a consistent special interest to me for what feels like lifetimes. 

It's the realization that I do experience shifts. I don't often feel like a mammal, but when I do, it's some ursine thing. My default seems to be some non-mammal, non-human thing. Or at least, what I perceive my default state to be. I'm navigating what it is to *be*. Perhaps that is why I'm writing more on here to begin with.