Scoliosis and Alterhumanity
I got diagnosed around 14, and while it my scoliosis is not debilitating, the locker rooms in school reminded me that my skeletal structure was vastly different from the average human. This caused a great rift of dissociation between my mind and body, as if an impossibly thick cloud of fog formed between them.
On top of being socially alienated (literally) from humans, I was bodily a stranger to my own DNA. I was drawn to the Voidpunk community at first, before exploring my identity with non-human creatures. The Voidpunk subculture allowed me to safety explore these feelings of rejecting my body.
The symbolism of the xenomorph reflects my own history with intense body dysmorphia and fear of the unknown (not to mention the body horror that comes with being alive). Hence why my xenomorph identity began as a copinglink. As I've taken more time for introspection, beginning the healing process, it's evolved into a much deeper identity.
I'm quite lucky I don't feel much pain (at least pain that isn't unbearable), but it's a fact about myself that I'm still learning to make peace with, and a decent portion of why I am alterhuman.
6 comments
I love love love hearing about other xenomorph's experiences. The connection to the body, that wild feeling about their anatomy is.... really something else. I find a lot of power (physically and emotionally) in xenomorphs, it's really awesome to hear that you feel similarly!
Yes! There are so many layers to Xenomorphs, it's really incredible... I hope to meet more online
I also have to live this life with chronic illness so I really resonate with your experience! For me it mostly amplified my feeling of dislike for the human experience. As a teen I would feel suck on the feeling that it was unfair that I not only had to be in a human but also be in a body that would not work.
When it comes to understanding my own nonhuman feelings I sometimes have a thought loop of "the chicken or the egg". "Did I start to feel alienated because I am a horse in a human body or do I feel like a horse in a human body because I am alienated?" From my understanding you experience your Xenomorph identity as a result of your experiences in life, but do you ever wonder if you had those experiences because you were a Xenomorph from the start? I know you mentioned your identity being a mix of psychological origin and what I am getting at is widely considered as spiritual, so I am not trying to misunderstand or sway you but I am just interested in your view, if you want to share it!
See, it's funny because my first memory I ever had in this body is eerily similar to a chestburster (blackness, then tearing apart the layer of blackness to reveal blinding white, "bursting out of the womb"), so perhaps I was always a Xenomorph in a too-small human body. But I have no past memories of actually being a Xenomorph :p
That is really interesting! When I first came to understand my horse identity I felt sure that I didn't have a past life as one but rather that I was born in the wrong body. I thought "on the moment this human body was born, there was also a foal born that was supposed to be my body". I used to call it soul-misplacement. I don't think it's necessarily have to be tied to past lives to still feel like you were a Xenomorph from the start. Again, I am not trying to explain your identity to yourself, you are the only one who knows what you are experiencing, I am just theorizing the options (´◡`).
Hmm... an interesting theory! Something to think about for sure
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