I Need Help Figuring Out What I Am.

Hi, as you can see, I’m very new to this forum and the otherkin/alterhuman community. I mostly came here due to the need to figure out what exactly is up with me internally. I’m hoping to be met with an open mind, knowing I didn’t come here in bad faith. So, here’s some info about me.

  • I’m not otherkin, or at the very least, don’t consider myself one.
  • I feel very strong species dysphoria despite the previous point.
  • I figured this might mean I’m some form of alterhuman, but I’m not sure.

How I experience my dysphoria will be detailed below. If anyone more familiar with the topic has a similar experience, please inform me.

I always felt a severe disconnect with humanity for as long as I remember, and while I don’t necessarily feel like humans are the worst species ever, I feel immense bodily discomfort at being reminded of my humanity. This bleeds through all aspects of my life: physical, social, emotional, mental, spiritual, gender, and sexuality.

Physically, I don’t find my body repulsive and even like how I look. Physical dysphoria however comes from my inability to shapeshift or turn invisible. It’s like I want to express and move around in ways that clothes or vehicles wouldn’t satisfy, and this causes immense distress. The inability to blend in with surroundings, shrink, or disappear raises my anxiety when a perceived threat is around. I never felt envy for humans, but I wish I had some traits octopuses have as far as disguises and signaling go. I like having a small human body, because it makes it easy to fit in smaller spaces, but the way some animals can squeeze through the tiniest gaps is still enviable. Despite this, I don’t feel particularly kin towards animals.

Socially, I’m interactive, but forming attachments to humans proved to be incredibly difficult. I found myself only capable of being attached to animals, nonhumans, or those perceived to be nonhuman. The exception to this is my mom. She’s the only human perceived as human whose welfare can make or break my day. I act friendly towards others (at least I was told), but I frankly feel hostile towards most people. It’s not in the sense of enmity. They just look appetizing…a part I usually try to ignore, but I put here for the sake of easier evaluation.

Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I have difficulties grasping the emotions considered to be human. I have an easier time interpreting base emotions found in most animals such as anger, fear, and contentment. I don’t understand joy. I only vaguely understand love. Jealousy is incredibly hard to understand. Complex emotions make me panic, especially when others feel them, because I don’t know what to do when they ask me for consolation. I could give advice, but I can only hope that people don’t notice how deadpan I look. I consider myself spiritual and religious, but I have little to no interest in community. I vaguely view myself as a pet to the Gods whose only purpose in the world is to enact their will. I wasn’t taught to be this way. This perspective is simply what comforts me.

Gender and sexuality is probably the biggest telltale for some people. They might not be. What I can say at least is that both aspects of myself are incredibly dehumanized by society. I’m a-spec. Agender, demiromantic, gray-bisexual. Oddly enough, the only reason why I’m aroace spectrum is because my options in mates is fairly limited. For one, I find most humans repulsive. Two, animals are not an option for consent issues. Three, I don’t feel aroace spec at all when I consume media where sapient nonhumans exist.

When I ovulate, I feel like seeking out the most virile and wild sire with sufficient intellect. I want such an individual to give me multiple litters of offspring consecutively for a short amount of time. When reality hits me that I’m limited to the human way of reproduction, my mood heavily plummets for hours or days or even weeks. At the longest, it lasted years.

This doesn’t even account for sexual attraction alone. Sometimes, I don’t even feel a partner is necessary, and I at times wish I could reproduce the same way bacteria do.

A lot of the details I wrote here are vastly different from one another. That’s why I have difficulties determining what type of alterhuman I am. I ruled out otherkin, because it felt like a wrong fit.

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