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Lonely Dwarf
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Hey, all,
I’m really new to the community (as in, this is my first time joining and posting in a group like this). I want to share how I’m feeling and see what your thoughts are.
So I’m in my 30s but as far back as I can remember, I’ve felt different. Even as a really small girl, I remember sitting at the top of the stairs when I was supposed to be in bed, listening to my parents doing normal couple stuff downstairs and crying. In hindsight, I think it was that even at that young age, I longed to feel connected to people but I almost never have. When I got into my late teens and early twenties and came to terms with my lesbianism, I thought that was the answer to why I felt so cut off and isolated from everyone else but at the years have passed, I’ve started to really wonder if there’s something more. I also thought it was my introversion or anxiety that made me feel emotionally trapped or on edge with family, most friends and even girlfriends. Why did I never feel comfortable? Why did I always feel like bolting from close human relationships? I went so far ar as to looking up personality and attachment disorders because I was so convinced that something was wrong with me, though none of them rang true.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Now, I know this will probably sound laughably cliched considering how many Tolkein references you guys probably get but something started to click for me two years ago when my ex bought me an XBox and Dragon Age: Inquisition for Christmas. I was clamoring for the game because of its humor and LGBT relationships. When I played, though, things changed. My immediate instinct was to create a female dwarf character because I related to her- I’m notably short, stocky, freckled, unnecessarily fond of large beer-drinking vessels, really, really into knowing about every kind of stone to the point that I worked for a jeweler, delighted by traditional two-handed weapons, the whole bit. I already knew that I wanted to romance Sera, a lesbian elf character because of her penchant for pranks, her wicked sense of humor and, well, smut. But guys, I feel like my real-life relationship and I were never the same after that. As my character got more and more joined at the hip with her elf girlfriend, the more I felt a longing that I’ve never experienced before. I felt this confidence with a dwarven identity that I rarely felt as a person. I found an inexplicable attraction to the elves in the game, not just as animated eye candy but as beings that just seemed right somehow. It felt familiar to watch an elf bend down to kiss me but not just from the game, so much that I’ve cried about not having it in the real world yet feeling like I did at some point. I felt lost and found all at the same time. And the more I felt like those details resonated and spoke to something previously lost in me, the more I felt starved in an (admittedly unfulfilling and unhealthy) human relationship. It started to make sense why no relationship feels right for me. I have a friend who makes leather armor and when I strap mine on with my kilt and my drinking horn at my hip, I feel better and more “right” as a dwarf than I ever have as a person. What’s more, looking at images of pretty elf or dwarf women awakens an interest in me that human women almost never do.</p>
I broke up with said toxic girlfriend a month ago today and I’m much happier. Since I don’t have anyone to answer to, I’ve been making it a point to really get to know myself, something that I never did in 20 years as a serial dater who tried to fill a void with relationships. I’ve realized that this includes exploring if these strange, new but incredibly compelling feelings. I really think things go far deeper than mere affection for some media characters.One snag I’ve run into, though, is that dwarves seem to be a really unusual identity. In fact, I have yet to find such a group. I feel a really deep affection for elves, so much so that I ache for their companionship, for them to exist in my world like I feel thay they did once, and I’d be happy to engage with them. I worry, though, that I’ll just end up feeling like an “other,” like I do so often with people, or worse, they’ll think I’m trolling for a date or something.
I guess what I’m wondering is, did you guys feel the way that I do? If so, do any of you identify as kin that is hard to come by? If so, how do you handle it? Do you think I’d be welcome by Elfkin if I can’t find any fellow Dwarfkin or am I just destined to be a lonely dwarf?
Good morning GG, elf here. I think I should drink my coffee and eat breakfast before I reply, or nothing I say will make sense, but once I do that I’ll come back to this. 🙂
OK, a little more fed and caffeinated now. I’m on my phone, so not able to pull quotes from your post as easily for better readability, but I’ll do my best.
Quote: “I’m really new to the community” (snip)
<span style=”line-height: 1.8;”>Welcome. I want to say that you’re not the first dwarf I’ve ever heard of, but it’s not a super common kintype either. To raise your chances of meeting a dwarf, your best bet is probably going to be checking in as many different social spaces as possible, and I’d especially recommend resources that are a little bit older as some long time community members may be able to put you in touch with somebody. There is a Yahoo Groups email list called Elven-Realities where you can definitely chat with elves, but it’s really open to everyone, and many members there have been around forever and might be able to help. If you’re interested in that, I can find a link and ping the list owner and make sure he doesn’t miss your request to join. </span>
Quote: “Even as a really small girl, I remember sitting at the top of the stairs when I was supposed to be in bed” (snip)
At the risk of sounding like I’m diminishing your experience, I honestly think that this is a quite normal childhood memory. I remember sneaking out of bed as well, or trying to get forbidden late night snacks from the kitchen with my siblings while our parents entertained guests. I don’t see this as indicative of much besides being a little kid, but I think I do understand where you’re coming from in terms of feeling isolated, wanting meaningful connections with others, etc. From the way I read your post, it sounds like this has pretty much been a lifelong thing that you’ve had to deal with, and not necessarily the clear result of a trauma that you can remember or anything like that. But I don’t want to speculate too much because I’m not qualified to play armchair psychologist and try to guess at what the true situation may be. On some level, I think a lot of people feel emotions like this – not everyone, but we all have our “stuff” – i.e., psychic baggage, that comes from different onion layers of things like adverse experiences and sometimes even genetic memory (the traumas, beliefs, patterns and phobias that some say we can potentially inherit <span style=”line-height: 1.8;”>from our parents and their parents.) </span>
So I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I think it’s important to know that even though all of these feelings can seem really intimidating, it’s okay to experience that because it doesn’t make you “bad” or less worthy. I’m not here to tell you that that on its own definitely makes you a dwarf or not, but you can totally be an onion dwarf, you know?
To me it sounds like, you kinda experienced this really sensitive emotional awakening not just as a dwarf but completely throughout yourself in a general life sense. It may have started with a video game, but it’s bigger than that for you. I personally think that when you begin to have that kind of inner revolution where it’s like these floodgates are opening, the best thing is to be open to the experience because your mind and heart are speaking to you in a whole new way. And it’s super vital to become more in tune with your higher or deeper self, whether that manifests as an elf or a dwarf or a human.
Quote: “I feel a deep affection for elves” (snip)
Yes, I can relate to this very much. 🙂 In general, most elf circles are fairly laid back and welcoming, so I would hope that you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable hanging out with us. We certainly have no objections!
Hello there, Liryen,
Thanks for replying to me. I didn’t think I would get anything less than positive feedback; the otherkin community has a reputation for being supportive. Nevertheless, I was nervous about spilling my guts and not being understood, especially considering how late I am to the party, so it was a relief to get a nice message back from you. In response to sneaking out of bed at night when I was little: My mom has had an in-home daycare business for over 30 years so I have way, waaaaay more experience with little kids and their antics than I probably ever wanted, considering how I have no biological clock to speak of. It wasn’t really my sneaking out of bed that struck me as, well, “off”; if my mother had a nickel for every time a daycare kid snuck off their mat during naptime, she could buy herself a new mattress. 😛 What set me apart, I think, was why I snuck out of bed. I sat on the top of the stairs because I wanted to hear my parents interacting downstairs, like bonding in their downtime watching TV together. I recall feeling really isolated and sad because of it, to the point of crying to myself, longing for the kind of connection that they have but ultimately not feeling like I could find or maintain such a connection with another human being. Those are heavy thoughts when you’re about 4 or 5 years old, and that feeling of being an “other” has never left. Does that make sense? I hope that helps to clarify.
Oh hi again. 🙂
Yeah, that definitely helps to clarify, for sure. I’m sorry that you experienced something so difficult and lonely at such an early age.
I can sort of relate in a way, actually. When I was growing up, I struggled with shyness because my upbringing was a little unusual – not saying that you were also shy or that was the problem for you, just that it was a thing for me. I feel like I’m becoming more confident with time. Also like you, I yearn for connection with elves, very much. Maybe it sounds a little cheesy, but one of my big dreams is to someday meet my soulmate and have a life together with them. Not sure yet on whether we will have little elf babies. I think about it every now and then, but it’s unlikely for some different reasons. Maybe in some other life. 😉
Sorry, but one question I forgot in my last reply. If you don’t mind me asking, what were your parents like, just out of curiosity? I apologize in advance if that sounds like a loaded question; I’m honestly just curious to get to know you.
Hello again. 🙂
Man, I feel like you’re in my own head! While I’m not shy, I have also spent a good deal of my adult life chasing the dream of a soulmate but never catching it. When I was a teenager, I never felt right pursuing boys (and was only compelled by social pressure rather than any desire) and when I ironed out who I am sexuality-wise in my late teens and early twenties, I thought I’d find it much easier to feel that magical connection with a woman. That happened once to some extent with my first gf but she was an exchange student and had to go back to her home country after a couple months together. We still somehow made it work for two years after but she was adamant about us staying closeted and eventually, I couldn’t handle that plus the distance anymore. I still miss how I felt with her but I’ve accepted that the circumstances put that relationship on borrowed time. Still, I can’t help but wonder if there was something special about her beyond her being the first woman I ever loved. I felt a sense of inner contentment and belonging with her that has eluded me with most people I’ve ever met or even dated, no matter how good they are, how long I’ve known them or how genuinely they care about me. I feel alienated from the human race in general and can’t remember when I haven’t but the prospect of finding a sense of belonging here makes me really happy.
As for parents, mine are, all in all, good ones. They’ve been happily married for a really long time and things were never dysfunctional growing up. The only major bump was when I came out. They weren’t initially supportive but they’ve grown a lot since then. Now they’re totally LGBT-friendly. So how about you? I’d like to know more about you, too.
Well, I guess if I had to pick one word that could describe both of my parents, it’d be “eccentric”. They were both military brats, and that’s kind of where their similarities end. I was an accident who happened on an overseas vacation to Paris and the UK. At that time, my dad was an engineer and my mom had a corporate position with Frito-Lay Snacks, although she quit after I was born. I was raised mostly by my mother because dad traveled so much for his work that he wasn’t home more than a few weekends a month, on average. Mom was very kind, a little bit of a hippie, and artistic. She homeschooled me, gardened, baked from scratch, dabbled in homeopathy and herbalism, sewed some of my clothes, made handmade Christmas ornaments, stenciled, and that kind of thing. My dad could be a little gruffer, sometimes temperamental. He’s an old-,skool type who likes his Breitbart and his Fox News, but we manage to have a pretty placid sort of relationship these days with a minimum of hurt feelings. I was very sheltered growing up and I think a lot of my shyness came from that. I was the weird homeschooled kid who was essentially being raised by a single mom, and also helping to care for my siblings, in a well-off <span style=”line-height: 1.8;”>area where the kids wore designer outfits and rode ponies and had Daniel Radcliffe at their theme party and stuff like that. Lol.</span>
<span style=”line-height: 1.8;”> My parent’s marriage was always a little strained, and they eventually got divorced when I was 19, after it came out that my dad had a thing for seeing as many pretty ladies as possible, and my mom had a big midlife crisis and walked out the door to try to get together with her plastic surgeon. So…yeah. I love them a great deal, it’s just always a colorful time. 🙂 To be honest with you, after that whole experience I was never quite sure if I wanted to get married or not, but now I think I still do. Or at least to have a secure, marriage-like partnership. </span>
I’m LGBT as well. Spent a long time identifying as bisexual, then felt more lesbian for a time, currently re-evaluating. I think I may be bi after all. /Sigh/ Dad isn’t really in the know, mom kinda looks the other way.
I haven’t had many romantic relationships. Dated a guy in Scotland for a while when I was 17, then had a super short term thing with a dude who was a complete creep at age 20. After that I was a unicorn for a bit, which was better.
So, that’s me. 🙂
Also, I’m sorry about your first girlfriend. I don’t quite know what to say, but she sounds like she was an exceptional person.
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